Kid Brings Cleats to Pool Party

By David Colton

WINNETKA, IL — When Monica DeViscous received an invitation in the mail for her son Gio to be invited to his first birthday party, she knew he would have a hard time.

Gio is the new kid at Warren Elementary, and Timmy Squints is well-known as the coolest boy in the fifth grade.

Timmy is known in particular for his annual “Splash Party,” a birthday celebration for the most elite kids in the North Shore area.

Timmy said he knew he was taking a big risk by inviting the new kid in town, Gio.

“My mom made me invite that weird loser,” said Timmy, who will grow up to be just horrible, “He showed up to the first day of school with a ‘Lightning McQueen’ lunchbox, and every like, dude, everyone knows ‘Planes’ was the best part of that series.”

Apparently, Gio was aware of both the fact that Timmy didn’t want him there and that the historic event was a pool party.

It was his mother, Monica DeViscous, who pressured little Gio to bring his soccer spikes “just in case”

“It was weird, because he like showed up 45 minutes early but also didn’t have a swimsuit,” said Timmy Squints, party host and semi-professional air soft warrior. “It was like he was planning on gradually shifting the party into the wet grass.”

Gio was eventually the last kid at the party, and the only one who neglected to adhere to the Splash Bash’s strict water-gifts-only guidelines.

Involuntary Participation in 5K Given as Father’s Day Gift

By Mo Macsai-Goren

GLENVIEW, ILLINOIS – Redeeming himself from last year’s hot sauce subscription box debacle, local teen Jacob Taylor surprised his father, Glenn, Saturday morning by letting him know that he signed the whole family up for a 5K fun run for charity that starts at 6 in the morning on Father’s day.

Usually considered a day of rest and relaxation for father’s everywhere, Taylor has decided to subvert the usual father’s day activities by making his entire family run for the first time in years.

“I just wanted my dad to know how special he is to me,” Taylor told Gatekeeper reporters. “I mean, I can’t think of a better way to celebrate all the hard work he has put into raising me than by waking him up early to exercise in public.

Although unavailable for comment, sources close to Glenn Taylor have confirmed that he does, in fact, plan on running the 5K, as long as he can eat a full lunch immediately after (at 8:15 a.m.) and fall asleep within 7 minutes of turning the game on.

The 10th annual Kirkpatrick Memorial Fun Run begins at 6 a.m. on the high school’s football field. For some reason, there will be a live band, a booth run by the YMCA, and Gatorade-sponsored refueling stations for when you inevitably throw up as you cross the finish line.

Friend’s Painting Bad

By David Colton

KENILWORTH — Nobody was expecting transcendence. Nobody’s expectations were high at all, really.

And yet, somehow, Andrew let us all down anyway.

Art-major-at-a-state-school-turned-starving-artist-in-his-parents’-mansion Andrew Dimby told his friends long before his debut exhibition that his works would be sure to “call back some of the basic fundamentals of brushstroke literature.”

Although no one in the friend group bothered to question this, it didn’t take long for them to realize what they had done once they arrived at his house.

“I was really, really hoping all of his stuff was going to end up being abstract,” said Rachel Termin, Andrew’s friend. “When he told me most of the works were ‘contemplative reissues of modernist classics,’ I knew we were all fucked.”

According to Andrew’s personal website, there was no food or drink being served at the showing — which took place in his parents’ massive basement — and no outside snacks were allowed in.

“I really just find it so much harder to fully absorb and appreciate the full breadth of my work while under the influence of anything, be it food or drink,” said Andrew, who bought a scarf specifically for tonight.

Teenage Couple Just Going At It During ‘Aladdin’

By David Colton

AMC THEATERS WEST — After struggling to make it through all 20 minutes of previews without putting his arm around her, things finally came to fruition for 15-year-old Benny Rogers.

“I’ve been planning this second date for, like, four days now,” said Benny, who wears a gold chain outside of his black t-shirts for undisclosed reasons, “Sheila said she wanted to make out, and I thought… fuck, we gotta go see Aladdin.”

Sources within theater 6, which is all the way down the hall and to the left, confirmed that Benny and Sheila began passionately and audibly making out the exact second the Disney logo appeared on screen.

Benny explained that it’s common sense why Aladdin is the perfect movie for him to try out his  tongue technique, and that Will Smith being cast as the genie actually just made things easier for him in the long run.

Sheila, on the other hand, said that although she made it clear to Benny over Snapchat that she wanted to pay money for a movie and make out for all two hours of it, she specifically requested that they not see the popular Disney reboot.

“It just kind of freaks me out that Benny was so insistent on seeing Aladdin for our makeout sesh,” said Sheila, who puts down others for sport, “I was under the impression that he could get us into “A Dog’s Journey,” aka the best tonguing movie of the year.”

Coffee Table Books to Flip Through in a Stranger’s Living Room While Your Brother Takes a Piano Lesson Upstairs

By Eldridge K. Steppenwolf

Ah, another Saturday morning. The bliss of the birds chirping, the sweet scent of freshly cut grass, and the sound of your younger brother Brian practicing the main theme from Jaws our parents’ massive, out of tune, grand piano they got for show.

Suddenly, the domestic tranquility of Saturday Morning was shattered by Mom telling you to get your ass in the forest green Toyota Sienna so you won’t be late for Brian’s thirty minute piano lesson that takes an hour and forty five minutes to get to.

The instructor, Jonathan, is well aware of the hefty journey Brian makes every Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m.

However, Jonathan does not like to wait. He has stipulated in the contract that if pupils arrive between three and four minutes late, the lesson is void and said pupil must attempt again the following week.

You are unsure why your presence is required at yet another one of Brian’s piano lessons and you search the room for something to do while Brian absolutely butchers Beethoven’s Ninth.

Then, suddenly, a beacon of light. The coffee table. Covered end-to-end in large, glossy books on art, music, film, and one with entirely too much nudity for it not to be weird.  

Here’s our quick guide for navigating the sea of coffee table books before Jonathan silently comes down, brushes his ponytail out of his eyes, and tells you not to touch anything:

  1. David Hockney: A Bigger Book

Be confused as to why this man drawing a bunch of pools is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Get ready to ask your mom why you don’t have a pool and when she tells you to buy one with your own money, remind her that you are 7. Make sure you wipe the cheeto dust off your fingers before you flip through Hockney’s best works or be prepared to face Jonathan’s wrath when he inevitably emails your mom about it weeks later.

  1. Bruce Springsteen: The Stories Behind the Songs

New songs, new looks, and New Jersey. Feel free to peruse 500 pages of photos of the Boss’ motorcycle collection and hazy New Jersey turnpikes. Silently wonder why someone as lame as Jonathan would have a book that includes so many cool leather jackets and men in grease-stained white tank top smoking cigarettes on the side of the highway. Be sure to ask your mom if the next family vacation can be to Atlantic City.

  1. Vanity Fair, October 2011

Although definitely the last choice for older brothers who are in the living room of their brother’s piano teacher, this magazine is weirdly moist and has a ton of pictures. In fact, there’s even a perfume sample on one of those thicker card stock pages that you can apply and hope Jonathan doesn’t notice you stole his scent. There is also sometimes a crossword near the back of the issue, but I would guess Jonathan filled that out many moons ago.

Five Dressers That Might Tip Over if You Open All The Drawers

By David Colton

  1. Your Older Brother Joey’s Dresser From College
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Oh yeah, that dresser would probably tip over. It looks heavy, even with all the drawers closed. I would say the fact that the drawers are so tall makes it more likely for the entire structure to tip over because of the extra wood necessary to construct it.

2. Your Great Aunt’s Old Dresser From Before She Left

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This bad boy would almost certainly come crashing down. I mean, just look at it! The vertical shape makes it nearly impossible to avoid a fall. Plus, there’s a chance Great Aunt Melinda left her shotgun in there, and we all remember how much that thing weighed from when she let us hold it when we were little!

3. That Dresser From the Basement

I’m not really sure whose dresser that is or why it’s in our basement, but I’m almost positive this sonofagun would be a goner if all of those rolly drawers were slid out to maximum length. Plus, the image already gives us a taste of what it would be like. And also Dad keeps his emergency cigarettes in there so maybe we shouldn’t tip it over.

4. This Dresser From Online

This one was just a picture from when I google searched for dressers with heavy, slidey drawers. I think this baby will almost certainly take a spill if you forget to put on your socks before the entire rest of your outfit and don’t close any of the drawers in between. Additionally, those rolly drawers look totally heavy.

5. Dad’s Favorite Dresser From His Old Family

Needless to say, Dad would be pretty pissed if we tipped over his favorite dresser from before he started dating mom last month. But just look at it! Those drawers are begging to be opened the rest of the way. Just inch them out a little more, and we’ll keep lookout for dad. He doesn’t even want the dresser, he just likes it because he says it still smells like Janice.

Attempt to Wash Vaseline Off Hands Only Makes Them Waterproof

By Mo Macsai-Goren

BATHROOM – Smearing his crusty digits with viscous petroleum jelly, Area teen Marcus Hamm began to panic when he realized the layer of Vaseline he applied to his flaking, shriveled hands would not come off.

Instead, the turbid, creamy ointment succeeded only in making his hands completely waterproof.

What started as an attempt to combat this winter’s bout of dry skin ended with Hamm breaking down on his bathroom floor as a mere shell of the man he once was. Hamm wept for hours, citing the fact that his hands will seemingly never be able to grip anything again.

“I’m ruined,” Hamm sobbed. “All I wanted was to moisturize my phalanges and now I can’t even grip the tap to turn the water off.

Hamm continued to sob as the sink began to overflow and soak into his gorgeous silk pajamas.

Experts estimate that the Vaseline will stay shellacked on Hamm’s hands until he decides he wants to absolutely destroy one of his families nice dish towels.

Mom Wearing Four Pairs of Prescription Sunglasses

By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Citing a lack of sunscreen that can be effectively applied to her eyelids, Janet Schuster spent $674 on sunglasses in a single trip to MyEyeDr. Friday.

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill, regular see-through sunglasses either.

According to Janet, every additional pair of prescription -3.8 glasses with polarized sun protection just adds to the distance from which she can make sure her son isn’t being excluded from sports games at the beach.

“With my new method of vision, I can be sure that my André is always a captain for sand baseball,” said Janet, who is 48 and strangely competitive about yoga. “I love new trends!”

André, who is 12 now, has officially established himself as the leader of the small group of sixth-grade boys. He said the key to his success is simple: cyberbully the weak.

Janet said she’s incredibly proud of little André, and even more proud of her husband, who owns and operates an Instagram account for his veganism.

For Janet, her sunglasses/ tinted telescope creation is just the beginning of how she will spend her days.

She already has plans in the works for a one-piece swimsuit you can wear to the store.

Close-Knit Community Rallies Behind Newly Single MILF

By Ronnie Guggs

WINNETKA, IL — Supporters lined the streets of downtown Sunday as the community held its first rally in support of Isabella street’s hottest, loneliest new resident.

Most people knew Cheryl Thurtis as Trevor’s stepmom. Cheryl is a great stepmom, the type that let you have ice cream as an after-school snack —and, she’s totally hot.

But now, word on the street is that Trevor’s dad, Burke, slept with his receptionist again, and the Thurtis family is splitting up for good.

“I don’t know if the community would be so ready to reach out and help if she wasn’t so hot,” next door neighbor Leanne Hinkins said. “She’s like, Stacy’s Mom hot.”

Apparently, the tight-knit community doesn’t often find things to agree on, let alone to this extent.

Cheryl said she feels like a regular Ginger Rogers. Although most of the area’s teenage boys don’t know who that is, several of them confirmed that this comparison was “for sure correct” and “super hot.”

“I just didn’t think our little family-oriented community could come together over something this important,” said Herman Drope, local taxidermist, “we couldn’t even get anyone to vote in the 2018 midterms.”

The Next Gottlob Frege? Robbie Just Completed One Side of a Rubik’s Cube

By Gill Hurtig

EAST LANSING, MI – Robbie Daniels, fourth grader at Glencairn Elementary school was a middle-of-the-pack student, underwhelming in the eyes of the girls in his class, and an all-around forgettable personality.

But all of that changed when Robbie brought his Rubix cube to school last Tuesday.

Against all odds, Robbie completed the blue side of the coveted puzzle cube in front of his classmates at show-and-tell. The event lasted a show-and-tell record 46 minutes while Robbie shaped and reshaped his cube at the front of the room—but all was worthwhile in the end. Robbie, who has received numerous requests from peers to finish a side for them, has since whittled down that time to 31 minutes and has garnered a deep respect from both teachers and classmates alike.

When asked to comment, Robbie explained: “Pick any color. I can do any of the colors.”

An updated story says that Robbie can now complete one whole side and also get the middle stripe of a second side. Needless to say, the world can expect big things from Robbie Daniels.