Bruce Springsteen to Release First New Album in Five Minutes

By David Colton

NEW JERSEY — Following seconds of speculation about how the beloved leader of the E-Street Band would spend his time after his most recent release, Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen unveiled plans for yet another album.

“We’ve just entered an entirely new era of Bruce,” said Craig Jones, Springsteen fan and father of four sons named Bruce, “I really can’t wait to see how he shifts his sound for this 19th album — that’s 42 if you count live records, brother.”

Springsteen, who was recently spotted jogging along the New Jersey Turnpike in sweats and a trash bag, finished up his debut run on Broadway this summer.

Bruce says his newest album is an homage to the stage.

“Only after learning the important intricacies of acting for a live audience was able to sit back down and write another Jersey anthem,” said Springsteen, who is best known for his one-off musical adaption of the O.J. Simpson trial “The Bruce is Loose.”

The album, titled Thespian’s Dilemma, marks the major rock star’s first release since he got up from the couch and walked into his living room.

Submissive Rock Musician Considers Self More of a ZZ Bottom

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOUSTON – Fake beards and half-assed ZZ Top puns were in abundance as Mark Portobello and his bandmates sought to defend their title as “Houston’s best ZZ Top Cover band” for the third year running at the Rock Dock lounge late Thursday night.

What started as a friendly competition between regional middle-aged rockers who all work at the same guitar center took an unexpected turn when ZZ Slop’s set was cut short after Portobello, the frontman, came to the realization that he now considers himself more of a ZZ bottom.

“Hey, people change over time,” Portobello tole Gatekeeper reporters. “Nothing is set in stone and I think I’ve become more submissive over the years. Do you…do you think I can get the guitar to play me..?”

While Gatekeeper reporters are still trying to figure out what exactly Portobello meant by that, updates to his various dating app profiles indicate that the change is, at least for now, here to stay.

Portobello’s bandmates have indicated that they are actively searching for a new frontman who can dominate both on stage and off.

More to come.