Goldfish Mourns Passing of 3,855, 475th Mascot

By David Colton

NORWALK, CT — It looks like the snack has finally stopped smiling back.

A gloomy, overcast day set the tone at Pepperidge Farm HQ Wednesday as pallbearers made the long walk from the mansion grounds to the Water Closet Mausoleum for the 23rd time this year.

The deceased was none other than Walter, the company’s beloved mascot and President of Goldfish Operations at Pepperidge Farm. Hearts were heavy as the services progressed. The ceremony featured several guest speakers, including multiple fish advocates and Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky.

“There’s truly no way to define the imprint Walter left on this company,” said Melton Pervis, security guard who gets to watch the video cameras, “He really turned us around after that whole mascot murder scandal in April.”

Pervis is, of course, referring to the scandal that rocked Pepperidge farm earlier this year when Walter’s predecessor, Kevin, was found dead of thirst on the floor of the office kitchen. After an autopsy, the coroner confirmed the cause of death to be murder by manual strangulation.

It is unclear whether Walter passed from natural causes, but the subject matter is so sensitive among everyone who was close to him that nobody seems to want to discuss it.

Early rumors circulated that he was underfed, but there was little evidence to back this claim.

Walter Bernard Casper

(C. April 2019 – August 7, 2019)

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