Category: Uncategorized

by Garrett Dvorkin

COLUMBIA- After weeks of investigation, MUPD finally brought the 27th biggest adderall dealer on campus to justice. Apprehended in room 236 of Wolpers Hall, officers dressed in SWAT gear were finally able to catch sophomore Noah Powers.

In a press conference at the scene of the arrest, local police chief Grady Spillman said “We have declared a war on Adderall. This drug is destroying our campus by allowing lazy and stupid students to maintain B+s. Completely harmless suburban kids with ADD from St.Louis are turned into drug dealers all due to this substance.”

 

When interrogated, Noah quickly folded and gave his supplier to the authorities. The college student would go home and get a legal subscription, then transport the drugs across state lines. MUPD called the CVS Pharmacy in Evanston Illinois for questioning, but no leads were found. The sentencing for Noah Powers will be held on Thursday, the minimum sentencing is anywhere from 2 BASICS sources and an AlcoholEDU to three years in prison. The Detectives on the case believe he may be connected to the Sinaloa cartel.

 

By David Colton

MIDDLEBUSH HALL—This morning, local English graduate student and teaching assistant Gerald McDervish did his first lecture all by himself!

The section of Intro to English 1000 was scheduled to receive its first guest lecture from this sad 30-year old, who still uses a backpack with wheels, this morning at 10:30. However, it wasn’t long before things took a turn for the worst.

“At first it was just the audio that wasn’t working,” says sophomore Geoff Bicep, “but then it turned out there was another video playing on a separate tab, and we all know how long that can take to sort out”

The video was supposed to be an introduction on how to write poetry, and It was to be accompanied by a song. After fiddling with the computer for 20 minutes and cursing under his breath (but still into the microphone), he finally gave up and moved on.

“Honestly, I’m glad it didn’t work out for him, because it seems like he was ready to embarrass himself,” explains English professor Phyllis Blimp, “I mean, a song? What are these kids, eight?”

Clearly, however, the class appreciated McDervish’s ability to recover from the mishap, as he was met with resounding applause at the end of class.

“I felt terrible for the guy,” explains Bicep, “by the end of it he was super sweaty and kept stuttering… I think everyone was just super uncomfortable, and that’s why we clapped when it was finally over.”

McDervish’s next lecture is scheduled for Wednesday, where he will discuss socioeconomical inequality using clicker questions.

 

 

By David Colton

ATLANTA, PROBABLY- As of this morning, specifically 1:36 am, local rapper and confused man Desiigner said his first word. In fact, he said four.

“I don’t know what’s going on.”

This is the first coherent sentence Desiigner, who recently made a song about Fairly OddParents, has said following nearly 13 years of intense language therapy.

“I’ve actually never seen anything like it,” explains Dr. Chonus Blocks, “I just don’t understand how he didn’t catch on to the language he’s surrounded with every day.”

In fact, there have been several studies done on Desiigner, whose real first name is Sidney. Yes, that’s actually real. Desiigner’s real life name is Sidney Royel Selby III.

“We actually filmed an Emmy Award-winning documentary on Sidney back when he was 13,” explains Blocks, “What’s weird is he reads and writes beautifully, in fact he’s one of the best writers I’ve ever seen.

The following is an excerpt from Desiigner’s diary at the age of 15:

Oh how soft the sweet wind of night, whose light, airy nature only becometh present when I pray for thee. Oh how kind, the sweet scent of autumn leaves beneath my feet, the all-too-familiar taste of the caramel apple on mine tongue. The stars that shine are nothing compared to the captivatingly crystal blue of your gorgeous eyes. I wish nothing but to stare into the depths of your soul for all eternity, not once blinking. You are my rose, my thorn, and my stem. You are my everything.

 

When asked whether he had anything else to say to the public, Desiigner replied: “yah, drrrrrrrrah, yek yah yek yek yek.”

Here’s a video of the historic moment on TMZ:

http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_hffm68t2

Welcome to the team, guys!

By Cole Henry

ARTS AND SCIENCE BUILDING- Police are on the scene due to a robbery that seems to have been thwarted by a freshman clarinet major, James “Naruto” Thiddlebottom. The scene is rather grisly due to Thiddlebottom slicing the burglar in half with his favorite katana that “never leaves his side.”

“I was cleaning my clarinet and out of the corner of my eye I see a man donning a balaclava mask grabbing a fellow band mate’s laptop. Anyone who knows me knows that I, Naruto Thiddlebottom, stand up for justice. Anyone who breaks the law around me will feel the cold righteousness of my blade! In summation, I cut down the brigand and watched my sword suck up his soul. I felt so powerful.”

Thiddlebottom says that he felt so powerful yet the coroners report shows that it took upwards of 15 slashes to strike down the would be burglar. Thiddlebottom is known in his dormitory for being a rather weak individual with a scrawny stature matching that of Mick Jagger, minus the sex appeal.

“It feels great to dole out such righteous justice! I, one day, hope to be the first samurai sworn into police service in the United States. I have watched countless animes that feature swordplay therefore I have truly mastered the art of the blade.”

Sadly, Thiddlebottom will never see that day due to the fact that the burglar was a fellow classmate who wore the balaclava because it kept his face warm in the cold Missouri winter. Thiddlebottom faces life in prison for the needless taking of life in which he was the prime offender. So we should ask Thomas, as he sits meditating in his cell, are you a samurai or a ronin?

Neither could we.