Emotionally Stunted Teen Has Coolest Parents

By Ben Gaspin

GREENWICH –  Sixteen-year-old Jackson Smalls has the life most teens dream of. He has a girlfriend, a car, and access to his father’s medical marijuana card. That’s right: Jackson Smalls has the coolest parents ever.

Smalls didn’t always know his parents were cool. In fact, he thought he was the cool one. To him, they were just Mom, who taught his friend Shiera how to kiss a boy because her mom is too conservative, and Dad, who coached Jackson’s basketball team and gave the other boys pointers to improve their game, while he just told Jackson how proud of him he was.

It wasn’t until Jackson threw a party while his parents were skydiving in Malta that he realized he might not be the stud he once believed. He made the mistake of telling friends that his parents were out of town, not realizing that the main reason they loved his house was because his dad is hella funny and his mom once told the principal that she could go fuck herself. 

Jackson’s girlfriend, Amanda Greene, comforts him when she can. “I’m kinda like his therapist, you know. He can never really find the words for how he’s feeling, or if he’s got any prospects in life. I want to tell him to talk to his parents because they’ll make him feel better by saying he can be president if he wants to, but also I feel like that’s a burden on Becky–oh, sorry, that’s his mom–you know?”

It is a burden for Becky, which is why Mr. and Mrs. Smalls tell their son weekly that it’s perfectly okay to talk to a therapist, even if nothing’s wrong yet, and you know what? Why don’t they just go ahead and set up an appointment for next week; he can go if he wants to or just cancel it.

Jackson has yet to see a therapist. When asked for comment, his only response was “Why would I talk about my feelings when Mortal Kombat can bury them deep inside me?”

Man Leaves Debit Card at Bar for Narrative Reasons

By David Colton

HELL’S KITCHEN — Kyle Costello wanted to make sure that his coworkers knew that he had a crazy weekend.

According to his recounting of the weekend, which apparently began at 6:30 p.m. on Friday and continued nonstop until he ‘passed out’ Sunday, Kyle was interested in drinking alcoholic beverages as a means of unwinding after a stressful week.

Although a common feat among working humans, post-work drinking can sometimes bring out the worst in people — especially people named Kyle.

“I think it was the second shot that did it,” said Kyle, who has not explained why he hasn’t returned to retrieve his card from Rico’s Basement, “Bro, I was so gone — dude, I fucking snapped Kelsey. Kelsey. Can you believe that?!”

It remains unclear who accompanied Kyle on this strange excursion to the worst bar on the face of the earth.

However, The Gatekeeper was able to get in contact with Kelsey, who confirmed that she received Snapchats from Kyle Friday night.

“So yeah, Kyle sent me some shirtless pictures that were obviously taken in a public bathroom,” said Kelsey, who made out with Kyle at a prom afterparty nine years ago, “I thought I recognized the tile from Rico’s Basement. He’s always like, one of four people at that bar.”

Kelsey was able to confirm that generally speaking, none of the patrons at Rico’s really talk to one another.

As of Monday morning, Kyle’s coworkers confirmed that he left the card at the bar in order to have a topic of conversation when he got into work.

“It’s always something with Kyle,” said Terrance Buns, accounting dept. “Last year he signed a ten-year lease on a studio apartment so he could ‘always have someplace to bone.’”

Dad Going Over Pothole Thinks That One Sounded Expensive

By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND – Dad’s mood shifted rapidly Wednesday night as sources inside his 1999 Toyota Sienna confirmed that he absolutely flew over that last pothole. Swearing through gritted teeth, Dad experienced a potpourri of emotions ranging from white-hot, blissful rage to rational economic concern as his minivan violently bottomed out in the middle of the street. Everyone inside the vehicle fell silent as Dad began to process his feelings with the help of his Joel Osteen audiobook.  

Dad loved that car. Although it wasn’t the sleekest or sportiest model out there, it got him to work, the kids to school, and that half empty bottle of water from 2009 to every stop in between. That Toyota Sienna was a part of the family and every time he careened into a pothole, it felt as though he was punching one of his own children square in the face. 

He would have to be more careful if he wanted to teach Tommy and Susana to drive in their childhood car. If the van needed repairs, he’d have to dip into the vacation fund and, while he was sorry to even think this, he would have to choose the repairs over a four day weekend in the Wisconsin Dells. 

The kids kept talking. Didn’t they know that the more distracted he was, the higher the chance of going over another pothole? He knew the last one sounded expensive but to hit two in a row? On the same trip to the restaurant that was and always has been walking distance from the house? Goodbye wave pool, hello Jiffy Lube. While he didn’t mind Jiffy Lube (decent coffee), he knew the kids would much rather be at the Kalahari tropical resort in the middle of rural Wisconsin. 

Dad’s Joel Osteen CD ended (disc 4 of 9) and as he momentarily shifted his glance to swap discs, the van hit a cavernous pit and shook violently. Dad knew it was the end. No more wave pool or eating chicken fingers with sopping wet, chlorinated hands. He would take the car in first thing tomorrow and restart the vacation fund as soon as possible. He fell silent as a single tear rolled down his cheek. 

He had been promising to take his kids to the Dells for a year now. Unfortunately it seemed like the lord had other plans. Dad increased the volume on the Osteen CD and relaxed a bit. There was nothing he could do. It was all over. 

7 Dreamcatchers We’ll Just Sell With The House

By David Colton

  1. The Dreamcatcher You Got As A Gift From That Weird Philosophy Professor
When he gave it to you, he said “It’s funny, you know. This dreamcatcher has already felt your energy. Your presence in dreams is a familiar feeling to this dreamcatcher.” He didn’t really ever wash his ponytail but he did know how to pick out a good dreamcatcher. We could probably get $15.

2. The Dreamcatcher We Found in Kristin Chenoweth’s Garbage

Kristin thought she could get away with throwing out this perfectly functional dreamcatcher. Not today, ma’am! All that’s left to do is decide whether or not to bill it as Kristin Chenoweth’s dreamcatcher when we give tours of the house.

3. ‘Dreamcatcher’ (2003) (Chinese Version)

Buckle up, folks. This dreamcatcher is a little bit different from the rest. Complete with a damaged DVD case and endless hours of title screen music, This dreamcatcher could end up selling for more than the house itself.

4. The-Dream Catcher

5. The Dreamcatcher That Caught My Most Intense Sex Dream Of All Time

He looks even more raw and vulnerable than I remember him. One can only imagine how much a lucky child would pay for this. Now we just need to find a kid who is looking to put down $300-400k on a house in a neighborhood with good schools!

6. “The Howl”

Some people might say that a dreamcatcher on a poster doesn’t count, but that’s just not true. I happily paid $85 for this poster and when we list it with the house, I’ll probably list it as an additional 3 or 4 grand. That is, once we move it to the bathroom and fake two pawprint signatures in the bottom right corner.

7. The Dreamcatcher That The Lady Said Will Make Dad Come Back

When the lady with the funny car came and asked where Dad is she gave us this. She said if my Dad comes home I should go down in the room with the wine in the basement and lock the door. I wonder if Dad will show up at the house when somebody else lives in it.

Bluetooth Speaker Not Waterproof, Very Angry Man Finds

By Mo Macsai-Goren

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – Local beach personality Brayden Thump was left stunned and enraged Wednesday morning after nonchalantly tossing his brand new Bluetooth speaker to its watery demise.

Thump, a longtime Vineyard vacationer, had just paired his phone to the JBL Flip 3 speaker that he bought yesterday. After attempting to inaugurate his dad’s new Yacht with Post Malone’s “Rockstar” to no avail, Thump tried to throw the speaker to Geoff Sarpe, 19, on a nearby Wave runner.

“It really looked like it would float,” a beet-red Thump told Gatekeeper reporters as his throw came up short and his speaker sank to the bottom of the ocean. “Should I dive after it?”

As Thump spoke, the speaker made a feeble buzzing sound and then completely disintegrated.

“I can’t believe this shit,” Thumper fumed. “What am I supposed to do? I can’t listen to Geoff talk about his banking internship anymore. Fuck.”

Although Thump initially threw the speaker, the blame was immediately shifted towards Sarpe.

“You’re gonna have to tell my dad,” Thump told Sarpe. “He’s gonna be pissed. You know how much he loves listening to Bonnie Rait on this Yacht.”

Although he doesn’t get to the vineyard until Thursday, experts are predicting that Thump’s father, Quentin, is going to “absolutely murder” Sarpe upon arrival.

More to come.

Fortune Cookie Weirdly Anti-Masturbation

By David Colton

DAN’S HOUSE OF NOODLES — It had already been a long day for Rachel Durkman.

Her phone didn’t charge last night; she got an emergency phone call on the quiet car of the train; she dropped her coffee in the street and destroyed her reusable mug — all before she even got to the office.

Now, six hours later, she’s finally getting a late lunch, and where else but Dan’s House of Noodles, a staple of the “foreign food” community among upper-middle-class white people.

“I was just sitting there finishing my Pad Thai with no soy sauce, and the waiter came and dropped off some fortune cookies,” said Rachel Durkman, who believes that eating the piece of paper will make it come true, “I was ready to be taken on a spiritual journey.”

Of course, what Rachel didn’t know is that the fortune cookie she received would actually force her to take action.

“It was immediately clear the fortune directly referenced self-gratification via hand,” said Randy Dangler, who was not even in the restaurant at the time Rachel opened the cookie. “I’ve seen it a thousand times.”

It appears Dangler was right after all. Gatekeeper reporters were able to obtain exclusive transcripts of the fortune cookie packagers discussing plans to eliminate masturbation.

EMPLOYEE #1: I wish we had more power over these fortunes, man.

EMPLOYEE #2: I know. I feel completely restrained and creatively unfulfilled here.

EMPLOYEE #1: Dude.

EMPLOYEE #2: Yeah?

EMPLOYEE #1: I just had a genius idea. What if… okay, hear me out. What if we tried to create a worldwide catastrophe. That way we could both get out of here without having to tell our parents we quit.

EMPLOYEE #2: Oh shit, you mean like the plague?

EMPLOYEE #1: Kind of. But probably one that less people will die from.

EMPLOYEE #2: What if we convinced people to stop jerking it so much? My bandwidth here gets so slow because of Terry and Susan.

EMPLOYEE #1: Yes! That’s perfect. We need to convince people that this is what’s going to happen. And what do people trust more than the media?

EMPLOYEE #2: Fortune cookies..? EMPLOYEE #1: Motherfuckin’ fortune cookies.

Dab Pen Entirely Recalibrates Trip to Grocery Store

By David Colton

TRADER JOE’S — Tony Whett had just run out of groceries. Normally, he would’ve just strolled down to the supermarket two blocks away and not thought anything of it.

But with Tony’s new, state-of-the-art dab pen, he can get ‘absolutely ripped’ in four seconds.

“I made sure to get a base with 15 heat settings, that way I can really control how many hits I take,” said Tony Whett, whose home is just a complete mess, “It doesn’t even matter though, because Trader Joe’s lets you rip clouds anywhere.”

Sources confirmed Saturday that when he arrived at the store, Tony refused to enter until the automatic sliding door stopped ‘moving too fast.’ He eventually made it inside, but not before convincing someone’s child that the door was being controlled by a dark warlock.

Tracy Pollack, GM of this Trader Joe’s, said she didn’t even think about getting rid of Tony.

“Yes, we were aware that Tony Whett was inconsolably high,” said Tracy, “We were also aware that he had the capacity to spend $300 on snacks alone. I wasn’t going to throw the kid out — he was scared of the granola.”

Eventually, Tony amassed a collection of one bag of all-natural gummy worms and one bag of pre-cooked popcorn before declaring his basket too heavy and making a beeline for the self-checkout.

When he realized there was no self-checkout at Trader Joe’s because they pride themselves on friendly customer service, Tony dropped his basket on the ground and walked out very, very slowly.

He is hosting a dinner party this evening.

Too Soon? Dad Already Set Up Four Plastic Chairs for the Fourth of July Parade

By David Colton

EVANSTON, IL — Breaking a years-long tradition and sipping coffee from a mug he walked two miles from home with, local father Tom Hertlemann was undeterred in preparing for this year’s Independence Day celebration.

According to sources close to the matter, Tom heard that the Fultons were going to make an attempt at setting out their chairs a couple of days early — the only problem is, the two family-friends aim for the same plot of streetside grass every year.

“I came out here bright and early just to make sure we get the best seats in the house, said Tom Hertlemann, who missed his son’s high school graduation to attend the NBA Finals. “I can’t wait to get out here, sit down and complain about every unfamiliar group I see in the parade.”

While it appeared that Tom was setting up chairs for his family, sources who know him better than anyone say those chairs were for anyone but his family.

“Oh yeah, I have no doubt in my mind that he set those chairs up in case any of the starting five of the 1996 Chicago Bulls ever respond to his weekly letters,” said Helen Hertlemann, Tom’s wife and the undisputed breadwinner of the family, “He’s been trying to get them to this parade for years.”

While it is unclear who will occupy these seats come Thursday, there are rumors floating around that Steve Kerr might actually show.

Ugly Man Fired

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

 Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.