By David Colton

WEALTHY SUBURBS — As Fat Tuesday comes to a close and the city of New Orleans tries to give up the two lives lost at this weekend’s Mardi Gras festivities for lent, it’s time for everybody’s favorite religious group to remind you they exist.

That’s right, it’s Ash Wednesday! The one day of the year when people go to church on Wednesday and still make you feel bad for not going. 

Keep your eyes peeled for a massive, slow-walking group of sad-looking whites, potentially chanting as they advance toward city hall.

“I like putting the ash on my head because it reminds everyone of the persecution of our people,” said Timmy O’Boyle, whose parents spend more money on Notre Dame football tickets than their kids’ education.

Little Timmy isn’t alone either. Millions of Catholics across the country will today receive the sacred smudge from a priest that has been transferred to their church.

“The purpose of the cross smudge is, above all else, to indicate that you are different,” said Christopher Reilly, a single 34-year-old who teaches judgment and privilege to a roomful of children every week.

It’s easy to get swept into the joyous festivities, but make sure to take caution when approaching  a group of 25+.