Study Finds In-Flight Entertainment Far More Interesting on Screen in Front of You

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.

After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen. 

“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”

Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.

The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.

Oh Shit: Good Charlotte Just Tweeted Proof That Good Friday Was Named After Them

By David Colton

WALDORF, MD — We all knew this day was coming.

Good Charlotte has finally come out and said what people have been saying for years. After years of vicious denial by the Christian Church, which is already amid scandals aplenty, it appears no choice remains but to publicly acknowledge the truth.

“Now that Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul have thrust the church into the spotlight and exposed them, I can tell the world is ready for a new breed of religion,” said Purman Stove, Good Charlotte fan and unpublished author of several teen romance novels.

The pop punk band was initially popular in the early 2000s, which is said to be when the idea of a national holiday to celebrate Good Charlotte originally began circulating.

Even though this is arguably the most well-known public rumor to circulate in the last two decades, the band did us all the favor of tweeting proof to go along with the stunning revelation.

The band will put out 3 18-song albums this weekend, one for every day Benji overslept and missed rehearsal.

 Of course, on the third day, he makes it to rehearsal on time and the boys are ready for another gig.

Super Weird Study Finds Mucinex Man Kind of Cute

ATLANTA – Illuminating where taxpayer dollars actually go, an incredibly weird government-funded study has found the Mucinex monster kind of cute.

In a truly bizarre 174-page document compiled by officials at the CDC in Atlanta, researchers have officially declared Mr. Mucus, the face of Mucinex’s popular antihistamine advertisements, to be “at least a seven.”

“We are completely unsure why we conducted this study,” head researcher Dr. Lloyd Shangles said. “Thanks to a generous private donation from Ted Cruz in addition to a currently unknown amount of taxpayer dollars, we were able to pour way too much time into this.

The entire report has yet to be released to the general public, but many confused Mucinex patrons have expressed concern for what the full report might disclose.

“Yeah, it was starting to get really intense before everything was redacted,” an anonymous source said. “I live in constant fear that this fucking batshit report is going to describe the Mucinex monster’s horrific body in more detail than it already has. Please, make it stop.”

The full report is expected to be available soon solely via the Barnes & Noble Nook in-line store.

God help us all.

Beto O’Rourke Didn’t See You at His Gig Last Night

By David Colton

RANDY’S TAVERN — Even after delaying his set by 25 minutes and stopping the show several times in between Elliott Smith covers, Beto said after the show he was “like, majorly bummed” he didn’t see you in the crowd.

O’Rourke, who recently declared his candidacy for president, is best known for doing a poor job of riding a skateboard around a Whataburger parking lot in dress clothes.

None of this changes the fact that he planned a very specific set list because he thought you’d actually give a shit enough to show.

“What? You think I just decided to play mostly originals for no reason?” said Beto, who has never actually written any of his own songs.

“I un-learned six Phish songs for you.”

Although it is not clear why the former non-senator had to unlearn songs to include originals in his set, we figured we’d be better off just staying out of his way and let him sing other people’s songs.

“I’m not sure where we’ll be at for our next show, but I’m also not sure I want to tell you anymore,” Beto said, taking a long drag of his hand-rolled cigarette.

“I mean, what would be the point? You clearly don’t even think about me ever.”

Beto has threatened to suspend his presidential campaign to work on his latest mixtape for you, but probably won’t until you stop responding to his texts.

Outraged Joe Biden Threatens to Kick Own Ass in Locker Room

By David Colton

DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.

The former VP famously threatened to “beat the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.

“I just hope the American voter base holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,” said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.

Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.

He said he won’t hold back against himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton practice.

“I think the American people deserve a president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in 1975.

Time to Take a Stand: I’m Sick of My Body Wash Calling Me a “Gel Douche”

By David Colton

THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.

Well, this is it.

After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.

No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.

I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.

I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.

I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.

There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’

I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.

Report Finds Nation’s Edible Consumers Not Feeling Anything Yet

By Mo Macsai-Goren

DENVER – Insisting that the previous dose could not possibly be high enough, a new study has revealed that the Nation’s edible consumers are still not feeling anything yet.

According to the report, these stupid chocolates were supposed to kick in like, 30 minutes ago. In order to combat the delayed psychoactive results, consumers are advised to just go ahead and eat the rest of them.

“It’s only weed, right? What could go wrong?” Every single edible consumer asked before downing the rest of the included doses and even weirdly licking the package, as if that would help.

The report goes on to detail different activities to do while you wait such as completely forgetting about the edibles and diving head first into a political debate with your uncle.

The Nation’s edible consumers went on to amend the report by insisting that they be taken to the hospital immediately, citing the feeling of their heartbeat in their eyelids, genuinely forgetting that inhaling is a vital component of breathing, and their sudden tolerance for the 2007 smash hit “Waterhouse: Legend of the Deep.”

Shen Yun Announces Residency Fucking Everywhere

By David Colton

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.

“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.

“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”

It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.

“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.

Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”

“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”

Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.

Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?

My god. It’s happening.

Johnson & Johnson Announce Addition of Coveted Third Johnson

By Mo Macsai-Goren

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Squashing rumors that their days of innovative thinking are over, a spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson has announced that the family company will be phasing in a third Johnson in 2020.

Expected to boost baby shampoo sales and literally nothing else, the addition of a third Johnson comes at a pivotal time for Johnson & Johnson. After last year’s disastrous baby powder sales numbers, CEO Johnson Johnson searched for a much-needed change.

“At first we thought about getting rid of a Johnson,” Johnson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Ultimately, we decided to add a third Johnson in an effort to boost sales. Will it work? Who knows, but I’m willing to bet people will love a third Johnson in their lives.”

At this time, Johnson has not ruled out the possibility of adding yet another Johnson to the signature red Johnson & Johnson & Johnson logo in the future.