Campus – Page 3 – The Gatekeeper

Professor insists leather patches on tweed jacket protect his elbows

September 6, 2016Posted in CampusTagged important, intellectual, professor, smartLeave a comment

By David Colton

MIDDLEBUSH HALL—After receiving several accusations and relentless questioning about the function of the leather elbow patches on his tweed jacket, Professor Gary Drooper finally broke his silence.

“I’ve received several questions regarding the function of the intentional patches on this tweed jacket,” Drooper explains to a crowd of thousands at his press conference, “I hope you can all rest assured my elbows will be safe indefinitely.”

Drooper uses the word ‘indefinitely,’ he says, because he hasn’t taken the jacket off in several weeks.

“I haven’t taken it off since I got it, and I don’t plan on it anytime soon, at least not until I find a jacket with mothballs and leather patches… but now I’m just being unrealistic,” Drooper explains, giggling sheepishly.

Also brought up in conversation was the “english courier” hat Drooper is often seen wearing.

“It really just reminds me of where I came from, and keeps me humble. When people see me in this hat they think ‘hey, that guy’s probably British or a smart writer or something,’ and that just razzes my berries,” explains Drooper, who is a professor of Theatre 1000 from Detroit.

Guys on other intramural team should’ve made the real team, Derek finds

September 6, 2016Posted in CampusTagged derek, frat, sportsLeave a comment

By David Colton

STANKOWSKI FIELD – Before this Tuesday’s intramural basketball game against the Missouri Baby Tigers, point guard Derek Waters noted one shocking fact.

“Dude, these guys all almost made the team, I swear,” says Waters, who supposedly saw many of them at tryouts for the practice team.

Waters’ teammate, Gerald Funk, says he isn’t positive on Waters’ logic.

“Yeah, whatever Derek says just isn’t true usually,” explains Funk, “I mean, I literally explained to him what a basketball was, like, three weeks ago.”

In response to hearing Funk’s comments, Waters simply said:

“Gerald? That man has no idea what’s going on, I’ve seen him do crack, dude. He’s also somehow a father of six, which I just don’t understand.”

Funk, who is actually a eunuch, explains “Honestly, it might just be a race thing… actually yeah, I’m pretty sure he’s just racist.”

Waters lives in a small shack off of Business Loop 70, reportedly doesn’t see color and is “actually almost completely blind.”

The game has yet to start and is a high-stakes matchup between two old rivals with bad intentions.

“I told the guys on the other team, you know, winning team gets to kill the families of losing team,” explains Waters, “so you could pretty much say this one’s for keeps.”

Fraternity lord falls ill

September 6, 2016September 8, 2016Posted in CampusTagged frat, legend, savage, sick, tfm, tightLeave a comment

By David Colton

COLUMBIA, MO – In tragic news this week, local frat deity Brad Legend was overtaken by a serious illness Tuesday. Witnesses to the scene were nearly speechless after watching Legend nearly collapse during the fraternity’s party rehearsal.

“It was like, terrible,” says fraternal associate Jack Janus, “he just kept talking about how sick he was, and we were like, ‘dude, do you need to go to the hospital?’”

The students responsible for saving Brad’s life say they rushed Legend to the hospital after he repeatedly shouted the word “sick” at increasing levels of volume.

“It was probably the honestly scariest moment of my life,” says Legend’s Girlfriend, Mia Fakesly, “I literally already couldn’t, and then Brad made me like actually not be able to even could.”

Fakesly could not be reached to clarify her comments.

Other members of the fraternity expressed empathy for Brad’s family, as well as the pledges who will have to endure months of catering to Brad’s every need.

“Honestly, I just really hope it doesn’t affect how the party goes on Saturday, because that shit is going to be hella lit,” says another fraternity member who didn’t remember his name, “I really hope and pray for Brad’s family as they endure this, I know what it’s like to be too sick for your own good.”

Brad was dismissed from Boone County Hospital the next day, and is now bedridden. Legend’s doctors say they “had no idea what was going on” and were “honestly pretty high during all of that… did we actually operate on that guy? He was fine.”