Dab Pen Entirely Recalibrates Trip to Grocery Store

By David Colton

TRADER JOE’S — Tony Whett had just run out of groceries. Normally, he would’ve just strolled down to the supermarket two blocks away and not thought anything of it.

But with Tony’s new, state-of-the-art dab pen, he can get ‘absolutely ripped’ in four seconds.

“I made sure to get a base with 15 heat settings, that way I can really control how many hits I take,” said Tony Whett, whose home is just a complete mess, “It doesn’t even matter though, because Trader Joe’s lets you rip clouds anywhere.”

Sources confirmed Saturday that when he arrived at the store, Tony refused to enter until the automatic sliding door stopped ‘moving too fast.’ He eventually made it inside, but not before convincing someone’s child that the door was being controlled by a dark warlock.

Tracy Pollack, GM of this Trader Joe’s, said she didn’t even think about getting rid of Tony.

“Yes, we were aware that Tony Whett was inconsolably high,” said Tracy, “We were also aware that he had the capacity to spend $300 on snacks alone. I wasn’t going to throw the kid out — he was scared of the granola.”

Eventually, Tony amassed a collection of one bag of all-natural gummy worms and one bag of pre-cooked popcorn before declaring his basket too heavy and making a beeline for the self-checkout.

When he realized there was no self-checkout at Trader Joe’s because they pride themselves on friendly customer service, Tony dropped his basket on the ground and walked out very, very slowly.

He is hosting a dinner party this evening.

Too Soon? Dad Already Set Up Four Plastic Chairs for the Fourth of July Parade

By David Colton

EVANSTON, IL — Breaking a years-long tradition and sipping coffee from a mug he walked two miles from home with, local father Tom Hertlemann was undeterred in preparing for this year’s Independence Day celebration.

According to sources close to the matter, Tom heard that the Fultons were going to make an attempt at setting out their chairs a couple of days early — the only problem is, the two family-friends aim for the same plot of streetside grass every year.

“I came out here bright and early just to make sure we get the best seats in the house, said Tom Hertlemann, who missed his son’s high school graduation to attend the NBA Finals. “I can’t wait to get out here, sit down and complain about every unfamiliar group I see in the parade.”

While it appeared that Tom was setting up chairs for his family, sources who know him better than anyone say those chairs were for anyone but his family.

“Oh yeah, I have no doubt in my mind that he set those chairs up in case any of the starting five of the 1996 Chicago Bulls ever respond to his weekly letters,” said Helen Hertlemann, Tom’s wife and the undisputed breadwinner of the family, “He’s been trying to get them to this parade for years.”

While it is unclear who will occupy these seats come Thursday, there are rumors floating around that Steve Kerr might actually show.

Ugly Man Fired

By David Colton

OMAHA — Carl Delores Brown was more than happy to accept his first full-time job 15 years ago when he walked through the doors of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation.

He was coming off of an interesting period in grad school, full of experiential journeys and sexual exploration.

Of course, Carl was homeschooled through grad school and is still struggling to pay off a mountain of debt, largely from this graduate program.

When Carl began as a receptionist at Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig, he felt like the possibilities were endless.

“We fired Carl for a true myriad of reasons,” said Gregory Herman, founding member of Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation. “If I had to choose one thing though, it was his physical appearance that made me want to get rid of him.”

While it’s clear that Carl has no sense of style or genetics, he says it seems unfair to him that he should lose his 15-year tenure and all of his health benefits just because he ran out of tissues that one time.

The company released a written statement regarding Carl’s employment status:

Herman, Roberts, Finkelstein & Craig Corporation is in no way responsible or liable for the status of this man’s life. He made our days longer and worse, and he made all of us sad by attacking us with his sad stories of getting cheated on and divorced and losing custody of his children. If you see this man on the street, try your best not to verbally berate him— but if you do, we understand.

“I put in the work for 15 years, and this is how they repay me?” Carl said, unintentionally walking past a mirror where he was stopped in his tracks. “Actually, yeah, I get it.”

Friend With Anxiety Being Really Weird

By David Colton

ECHO PARK — Drew’s new friends Jeremy and Dan knew he was unique.

“I immediately knew that Drew had anxiety when he told us he had anxiety,” said Jeremy, who is set to inherit his dad’s freelance roofing fortune, “but he kept telling us about things that we did and do that make him anxious, which is just so weird.”

Drew says he told two of his new friends about his anxiety as an effort to decrease the stigma against talking about mental health, especially among men.

“Like, men aren’t supposed to talk about that stuff,” said Dan, a 37-year-old who will never find love, “Yeah, Drew has anxiety, but I feel like he’s just being all weird about it by bringing it up.”

Dan and Jeremy say that as Drew’s friends, it’s now their duty to help him out — even if he’s being weird as fuck right now.

“We took it upon ourselves to tell every single one of our mutual friends about Drew’s condition,” said Dan, who drinks pre-workout before action movies, “That way, he doesn’t have to be anxious or whatever about everyone finding out.”

“I just see Drew doing these breathing exercises and trying to relax himself,” said Jeremy, who dresses as Joe Namath every single Halloween, “If I were him, I’d be hyping myself up and talking to every person I can about how to help.”

 Jeremy and Dan, Drew’s new friends, say they have never suffered from mental health.

“Casual Stoner” Buys Blowtorch

By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IOWA ­– It happened on an average Friday afternoon.

Local part-time haberdasher and father of a 17-year-old dog Jonathan Trunks was just making his standard rounds at the half-sized Target where goes when he leaves his house/office the one time per week he has to buy groceries — when something peculiar caught his eye.

Jonathan has been a self-proclaimed casual marijuana user for almost ten years now.

“I smoke at night, and sometimes in the morning if I feel like it, but that’s pretty much only on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Sundays,” said Jonathan Trunks, who paid $45 to create a custom marijuana leaf Overwatch skin.

Jonathan said something awoke from deep inside of him at the half-sized target Friday when he wheeled his cart past the kerosene & gas aisle.

Target Associate Team Member Sue Whittle said she saw a spark in Jonathan’s eyes when he saw the blowtorch section — a spark that she knew would eventually grow into a fire hot enough to heat a nail on a dab rig.

“I’m probably only going to buy like, a small rig so that I can keep myself in check,” said Jonathan, whose parents do his laundry, “I hear reclaim dabs are insanely dope.”

Kid Brings Cleats to Pool Party

By David Colton

WINNETKA, IL — When Monica DeViscous received an invitation in the mail for her son Gio to be invited to his first birthday party, she knew he would have a hard time.

Gio is the new kid at Warren Elementary, and Timmy Squints is well-known as the coolest boy in the fifth grade.

Timmy is known in particular for his annual “Splash Party,” a birthday celebration for the most elite kids in the North Shore area.

Timmy said he knew he was taking a big risk by inviting the new kid in town, Gio.

“My mom made me invite that weird loser,” said Timmy, who will grow up to be just horrible, “He showed up to the first day of school with a ‘Lightning McQueen’ lunchbox, and every like, dude, everyone knows ‘Planes’ was the best part of that series.”

Apparently, Gio was aware of both the fact that Timmy didn’t want him there and that the historic event was a pool party.

It was his mother, Monica DeViscous, who pressured little Gio to bring his soccer spikes “just in case”

“It was weird, because he like showed up 45 minutes early but also didn’t have a swimsuit,” said Timmy Squints, party host and semi-professional air soft warrior. “It was like he was planning on gradually shifting the party into the wet grass.”

Gio was eventually the last kid at the party, and the only one who neglected to adhere to the Splash Bash’s strict water-gifts-only guidelines.

Involuntary Participation in 5K Given as Father’s Day Gift

By Mo Macsai-Goren

GLENVIEW, ILLINOIS – Redeeming himself from last year’s hot sauce subscription box debacle, local teen Jacob Taylor surprised his father, Glenn, Saturday morning by letting him know that he signed the whole family up for a 5K fun run for charity that starts at 6 in the morning on Father’s day.

Usually considered a day of rest and relaxation for father’s everywhere, Taylor has decided to subvert the usual father’s day activities by making his entire family run for the first time in years.

“I just wanted my dad to know how special he is to me,” Taylor told Gatekeeper reporters. “I mean, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate all the hard work he has put into raising me than by waking him up early to exercise in public.

Although unavailable for comment, sources close to Glenn Taylor have confirmed that he does, in fact, plan on running the 5K, as long as he can eat a full lunch immediately after (at 8:15 a.m.) and fall asleep within 7 minutes of turning the game on.

The 10th annual Kirkpatrick Memorial Fun Run begins at 6 a.m. on the high school’s football field. For some reason, there will be a live band, a booth run by the YMCA, and Gatorade-sponsored refueling stations for when you inevitably throw up as you cross the finish line.

Friend’s Painting Bad

By David Colton

KENILWORTH — Nobody was expecting transcendence. Nobody’s expectations were high at all, really.

And yet, somehow, Andrew let us all down anyway.

Art-major-at-a-state-school-turned-starving-artist-in-his-parents’-mansion Andrew Dimby told his friends long before his debut exhibition that his works would be sure to “call back some of the basic fundamentals of brushstroke literature.”

Although no one in the friend group bothered to question this, it didn’t take long for them to realize what they had done once they arrived at his house.

“I was really, really hoping all of his stuff was going to end up being abstract,” said Rachel Termin, Andrew’s friend. “When he told me most of the works were ‘contemplative reissues of modernist classics,’ I knew we were all fucked.”

According to Andrew’s personal website, there was no food or drink being served at the showing — which took place in his parents’ massive basement — and no outside snacks were allowed in.

“I really just find it so much harder to fully absorb and appreciate the full breadth of my work while under the influence of anything, be it food or drink,” said Andrew, who bought a scarf specifically for tonight.

Teenage Couple Just Going At It During ‘Aladdin’

By David Colton

AMC THEATERS WEST — After struggling to make it through all 20 minutes of previews without putting his arm around her, things finally came to fruition for 15-year-old Benny Rogers.

“I’ve been planning this second date for, like, four days now,” said Benny, who wears a gold chain outside of his black t-shirts for undisclosed reasons, “Sheila said she wanted to make out, and I thought… fuck, we gotta go see Aladdin.”

Sources within theater 6, which is all the way down the hall and to the left, confirmed that Benny and Sheila began passionately and audibly making out the exact second the Disney logo appeared on screen.

Benny explained that it’s common sense why Aladdin is the perfect movie for him to try out his  tongue technique, and that Will Smith being cast as the genie actually just made things easier for him in the long run.

Sheila, on the other hand, said that although she made it clear to Benny over Snapchat that she wanted to pay money for a movie and make out for all two hours of it, she specifically requested that they not see the popular Disney reboot.

“It just kind of freaks me out that Benny was so insistent on seeing Aladdin for our makeout sesh,” said Sheila, who puts down others for sport, “I was under the impression that he could get us into “A Dog’s Journey,” aka the best tonguing movie of the year.”

Coffee Table Books to Flip Through in a Stranger’s Living Room While Your Brother Takes a Piano Lesson Upstairs

By Eldridge K. Steppenwolf

Ah, another Saturday morning. The bliss of the birds chirping, the sweet scent of freshly cut grass, and the sound of your younger brother Brian practicing the main theme from Jaws our parents’ massive, out of tune, grand piano they got for show.

Suddenly, the domestic tranquility of Saturday Morning was shattered by Mom telling you to get your ass in the forest green Toyota Sienna so you won’t be late for Brian’s thirty minute piano lesson that takes an hour and forty five minutes to get to.

The instructor, Jonathan, is well aware of the hefty journey Brian makes every Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m.

However, Jonathan does not like to wait. He has stipulated in the contract that if pupils arrive between three and four minutes late, the lesson is void and said pupil must attempt again the following week.

You are unsure why your presence is required at yet another one of Brian’s piano lessons and you search the room for something to do while Brian absolutely butchers Beethoven’s Ninth.

Then, suddenly, a beacon of light. The coffee table. Covered end-to-end in large, glossy books on art, music, film, and one with entirely too much nudity for it not to be weird.  

Here’s our quick guide for navigating the sea of coffee table books before Jonathan silently comes down, brushes his ponytail out of his eyes, and tells you not to touch anything:

  1. David Hockney: A Bigger Book

Be confused as to why this man drawing a bunch of pools is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Get ready to ask your mom why you don’t have a pool and when she tells you to buy one with your own money, remind her that you are 7. Make sure you wipe the cheeto dust off your fingers before you flip through Hockney’s best works or be prepared to face Jonathan’s wrath when he inevitably emails your mom about it weeks later.

  1. Bruce Springsteen: The Stories Behind the Songs

New songs, new looks, and New Jersey. Feel free to peruse 500 pages of photos of the Boss’ motorcycle collection and hazy New Jersey turnpikes. Silently wonder why someone as lame as Jonathan would have a book that includes so many cool leather jackets and men in grease-stained white tank top smoking cigarettes on the side of the highway. Be sure to ask your mom if the next family vacation can be to Atlantic City.

  1. Vanity Fair, October 2011

Although definitely the last choice for older brothers who are in the living room of their brother’s piano teacher, this magazine is weirdly moist and has a ton of pictures. In fact, there’s even a perfume sample on one of those thicker card stock pages that you can apply and hope Jonathan doesn’t notice you stole his scent. There is also sometimes a crossword near the back of the issue, but I would guess Jonathan filled that out many moons ago.