By Mo Macsai-Goren

Disappointment overcame Greg Holmes early Monday morning after the 19-year-old found out that the complimentary shots being given out by the Student Health Center did not come with a chaser. Holmes admitted he was perplexed as he walked back with Nancy, the lovely Nurse Practitioner to receive what he though would be a little midday pick-me-up. “She told me she was getting the alcohol Swab, which I’ve never tried, but it sounds tight,” he said as Nancy rolled up his sleeve for some reason. “Hopefully I get Fireball. It’s dope that our school does this for us.” Upon being swabbed and immediately impaled by some sort of long, pump-like device, Holmes began to doubt he was going to get fucked up at the health center at all. “I’m not sure about this,” he said. “They haven’t offered me a chaser or anything, either. Also, that shit hurt.” Holmes’ queries were squashed by the Minions-themed band-aid that he could not stop talking about for the rest of the day.