By David Colton
GRANT PARK — Well, it’s that time of year again.
The days are unbearably hot, the trains are full of plastered 16-year-olds and all of the artists you paid $400 to see are playing at the same time.
But, for once, Lollapalooza has set into motion a move that reflects a full and complete understanding of the festival attendees.
Organizers have now implemented another round of Camelbak refill stations — but these are different.
Explicitly designed to ruin the thin rubber backpack and an enjoyable afternoon, the festival decided Saturday to implement taps full of warm vodka.
“Look, we know what the kids want,” said Barton Carpette, who volunteered to be interviewed but has nothing to do with Lollapalooza, “Whose Saturday afternoon couldn’t be made a bit better with a little sun-warmed Svedka?”
Festival attendees will have the chance to answer this question for themselves this afternoon when the taps make their debut at Lollapalooza alongside unboxed bags of wine, which have also been left in the sun.
In an effort to make up the costs of the new, high-tech vodka dispensing system, the fest has also made the crucial decision to eliminate medical tents.
“If people are getting sick at a music festival, they shouldn’t be here in the first place,” said Marvin Bird, 17-year-old entrepreneur and kid whose idea it was to remove the medical tents, “This is a place for people to have fun, first and foremost.”
It is unclear if Marvin Bird was allowed to attend the festival.