Ash Wednesday Once Again Proves There Are More of Them Than You Think

By David Colton

WEALTHY SUBURBS — As Fat Tuesday comes to a close and the city of New Orleans tries to give up the two lives lost at this weekend’s Mardi Gras festivities for lent, it’s time for everybody’s favorite religious group to remind you they exist.

That’s right, it’s Ash Wednesday! The one day of the year when people go to church on Wednesday and still make you feel bad for not going. 

Keep your eyes peeled for a massive, slow-walking group of sad-looking whites, potentially chanting as they advance toward city hall.

“I like putting the ash on my head because it reminds everyone of the persecution of our people,” said Timmy O’Boyle, whose parents spend more money on Notre Dame football tickets than their kids’ education.

Little Timmy isn’t alone either. Millions of Catholics across the country will today receive the sacred smudge from a priest that has been transferred to their church.

“The purpose of the cross smudge is, above all else, to indicate that you are different,” said Christopher Reilly, a single 34-year-old who teaches judgment and privilege to a roomful of children every week.

It’s easy to get swept into the joyous festivities, but make sure to take caution when approaching  a group of 25+.

Spotify Wrapped Really Not Letting You Forget Breakup

By David Colton

YOUR PAST — Well, it’s that time of year again. Christmas lights are up, winter coats are on and it’s time to reflect on the challenges you failed to overcome in 2019.

As they do around this date every year, Spotify has released their annual “Year Wrapped” collection of data from your year of listening.

Once again, it’s painfully clear that the majority of time you spent listening to music was curled up into a ball in the corner of your studio apartment, crying into your AirPods case.

When you initially visited the site, you were looking forward to seeing your 2019 favorites like Lizzo, Post Malone and Billie Eilish.

Instead, you were met with a harsh wake-up call to the tune of the Boygenius EP. He didn’t even like Lucy Daucus, so it was sort of empowering to listen to right when the breakup happened, but over time it just made you sad.

It’s also obvious that he still shares your Spotify. I mean, unless you listened to 34 hours of Metallica. Don’t worry — even though everyone is sharing their fun, happy listening history and your #2 is that Sarah McLachlan dead animals song, nobody will reach out when you post that cry-for-help of a list.
You can rest assured that everyone cares far more about you seeing their list than anything actually having to do with you.

Study Finds Millennials Prefer Platonic Friends with Platonic Benefits

By Ben Gaspin

NEW YORK – A study out of Columbia University found that people ages 18-34 are nearly twice as likely to want friends to just fucking show up on time rather than have casual sex with them, an increase of 152% as compared to a similar study from 1981. Whereas the Boomer generation really just wanted their hot friends to sleep with them consequence-free, Millennials overwhelmingly prefer someone who will come to their improv show, even if it’s in Brooklyn.

Twenty-six-year-old Ruthie Jain thinks the difference goes deeper than just the fact that all these hot dads around now were probably just as hot as twenty-somethings, and who wouldn’t want to get with that? “Listen,” she said. “There’s always competition. If I get that job, maybe James won’t, so he can’t waste time hanging out with me because that means less time for him to spend staring at his resume making small grammatical tweaks. All I really need right now are friends to get lunch with. Sex is the last thing on my mind.”

That isn’t to say that Millennials dislike sex. Far from it. Sex positivity has gone from counterculture to culture, with some of the biggest young celebrities in the world proclaiming their love for lovemaking. Just last week, “Stranger Things’” Joe Keery revealed to the world that he “fucks, like, on the daily. I’m Steve Harrington, bitch.”

But sex is no longer enough to satisfy the young, supple body. Not even juice cleanses and crippling anxiety can make most Millennials feel anything anymore. For that, young people simply need someone to ironically (not so ironically) watch reality television with. More and more, young people are starting to realize that the real casual sex was the friends they made along the way.

Abolish Bryce: That Guy Sucks

By Scottie Pzeskryzwcsk

SAN DIEGO – Hundreds of protesters convened in front of the University of California San Diego’s reflecting pool early Wednesday morning to protest the ongoing presence of Bryce McMahon, 19, on the undergraduate campus. These massive demonstrations come on the heels of the administration’s decision to allow McMahon to remain enrolled at UCSD despite being a massive tool. Members of the faculty have brought McMahon’s behavior to the attention of the administration at the request of a group of anonymous students who could not stand listening to McMahon talk about Jordan Belfort anymore. Thom Jorgensen, McMahon’s resident advisor, suggested expelling the third-year sophomore outright after he openly became a campus ambassador for Total Frat Move and admitted his love for the Entourage Movie in one of his many protein-powder-fueled fugue states. Although the protests have progressively gotten larger and more impassioned, there have still been no indications from the UCSD administration that they will indeed abolish Bryce.

10 Vegan Recipes to Cook on Your Scorching-Hot Macbook Charger

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Summer is officially here! That means swimming, tanning, and sand when you wipe! If you’re anything like me, you’re probably looking for vegan-friendly summer recipes that are easy to make and won’t break your beach bod diet!

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of seeing so-called “easy” one-pot recipes that require loads of special kitchen equipment. After brushing my arm against my white-hot Macbook charger and singeing all my hair off, inspiration struck.

Why bother with a finicky stove or a crusty crockpot when the good people at apple have included a high-powered heating element directly into your now-obsolete computer? Why waste your time waiting for your oven to preheat when your charger is instantly searing hot from the moment you plug it in?

Gather your veggies, marinade your seitan, and plug in your computer because the following recipes are easy, healthy, tasty, and can all be prepared on your piping hot ‘puter plug.

1. Cashew Cheese & Vegan Bacon Impossible Burger

This meat-masquerading marvel is a perfect easy meal. The burgers must be seared on high head until cooked thoroughly. Good thing your Macbook charger and the accompanying exposed wires are painfully hot to the touch.

2. Summer Squash Summer Salad

This vegan delight doesn’t require a heating element because all the ingredients are perfect just the way you are. Unfortunately, you put your fresh arugula down next to your computer charger and the ambient heat emanating off of it burnt your greens to a crisp.

3. Soy Chicken “Caesar” Salad

Cook your soy chicken through completely in under five seconds as your laptop charger glows red and hisses violently. Don’t forget about the croutons! Remember to let them toast for no more than 90 seconds or they will burst into flame.

4. Sofritas Scramble

Cook this scrumptious scramble in seconds after giving your charger seven seconds to fully heat up. When you’re done, try a 30-minute glass blowing lesson powered by the inferno emitted by your powercord.

5. Take Up Welding

Don’t let all that heat go to waste! Power a small, vegan, self-contained welding machine and don’t forget to keep those goggles on in case the arc voltage is too high when you’re bare metal-arc welding a base metal to a welding rod. Remember to practice your welding terminology! There will be a quiz.

6. Harness the Power Of Flight

All these recipes are nice and everything but why waste the unbelievable heating source in your back pocket? Use your charging cable to fill a large (vegan) balloon with hot air and take to the sky. Be back in 80 days!

7. Develop a Vegan Nuclear Power Turbine

Use that heat for good! Harnessing the heat from your charger, turn water into steam into energy into amazing HBO Miniseries’! What’s the worst that could happen?

8. Frack Every Last Drop of Natural Gas From Appalachia*

Plug your Macbook charger in to your state-of-the-art hydraulic drill and use the heat to crack through a layer of shale to release that sweet, sweet, natural gas. Pay no attention to local community members as they beg you to stop drilling due to the horrific ecological ramifications and longterm health risks. You’re gonna be rich!

*This is the only recipe that is not completely vegan. Although natural gas does come straight from the earth, it is derived from the remains of hundreds of thousands of extinct marine life that has been broken down underground for millions of years. It has also been processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, wheat, and soy.

9. Harness the Power of the Sun

Your computer can withstand the heat from your charger, meaning that it should be able to safely absorb the heat from the sun, a slightly cooler source-of-all-life that powers our world as we know it. Pick up a cheap 93,000,000 mile extension cord on Amazon and charge all your accessories in a blink of an eye. Talk about solar power!

10. Vegan Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Boil water in seconds and cook your pasta in under a minute as you cook this deliciously creamy, rich plant-based pasta dish. Don’t forget to add nutritional yeast for that extra cheesy flavor and wear protective eye gear when looking directly at your red-hot Macbook charger. The radiation can sear your corneas in seconds!

Study Finds Buffet Eggs 80% Water

By Mo Macsai-Goren

EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.

The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.

“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”

Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.

“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”

Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.

“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”

Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.