Social – Page 2 – The Gatekeeper

Intern Refuses To Stop Wearing Company Lanyard

March 18, 2019March 19, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged Bro, bud light, business, finance, intern, lit, New York TImes, Patagonia, sickLeave a comment

By David Colton

NEW YORK — A group of wealthy white finance associates were treated to an incredible networking opportunity during Monday happy hour at DELV3, a rooftop club/ Michelin-rated restaurant.

“Everyone was chilling, you know, normal stuff, just taking pictures of ourselves and the food and drinks,” said Kev Dowler, up-and-coming entrepreneur and part-time Joseph A. Bank employee.

“Then we saw that kid Roland show up with his lanyard still around his neck, and we knew he had the potential to be one of us.”

Kev and the Patagonia boys — or as they refer to themselves, the ‘gonia boys — decided to induct Roland into their ranks Monday night.

They held a brief-yet-brutal hazing ceremony in which Roland was forced to carry on a conversation for ten minutes without mentioning his internship.

“It’s an extensive process, that’s for sure,” Kev said as he blew fat clouds, “always separates the men from the boys. Luckily, he’ll never have to do that again.”

22-year-old Roland Wilkesbury is a nice boy from the Midwest. He likes road trips and dairy.

Roland, who just finished his big first day at Lehman Brothers, couldn’t have been happier to find people who share his interests.

“So, this is the place to be, huh?” said Roland, who by the end of the evening remained the only person to dance to the sound of very loud dance music, “Look! Someone else is wearing a light blue button-down and jeans. Now’s my chance.”

Roland, who was never able to work his way up to the bar for a drink, said he was glad to see so many different types of cologne applied excessively in one place.

“I almost feel for the pathetic piece of human trash,” Dowler said, stopping intermittently to sip his $26 Dark & Stormy, “It’s clear to me he doesn’t know the common etiquette.”

Dowler revealed to the Gatekeeper team that a citywide ordinance, put into effect at some point around 2014, requires all white men between the ages of 21 and 24 to wear khakis and a ‘gonia at every bar, with the lanyard draped out of the khaki pocket — company logo visible.

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

March 13, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged capris, fashion, funny, high fashion, keens, milk, Portland, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

Man wearing beanie indoors claims he’s never smoked a cigarette

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016Posted in Local, SocialTagged beard, cigarette, funny, hipster, indoors, mizzouLeave a comment

By David Colton

COFFEEZONE—After ordering an “extra black” coffee and adjusting his scarf, local jean-ripper and people-judger Breton Polish declared that he has never smoked a cigarette.

“Listen, I care about my health,” said Polish, who was drinking a Guinness at 10 a.m. on Tuesday, “I wouldn’t poison this temple with cigarettes.”

Despite his declaration, other CoffeeZone patrons say he took a cigarette break “literally one minute ago.”

“If you’re talking cigarettes, no, I’ve never had one,” said Polish, “but I must say, tobacco rolls are my new favorite treat.”

After several failed attempts to explain that American Spirits still count as cigarettes, Polish finally went outside for a cigarette break.

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

October 19, 2016Posted in Local, National, SocialTagged china, felt, funny, political, satire, stances, trumpLeave a comment

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

October 16, 2016October 16, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, SocialTagged autumn, douche, sick, vest, vineyard vines, weatherLeave a comment

By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Federal Preserves Torn Between Strawberry, Peach For Next Fiscal Year

October 10, 2016April 5, 2019Posted in National, SocialTagged federal, federal reserve, fruit, jam, money, politics, washingtonLeave a comment

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

October 4, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, SocialTagged funny, guitar, mizzou, music, playing, satire, sickLeave a comment

1334x888.jpeg.46edbf62ae58485fb82e43cfdc607205.jpg — Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

Athletic Shorts Not Doing 14-Year-Old Boy Any Favors

October 3, 2016April 3, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged boner, boy, erect sadness, middle school, oh well, teen, teenagerLeave a comment

By David Colton

MIDDLE SCHOOL – After several reports of prepubescent musings, sources confirmed Monday that Bobby Wallace, local teen, was seen walking in between classes with what witnesses described as a “legitimately disgusting” and “almost impressive” bulge.

“I was just going to math, and I turned the corner and bam! There it was, looking me square in the face,” explains other middle schooler Timmy Pants.

Wallace was said to be wearing athletic shorts that were clearly bought at Target, as the champion logo on the bottom of the shorts sat a bit farther than normal from his thigh.

“I don’t know what everyone keeps looking at,” explains Wallace, who might not even be wearing any underwear, “I know they’re cool shorts but they aren’t that cool!”

After 7^th period, principal Jeffery Groin pulled Bobby into his office. The following interview material is a Gatekeeper exclusive:

PRINCIPAL GROIN: Bobby, do you know why you’re here?

BOBBY: Because I turned the water fountain around and made Lucy Thomas’ shirt see through?

PG: Actually no, but nice one. You’re here because you need to change your pants.

BOBBY: I haven’t done that since 2008, why should I do it now?

PG: Because you have a raging boner, son.

UPDATE: The problem has been mysteriously solved after the swim unit began Wednesday in gym class.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

September 23, 2016Posted in Campus, SocialTagged college, fun, mizzou, parents, thingsLeave a comment

Play Checkers

King me, mom and dad!

Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

Order Pizza

Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

Lie about how your classes are going

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.

EDM enthusiast misinterprets enrollment drop

September 20, 2016September 20, 2016Posted in Campus, SocialTagged drop, edm, enrollment, mizzou, sickLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.

“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”

Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.

“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.

Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.

“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”

The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”