Area Man Can’t Quite Put Rash Into Words

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PITTSBURGH – Struggling to find the perfect adjectives to describe his week-old festering sore, local hypochondriac Stewart Saunders successfully convinced himself he was going to die after a brief trip to WebMD late Wednesday night.

Saunders only ventured to the self diagnosis database after noticing that the weird red mark on his elbow from last week had started to grow and smell just a little bit.

“It’s getting kind of…bulbous?” Saunders said with caution. “I typed ‘red spot elbow itchy’ into WebMD and it told me I should’ve died already. I don’t think I’m describing it well enough…”

While expert dermatologists expect Saunders to make a full recovery, they predict that he will continue to lose his mind over it and even venture to a thesaurus to find the proper verbiage to describe his pustule.

Tonsils Put Back In

By Mo Macsai-Goren

PHILADELPHIA – Controversial surgeon Dr. Tobias L. Hartford announced the success of his latest surgical endeavor late Wednesday night. Hartford, a longtime ENT, revealed that he had conducted the first successful reverse tonsillectomy in human history.

“I just wanted to see if I could do it,” Dr. Hartford said. “The patient had them removed a couple years ago in an effort to minimize infection. When that didn’t work, we figured we may as well put them back in.”

The successful surgery has encouraged Hartford to make plans to put tonsils back into a variety of his patients. Some plans involve putting multiple sets of tonsils into one patient, for no apparent reason.

This surgery marks the latest success in Hartford’s experimental medical history, with past ventures including fingernail reversal and forehead augmentation.