Oh Shit: Good Charlotte Just Tweeted Proof That Good Friday Was Named After Them

By David Colton

WALDORF, MD — We all knew this day was coming.

Good Charlotte has finally come out and said what people have been saying for years. After years of vicious denial by the Christian Church, which is already amid scandals aplenty, it appears no choice remains but to publicly acknowledge the truth.

“Now that Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul have thrust the church into the spotlight and exposed them, I can tell the world is ready for a new breed of religion,” said Purman Stove, Good Charlotte fan and unpublished author of several teen romance novels.

The pop punk band was initially popular in the early 2000s, which is said to be when the idea of a national holiday to celebrate Good Charlotte originally began circulating.

Even though this is arguably the most well-known public rumor to circulate in the last two decades, the band did us all the favor of tweeting proof to go along with the stunning revelation.

The band will put out 3 18-song albums this weekend, one for every day Benji overslept and missed rehearsal.

 Of course, on the third day, he makes it to rehearsal on time and the boys are ready for another gig.

Ha! Other Goofball in Prayer Circle Also Not Praying

By David Colton

ST. JUDAS METHODIST CHURCH — Despite specific instructions from Reverend Dipple to keep those peepers squeezed shut during our time alone with the lord, local rascal Tommy Potts sneaked a glance across the prayer group Wednesday afternoon.

What he saw changed his perception of church forever.

Tommy’s mom always told him to stay away from that Bobby Tuggins, but today she was focused on the lord.

“We had our eyes closed and Dipple was spewing about dang Corinthians for the third time this month,” said Tommy Potts, who rides without a helmet, “I just couldn’t help but take a peek!”

To his surprise, when he opened his eyes, he saw little Bobby Tuggins giving him the exact same look.

“Yeah, I had no idea I was gonna see Tommy Potts,” said Tuggins, who has received detention before, “I just heard Dipple fall back on Corinthians again and I had to open my eyes.”

It was confirmed in a post-sermon coffee hour conversation between the two boys’ mothers that both hooligans will be attending church camp this summer.

This puts them at odds when it comes time to graduate college, which they are both set to do this month.

“I hope Tuggins knows that I don’t play around when it comes to this,” said Tommy Potts, pulling out and actually lighting a candy cigarette, “I’m the king of comedy, baby.”

Bobby Tuggins seems to think otherwise.

“Is that what he said? Oh, it is on. This bastard has taken the part of shepherd in the Christmas pageant one year too many. I hope he’s ready to get shat on by the angel Tuggins.”