By Mo Macsai-Goren

The Lobby – Shoppers and Employees alike were shocked to find “Wet The Bed” by Usher being broadcast to the entire atrium of 2038 Randolph St. as early as 7:00 in the morning. Followed with “Slow Motion” and then “Climax,” management’s new playlist turned heads as people made their way into work. Logan Piedmont, the building manager who clearly got laid last night, was seen smugly nodding his head as he made him morning rounds.

“This playlist has changed everything,” Piedmont said to workers as he beamed with a soft smile not unlike the first sunshine after a lengthy winter. “I figured it was time to spice things up in the lobby. I feel alive for the first time in my entire life.”

Dewey Nasel, Piedmont’s longtime partner, was not quite as enthused by the sudden change in ambiance.

“I think he somehow got his playlists confused and is too proud to admit that he was wrong,” Nasel said. “Last night he played “Non-Intrusive Marimba Concerto #3″ in bed and claimed to love every second of it.”

And love it he did. In a private interview session scored by SZA, Piedmont went into graphic, medically inaccurate detail about what ambient lobby music does to his stinky little body.

Ultimately, Piedmont continued to smugly play sex playlist staples like Rihanna, The Weeknd, and Art Garfunkel’s solo work until the building emptied at the end of the workday.