By Mo Macsai-Goren
PITTSBURGH – Struggling to find the perfect adjectives to describe his week-old festering sore, local hypochondriac Stewart Saunders successfully convinced himself he was going to die after a brief trip to WebMD late Wednesday night.
Saunders only ventured to the self diagnosis database after noticing that the weird red mark on his elbow from last week had started to grow and smell just a little bit.
“It’s getting kind of…bulbous?” Saunders said with caution. “I typed ‘red spot elbow itchy’ into WebMD and it told me I should’ve died already. I don’t think I’m describing it well enough…”
While expert dermatologists expect Saunders to make a full recovery, they predict that he will continue to lose his mind over it and even venture to a thesaurus to find the proper verbiage to describe his pustule.