By Mo Macsai-Goren

YOUR PHONE – Sparking joy in what would otherwise be yet another inevitable loss to the slow, unstoppable march of time, Area man Gregory Lippes successfully made it onto his acquaintance Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list on Instagram. Kevin, a longtime coworker and assumed friend of Lippes’, had only just updated the list to include a whole slew of new friends the hour before in a decision that would, unbeknownst to Kevin, make Gregory’s entire year. After three months of unemployment spent sitting quietly in the dark, Lippes went on record to say that making it onto Kevin’s list is kind of the only thing he has going for himself right now. In an interview conducted at 3PM at the Long John Silver’s where Lippes is unfortunately a regular, he said that he felt what could only be described as genuine human emotion for the first time in weeks after the initial thrill of finding out he was added to Kevin’s ‘Close Friends’ list. Although Lippes expressed that his case might have been an isolated anomaly, Gatekeeper reader polls suggest that every single Instagram user is only capable of experiencing excitement and joy if stimulated by likes or upon finding out they were added to a ‘Close Friends’ list of someone they sort of kind of know.