By Ben Gaspin

NEW YORK – A study out of Columbia University found that people ages 18-34 are nearly twice as likely to want friends to just fucking show up on time rather than have casual sex with them, an increase of 152% as compared to a similar study from 1981. Whereas the Boomer generation really just wanted their hot friends to sleep with them consequence-free, Millennials overwhelmingly prefer someone who will come to their improv show, even if it’s in Brooklyn.

Twenty-six-year-old Ruthie Jain thinks the difference goes deeper than just the fact that all these hot dads around now were probably just as hot as twenty-somethings, and who wouldn’t want to get with that? “Listen,” she said. “There’s always competition. If I get that job, maybe James won’t, so he can’t waste time hanging out with me because that means less time for him to spend staring at his resume making small grammatical tweaks. All I really need right now are friends to get lunch with. Sex is the last thing on my mind.”

That isn’t to say that Millennials dislike sex. Far from it. Sex positivity has gone from counterculture to culture, with some of the biggest young celebrities in the world proclaiming their love for lovemaking. Just last week, “Stranger Things’” Joe Keery revealed to the world that he “fucks, like, on the daily. I’m Steve Harrington, bitch.”

But sex is no longer enough to satisfy the young, supple body. Not even juice cleanses and crippling anxiety can make most Millennials feel anything anymore. For that, young people simply need someone to ironically (not so ironically) watch reality television with. More and more, young people are starting to realize that the real casual sex was the friends they made along the way.