Jesus Christ: Finn Wolfhard Strangled Three Cats to Death

By David Colton

WEST HOLLYWOOD — Just weeks before the season 3 premiere of the hit Netflix show Stranger Things, disaster struck the Hawkins AV club.

Officers were doing a routine feline inspection on the mansion of Finn Wolfhard, who plays Mike in the breakout Netflix show Stranger Things, when things took a dark turn.

“He had a really nice house, but he lived alone, which was immediately weird — he’s 15,” said Fran Carpenter, Deputy Police Chief.

“The place was really well furnished except for this one door that had about 80 locks on it, it was real medieval looking.”

Behind this 85-pound steel door, of course, was Finn’s deepest, darkest secret.

A fully furnished New York-style studio apartment with scratching post-skyscrapers and enough yarn to last a cat for life. Apparently, that’s exactly what the yarn was for.

Officers uncovered the bodies of three elderly cats who appeared to have been trapped in this small, stinky room.

“We all knew Finn had a dark side, but this is just unprecedented.”

Wolfhard’s attempts to defend himself fell on mostly deaf ears. Most likely because he was shrieking his defense while being carried out by two large men.

“I swear, I love kitties!” said the young star, cackling maniacally, “They wanted a home and I gave them that! They shouldn’t have tried to escape!”

It is unclear whether this will affect the scheduled July 4 release date for Stranger Things season 3.

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