Category: Local

By Mo Macsai-Goren

BOISE, ID – Ensuring that he would never see the washed out, triple-exposure pictures from his most recent road trip through Yellowstone, local river raft instructor Brett Cyders made sure to pick up a disposable camera or two before leaving town. Sources close to Cyders have expressed their disappointment with the 29-year-old full-time camp counselor, claiming that he has never once developed the film from the countless cameras he has picked up over the years.

Cancun. Ft. Lauderdale. Minneapolis. Lithuania. These are just a few of the places Cyders has immortalized on film and then immediately forgotten about because he refuses to get a digital camera.

Family weddings? Birthdays? When that guy at the resort puts a lizard on you and then asks for money for a picture of you with his lizard? All lifelong milestones that will disappear with Cyders. The only solution? Develop the rolls and rolls of film sitting hidden under the milk crate full of tapestries he keeps sitting shotgun in his RV.

“You just can’t beat the warmth and grain of film. It’s just not the same,” Cyders said. “I took Photo 1 like, eight years ago in college and it’s just stuck with me since. I can’t go back to digital. It’s an artistic nightmare.”

Cyders then added that he is on his fifth consecutive gap year but plans on taking Photo 2 as soon as he gets back to campus.

By Stacey Torkelson

Taking your relationship to the next level can be intimidating, but there’s no more intimate moment than when your man agrees to share his his exact geographic coordinates with you at all times. Just like moving in together or getting a dog, adjusting your boyfriend’s location settings to alert you whenever he leaves work can be a telltale step to a healthy, happy forever. With these five ideas in tow, you can creatively coax your partner towards “Share Indefinitely.”

Take Him to Bonnaroo.

You might have to sit through three Phish sets, but there’s no denying the logic in having his location shared with you for the duration of the trip as he will inevitably take too many shrooms and get lost. 

Learn Mandarin, change his language settings to Mandarin, and then offer to help fix it.

If Bonnaroo tickets are too expensive, there are thousands of online videos teaching basic Mandarin. With a few weeks of dedication and an Academy Award nominated performance offering help to solve an issue you’ve incited, you can have his coordinates in no time. 

Orchestrate and execute a TED Talk about other couples you’re friends with who share locations.

“Mckenzie has Aaron’s location so that she can surprise him with food and stuff at his place all the time. Also they’re like, really happy…”

Record and replicate his finger prints.

If you know where he keeps his toothbrush, you’re already halfway there. Order a children’s spy kit from Amazon or invest in a hot glue gun and you’ll be on your way to his latitudinal and longitudinal location at any hour of the day.

Say please.

Not for the faint of heart, this idea requires the most risk and effort. If all of the previous options fail, your last resort can be politely asking him to please share his location with you indefinitely. No, not for any reason :))

By David Colton

UNION SQUARE — Some charity work is just too good-natured to believe.

Among the hustle and bustle of Union Square Monday morning, a man leaned stoically against the wall outside of Duane Reade.

The flannel-clad man had a guitar slung around his shoulder and strummed it softly as he crooned a slightly incorrect rendition of “Closing Time.” But that was only half of his gesture.

In front of him lay an open guitar case littered with dollar bills — a gift with grassroots support. Presumably, the charitable act is like a quest of sorts, with the $12-18 as the crown prize.

“Dude, this guy sounds just like Dan Wilson,” said Daxon Bringham, a passerby who apparently knows all of the members of Semisonic by name.

It appears that the mysterious philanthropist is taking some sort of phone call — perhaps to discuss further charitable endeavors on the streets of New York.

It’s almost 5, which means this guitar case has probably been sitting here untouched basically all day, gathering dust.

I think I’d better take it off his hands so that he doesn’t go home feeling guilty at the end of the day that nobody accepted his charity.

Oh boy, maybe I’ll go to the movies!

What a kind man.

By Mo Macsai-Goren

By David Colton

THE STREET — This year’s block party was already off to a good start. Paul from down the street brought out the cider he’s been fermenting and the fire engine showed up an hour early.

The truck was only there for about three minutes before the fire hydrant was opened and the neighborhood children all gathered in the spray.

The first child in the mist was, of course, Markie Dawson, whose parents nobody else on the street has met. He made sure to get soaking wet before hopping right back on his scooter for an air dry.

“That Markie Dawson sure is rambunctious,” said Barb Hammond, who has already ruined her only son for everyone else via social media, “I don’t want my Jonathan hanging around with him.”

But for Markie, dashing through sprinklers and spraying unsuspecting dads with water guns was only the beginning. Dawson developed a round-robin style bracket in which he will race on foot against every adult at this block party until either he loses or someone else wins.

Markie, who allegedly got kicked out of Ms. Wahle’s second grade class, was last seen preliminarily demolishing the entire block party supply of s’mores marshmallows.