By Davylon Clortis

Here I was, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, boom! I got hit with about .8 pounds of searing hot meat!

You heard me right. She poured wet, hot meat from Tommy’s Burger and Meat Joint on my eyeballs and I couldn’t see a thing! Next thing I know, I’m in the street stumbling through traffic with meat in my eyes and that old lady is two blocks away!

I’m pretty sure that’s the old lady I saw at the corner store earlier today when I was buyin’ my buffalo potato skins. She was lookin’ at me funny then too, she gave me a hard squint and wouldn’t stop staring at my purse.

Come to think of it, that old lady definitely wanted that purse! The way she was holding it, flashing it around when she first walked into that corner store. I was honestly surprised when she just set it down on the shelf like that!

I mean, that thing was nice! Clearly she didn’t know how to treat it. I could tell when I felt it in my arms that the purse was glad to be in the right hands. It was warm, and it had a bunch of gum in there.

You have to help me track down this devil woman before I lose it. And I mean lose it.

I’m missing my son’s graduation to fight for this purse, and I’m not going to let you stand in my way.

I had my phone in the purse, can I use find my iPhone on yours so I can finish this once and for all?