7 Injured, 1 killed as Rupert Grint doesn’t get what he ordered at Chili’s


By David Colton

GARY, IN—Tuesday afternoon, local misfit wizard and spider hater Rupert Grint ordered a Buffalo Chicken Ranch Sandwich, and instead received the Classic Turkey Toasted Sandwich. The witness accounts of what happened have been pieced together by The Gatekeeper from various sources. Reader discretion is advised.

“It all happened so fast… the look he had on his face when he got his plate… I think everyone knew something was about to go down,” explains Destiny Murtaugh, mother of 7 and frequent Chili’s patron.

Several eyewitness accounts report Grint entering the Chili’s alone around 4 pm Tuesday.

“He sat there for like, four hours before he said anything,” explains waiter and sad man Derek Waters, “I think almost everyone knew it was Ron Weasley, but everyone seemed to scared to say anything.”

According to several eyewitness accounts, Grint began yelling what appeared to be spells at his food to try to get it to change to the chicken sandwich he wanted. When the spells didn’t work — which may have been related to the fact that his wand was Scotch-Taped together– he began flipping tables and assaulting people.

Several witnesses described the scene as ‘super weird, but mostly just confusing.’

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