Study Finds Millennials Prefer Platonic Friends with Platonic Benefits

By Ben Gaspin

NEW YORK – A study out of Columbia University found that people ages 18-34 are nearly twice as likely to want friends to just fucking show up on time rather than have casual sex with them, an increase of 152% as compared to a similar study from 1981. Whereas the Boomer generation really just wanted their hot friends to sleep with them consequence-free, Millennials overwhelmingly prefer someone who will come to their improv show, even if it’s in Brooklyn.

Twenty-six-year-old Ruthie Jain thinks the difference goes deeper than just the fact that all these hot dads around now were probably just as hot as twenty-somethings, and who wouldn’t want to get with that? “Listen,” she said. “There’s always competition. If I get that job, maybe James won’t, so he can’t waste time hanging out with me because that means less time for him to spend staring at his resume making small grammatical tweaks. All I really need right now are friends to get lunch with. Sex is the last thing on my mind.”

That isn’t to say that Millennials dislike sex. Far from it. Sex positivity has gone from counterculture to culture, with some of the biggest young celebrities in the world proclaiming their love for lovemaking. Just last week, “Stranger Things’” Joe Keery revealed to the world that he “fucks, like, on the daily. I’m Steve Harrington, bitch.”

But sex is no longer enough to satisfy the young, supple body. Not even juice cleanses and crippling anxiety can make most Millennials feel anything anymore. For that, young people simply need someone to ironically (not so ironically) watch reality television with. More and more, young people are starting to realize that the real casual sex was the friends they made along the way.

Abolish Bryce: That Guy Sucks

By Scottie Pzeskryzwcsk

SAN DIEGO – Hundreds of protesters convened in front of the University of California San Diego’s reflecting pool early Wednesday morning to protest the ongoing presence of Bryce McMahon, 19, on the undergraduate campus. These massive demonstrations come on the heels of the administration’s decision to allow McMahon to remain enrolled at UCSD despite being a massive tool. Members of the faculty have brought McMahon’s behavior to the attention of the administration at the request of a group of anonymous students who could not stand listening to McMahon talk about Jordan Belfort anymore. Thom Jorgensen, McMahon’s resident advisor, suggested expelling the third-year sophomore outright after he openly became a campus ambassador for Total Frat Move and admitted his love for the Entourage Movie in one of his many protein-powder-fueled fugue states. Although the protests have progressively gotten larger and more impassioned, there have still been no indications from the UCSD administration that they will indeed abolish Bryce.

10 Vegan Recipes to Cook on Your Scorching-Hot Macbook Charger

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Summer is officially here! That means swimming, tanning, and sand when you wipe! If you’re anything like me, you’re probably looking for vegan-friendly summer recipes that are easy to make and won’t break your beach bod diet!

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of seeing so-called “easy” one-pot recipes that require loads of special kitchen equipment. After brushing my arm against my white-hot Macbook charger and singeing all my hair off, inspiration struck.

Why bother with a finicky stove or a crusty crockpot when the good people at apple have included a high-powered heating element directly into your now-obsolete computer? Why waste your time waiting for your oven to preheat when your charger is instantly searing hot from the moment you plug it in?

Gather your veggies, marinade your seitan, and plug in your computer because the following recipes are easy, healthy, tasty, and can all be prepared on your piping hot ‘puter plug.

1. Cashew Cheese & Vegan Bacon Impossible Burger

This meat-masquerading marvel is a perfect easy meal. The burgers must be seared on high head until cooked thoroughly. Good thing your Macbook charger and the accompanying exposed wires are painfully hot to the touch.

2. Summer Squash Summer Salad

This vegan delight doesn’t require a heating element because all the ingredients are perfect just the way you are. Unfortunately, you put your fresh arugula down next to your computer charger and the ambient heat emanating off of it burnt your greens to a crisp.

3. Soy Chicken “Caesar” Salad

Cook your soy chicken through completely in under five seconds as your laptop charger glows red and hisses violently. Don’t forget about the croutons! Remember to let them toast for no more than 90 seconds or they will burst into flame.

4. Sofritas Scramble

Cook this scrumptious scramble in seconds after giving your charger seven seconds to fully heat up. When you’re done, try a 30-minute glass blowing lesson powered by the inferno emitted by your powercord.

5. Take Up Welding

Don’t let all that heat go to waste! Power a small, vegan, self-contained welding machine and don’t forget to keep those goggles on in case the arc voltage is too high when you’re bare metal-arc welding a base metal to a welding rod. Remember to practice your welding terminology! There will be a quiz.

6. Harness the Power Of Flight

All these recipes are nice and everything but why waste the unbelievable heating source in your back pocket? Use your charging cable to fill a large (vegan) balloon with hot air and take to the sky. Be back in 80 days!

7. Develop a Vegan Nuclear Power Turbine

Use that heat for good! Harnessing the heat from your charger, turn water into steam into energy into amazing HBO Miniseries’! What’s the worst that could happen?

8. Frack Every Last Drop of Natural Gas From Appalachia*

Plug your Macbook charger in to your state-of-the-art hydraulic drill and use the heat to crack through a layer of shale to release that sweet, sweet, natural gas. Pay no attention to local community members as they beg you to stop drilling due to the horrific ecological ramifications and longterm health risks. You’re gonna be rich!

*This is the only recipe that is not completely vegan. Although natural gas does come straight from the earth, it is derived from the remains of hundreds of thousands of extinct marine life that has been broken down underground for millions of years. It has also been processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, wheat, and soy.

9. Harness the Power of the Sun

Your computer can withstand the heat from your charger, meaning that it should be able to safely absorb the heat from the sun, a slightly cooler source-of-all-life that powers our world as we know it. Pick up a cheap 93,000,000 mile extension cord on Amazon and charge all your accessories in a blink of an eye. Talk about solar power!

10. Vegan Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Boil water in seconds and cook your pasta in under a minute as you cook this deliciously creamy, rich plant-based pasta dish. Don’t forget to add nutritional yeast for that extra cheesy flavor and wear protective eye gear when looking directly at your red-hot Macbook charger. The radiation can sear your corneas in seconds!

Study Finds Buffet Eggs 80% Water

By Mo Macsai-Goren

EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.

The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.

“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”

Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.

“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”

Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.

“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”

Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.

Dad Announced as Commencement Speaker for Homeschool Graduation

By Mo Macsai-Goren

Surprising the entire faculty and student body alike, the office of the Dean of the Homeschool has announced that Dad will be this year’s highly coveted commencement speaker at the ceremony on May 11.

This decision to select Dad follows The office of the Dean of the Homeschool’s controversial selection of Aunt Linda last year, who chugged a bottle of bourbon in between exchanging platitudes with the graduation class of one.

Known for his horrendous karaoke versions of Beatles songs and thin temper when nobody can decide where to go out to eat, Dad is expected to discuss success, failure, the beauty of knowledge, and almost certainly walk out onstage to a Black Eyed Peas Song someone in his office told him was still relevant.

When asked if he was excited to be the commencement speaker, Dad could barely contain himself.

“Oh, I can’t wait,” Dad said. “I’ll have to dust off my old cap and gown and maybe get a haircut. You know? I might actually get all of them cut.”

Dad is expected to speak at 2 pm in the living room on May 11.

Google Maps Update Now Sends Rude Relatives to Wrong Address Hours Away

By Grace Bahler

MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.

“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”

When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.

“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”

Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.

As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.