National – Page 7 – The Gatekeeper

Farewell, Aux Cord: A Eulogy

September 14, 2016September 14, 2016Posted in NationalTagged aux, music, sad, sad music, sad sadLeave a comment

By Nick Rainey

Dear friend,

You will be forever remembered as a beautiful memory of joyous occasions. You brought us times of great unity, times of great achievement, as well as many times of comfort for us. Times where you could share your wonderful music taste with your friends on your way to various destinations, from trips to school to parties, and of course those times where you absolutely jammed your way to the grocery store. You’ve amassed a following, where a generation has depicted such momentous occasions in beautifully funny memes. Such can be explained in the situation:

When you’re bumping fire and your friend says, “Hey, what song is that?” and your reaction is depicted by this comical Russell Westbrook Picture:

Yes, with the highs, there were the few lows. We all experienced the times of trash being played by a friend and causing us to casually throw them out of a speeding car or responding with the ever so relevant Kodak Black reaction.

We’ve stayed with you through it all, even the transition to Bluetooth connecting. We don’t want to point blame for your downfall, but we are grateful for the time shared with you. May you find the peace that we have found utilizing your great power.

Farewell, dear friend, you will be missed.

Nation’s flags to remain at half-mast for remainder of 2016

September 6, 2016September 15, 2016Posted in NationalTagged felt, flag, National, piratesLeave a comment

By David Colton

WASHINGTON, DC – As the American people continue to recover from yet another terrorist attack on a different country, an important executive order has made its way down the ranks.

The order requested that all flags be left at half mast for the rest of 2016, due to ‘cautionary reasons.’

Congressman Derek Waters (R- MO) had some choice words about the new law, which is to go into effect immediately.

“It’s honestly the most we can do at this point,” explains Waters, “except continuing to extend our thoughts and prayers, of course.”

The law was implemented after several other countries experienced large-scale attacks.

“Other countries don’t seem to care about what mast their flag is at, and that’s really disrespectful to me as someone who likes to make up rules about flags,” states Waters, “honestly the only reason we haven’t been attacked recently is because the terrorists are like, ‘damn, these guys know how to raise a flag right,’ so they’re scared.”

In other news, don’t expect your father to stop asking you every day why the flag is at half-mast, and don’t expect you’ll be able to give him any answer other than “Jimmy Carter?”