By Mo Macsai-Goren

Surprising the entire faculty and student body alike, the office of the Dean of the Homeschool has announced that Dad will be this year’s highly coveted commencement speaker at the ceremony on May 11.

This decision to select Dad follows The office of the Dean of the Homeschool’s controversial selection of Aunt Linda last year, who chugged a bottle of bourbon in between exchanging platitudes with the graduation class of one.

Known for his horrendous karaoke versions of Beatles songs and thin temper when nobody can decide where to go out to eat, Dad is expected to discuss success, failure, the beauty of knowledge, and almost certainly walk out onstage to a Black Eyed Peas Song someone in his office told him was still relevant.

When asked if he was excited to be the commencement speaker, Dad could barely contain himself.

“Oh, I can’t wait,” Dad said. “I’ll have to dust off my old cap and gown and maybe get a haircut. You know? I might actually get all of them cut.”

Dad is expected to speak at 2 pm in the living room on May 11.