Guy Who Calls Other Guys ‘Guy’ Not Good Guy

By David Colton

TENANTS OF THE TREES — Knocking back the second of two White Claws once stacked in his left hand, local associate analyst Mikey “Coors Heavy” Furlough took a step back and let the sounds of the cacophonous bar surrounding him take over.

By his side were the boys, each sporting their signature “going out” vest. But then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something.

He saw a young man wearing a light blue button-down and khakis. For Mikey, that only meant one thing — it was either Matt, Jack, Nick, Matt or Trevor.

“What’s up, guy?” shouted Mikey, desperately aching to assert himself over someone in any and every setting because his father will never love him.

Per usual, every straight man in the room’s head eagerly turned for the familiar call, but Coors Heavy was already locked in a warm embrace with Corey. Or was it Tristan? Maybe Jason?

“Oh, when Heavy said what’s good to that youth I knew he had finally found his apprentice,” said Chris Orwell, who also peaked in high school.

As soon as the duo broke their tender embrace, it became clear that Orwell was right, as the poor boy now had a massive, visibly heavy gold chain adorning his neck embossed with blue mountains.

Then, the ceremonial proceedings began.

Mikey pushed and shoved his way to the bar, hurling insults at every inferior man and encouraging his new pupil to do the same. When he finally got to the bar, Coors Heavy and the kid had left a wake of spilled long island iced teas and vodka cranberries.

The sweet, horrible smell hung in the air and just for a moment the room seemed to fall completely silent. The world vanished around the guy and his apprentice at the bar, a moment of pure and serene intimacy between two toxic straight man.  

Then, the bartender shattered that silence, and a new era was begun.

“Okay, I’ve got a Coors and a Coors Light”

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