Local – Page 12 – The Gatekeeper

Silly String CEO unveils new “Serious String”

September 13, 2016September 15, 2016Posted in LocalTagged coral, felt, fresh, new, phresh, stringLeave a comment

By Garrett Dvorkin & David Colton

NEWARK — Breaking news out of the Silly String headquarters this morning. Silly String CEO Jonathan String, known as ‘Johnny S.’ to his employees, revolutionized the string market for the foreseeable future with the unveiling of his company’s newest product. Silly String ltd. has had a strangle hold on the youth string market for decades, and invested millions of dollars to finally break into the adult string market.

The new product which may only be sold to those 18 years or older has many very excited. Karen Baeless, a real life college student from ITT tech was particularly interested. When asked about why he wanted the companies new string he exclaimed, “I loved silly string growing up, but when I turned about 16 I felt ridiculous playing with this children’s toy. This new serious string, whatever it does, will let me play with string again and not feel judged.”

Although no one is particularly sure what the new product does, Silly String’s stock prices surged today. The company opened at 4 cans of silly string per share, shares are now worth around 6 spools of serious string. At the unveiling, CEO String ended his speech “You will tell your children where you were when you first heard about serious string.”

Dungeons club to join forces with Dragons club, forming Social Anxiety Club

September 13, 2016October 2, 2016Posted in LocalTagged basement, felt, fun, milk, milkfeltLeave a comment

By David Colton

ERIC’S STEPDAD’S BASEMENT—In an absolutely unexpected and altogether captivating display of events, the two most underwhelming clubs at Jefferson High met on Wednesday afternoon.

“We really think this decision is for the best,” said Dungeons club president Phillip Wendel, “our guys have been wanting to meet some other people for their entire lives, really.”

The Dungeons club, which is made up of four members, was initially conceived by the mothers of the prestigious club’s four members, who have yet to see the light of day.

The Dragons club, on the other hand, has their own thing going.

“Yeah we usually just sit, drink milk, and discuss dragons,” says Dragons club president Yurt Mooney, “it’s usually pretty lit; that is, lit from the fire of a Chinese Fireball.”

The name “Social Anxiety Club” stems from each of the clubs’ deep-seated love for Percy Jackson & the Olympians fan fiction.

The meeting, which is set to take place around 3:00, is said to “maybe have some snacks, depending on Eric’s mom” and is even rumored to “have like, so much milk.”

I will not be attending this meeting.

Fifth-grader wins fucking medal for knowing what ‘sandbar’ is called

September 6, 2016April 2, 2019Posted in LocalTagged boy, douche, smallLeave a comment

By David Colton

LAKE MICHIGAN – Minds were blown early Thursday morning as local elementary school student and wallball phenom Jake White somehow knew what the little shallow part 40 yards into the lake was called.

“He had to have said it at least five times before we were like, ‘do you want a fucking medal?’” explains Jake’s mother, Heather, “and he said yes, so we got him a medal!”

The White family, which is from Northbrook, IL, says they give little Jake whatever he asks for.

“When he pointed out to us that a Nerf gun could, in fact, shoot 20 feet, we gave him my parents’ retirement fund,” explains Jake’s father Nick.

However, Jake is showing no signs of slowing down his prodigal process, as he continues to tell everyone he sees what a sandbar is called.

Jake, 11, already puts gel in his hair and is the proud owner of a totally sick air soft gun. His interests include: doing tricks on his Razor scooter, watching the new Goosebumps movie starring Jack Black, and yelling at his parents.

Additionally, Jake has apparently kissed a girl on the cheek.

“He told me he did it, so I know it’s real,” expresses Jake’s classmate Jack.

When asked who the lucky girl was, Jake reportedly responded “just some broad,” so we know he’s actually cool.

Babysitter in all-velvet Ed Hardy outfit takes children to Rogers Park

September 6, 2016September 7, 2016Posted in LocalTagged ed hardy, felt, questionable, velvetyLeave a comment

By David Colton

CHICAGO – This past week, suburban parents Gerald & Judith Enron took to Craigslist to find a babysitter, and had no trouble finding someone reputable.

Her name is Natalya, she has dyed black hair, and smells vaguely like a combination of perfume, cigarettes, and Glade car freshener.

“When we saw her craigslist profile, we knew immediately that she was the one,” explains Gerald, “I’m not sure if it was the lower-back tattoo or scotch-taped on nails, but something about her just made me feel safe.”

After about a week of service from Natalya, the Enrons were more than impressed.

“I knew she could be trusted,” states Judith, “the way she takes our kids with her to do her laundry in Rogers Park is just so admirable.”

Natalya, 34, is a freshman at North Side Community College and says she wants to study “hair or makeup, or be a trophy wife.” Natalya says nannying is really just a side project while she finishes her parole term for child endangerment and negligence.

Man who is forced to breathe through an oxygen tank goes on radical underwater journey

September 6, 2016Posted in LocalTagged cool guy, felt, man, radical, sad, sunglasses, swimmersLeave a comment

By David Colton

PACIFIC OCEAN – Local elderly man and potential warlock Ernest Goodrich has struggled with breathing ever since he was diagnosed with solid blood syndrome (SBS), a rare and terrifying condition.

However, Ernest is making the most out of his SBS-riddled life.

“They gave me this oxygen tank, and put it through my nose and stuff,” says Goodrich, 75, “honestly that’s what inspired me to go on a sick aquatic journey in the first place.”

Goodrich has always had a passion for the water, as he used to be an ‘enhanced interrogator’ for the United States Government.

“Having that job really opened my eyes to what kind of awesome shit you’d be able to do if you could breathe underwater,” explains Goodrich, “and next thing you know—bam! My blood turns solid.”

Goodrich, who is somehow still alive, was given an oxygen tank to assist his breathing, although his doctor was quoted as saying “That’s not going to help you at all.”

Goodrich has continued to reiterate how radical it would be if he took his oxygen tank into the ocean, and is standing curiously close to the edge of the water.

“I mean, think about it dude, there’s enough oxygen in here for like, a year,” points out Goodrich, “I could grow gills and join a family of fish.”

As Goodrich readies himself for the perils of the deep-sea pacific ocean, he has continued to focus on the positives to his SBS.

“Honestly, I’ll probably sink a lot faster in the water, so that’ll work to my advantage. I just can’t wait to see the Titanic!” continued Goodrich, who knows less and less about what’s going on as each minute passes.

UPDATE: Goodrich has not been alive for three years. Who is this man?

Guy with man bun and beard definitely wears jeans even when it’s hot out

September 6, 2016Posted in LocalTagged coffee, cuffed jeans, hair, man, neutral milk hotel, pantsLeave a comment

By David Colton

ROSE MUSIC HALL – Sources this week confirmed that one guy you saw at the Joy Division cover band’s show has little to no feeling in his legs, and is unopposed to wearing jeans outside in mid-August.

The man, whose man-bun and beard are both clear indicators of someone who still listens to Hozier, had a few choice words about the allegations:

“Nah, man, jeans? Do they still make those?” said the guy, taking drags of 3 different blends of American Spirits at the same time, “Oh, you’re talking about these privileged leg wraps? No, these aren’t denim.”

The man, who lost all feeling in his legs after a run-in with a typewriter (for some reason) says he doesn’t like to discriminate against “leg wraps.”

“Yeah, at this point, I don’t really like to hate on any one kind of leg wrap, just because there are so many,” explains the guy, “You’ve got everything from beige half-legs to waist-high socks, or a personal favorite of mine, the tunic.”

After declining to explain his comments on the nature of his coffee-shop-junkie look several times, the guy was spotted in the front row at the opener for the opener for Neutral Milk Hotel, and yes, he was wearing jeans.