By David Colton
RALPH’S MORGUE — Capitalizing on speculation that the death was caused by a weird snack gone wrong, mortician Rheuben Zynx revealed Monday morning that little Konner Wells had attempted the fabled food challenge “in his own tummy.”
Some locals say there’s more to the story.
“Yeah, that kid had it coming,” said Myke Tumor, local merchant, “who the hell spells ‘Connor’ a “k” and an “e?”
According to the official autopsy, Konner saw a video on something called YouTube in which another child filed a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke with a bunch of mint-flavored Mentos, sat back and watched them explode.
Although it’s unclear why Konner wanted to attempt this highly risky stunt without telling anyone or eating any food, one thing is clear:
That shit worked.
Konner was rocketed nearly 250 feet into the air, where he remained for six seconds at the top of a cartoonishly large Diet Coke spout before fluttering safely to the ground.
He was dead, though, and it was because of the Coke and Mentos. The toxic cocktail tore through his body like a fire hose tasked with filling a water balloon. It was gross.
“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Rheuben, who started as an art major, “at least, not since the ‘Human Water Bottle Flip.’”