Category: Local

The Next Gottlob Frege? Robbie Just Completed One Side of a Rubik’s Cube

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By Gill Hurtig

EAST LANSING, MI – Robbie Daniels, fourth grader at Glencairn Elementary school was a middle-of-the-pack student, underwhelming in the eyes of the girls in his class, and an all-around forgettable personality.

But all of that changed when Robbie brought his Rubix cube to school last Tuesday.

Against all odds, Robbie completed the blue side of the coveted puzzle cube in front of his classmates at show-and-tell. The event lasted a show-and-tell record 46 minutes while Robbie shaped and reshaped his cube at the front of the room—but all was worthwhile in the end. Robbie, who has received numerous requests from peers to finish a side for them, has since whittled down that time to 31 minutes and has garnered a deep respect from both teachers and classmates alike.

When asked to comment, Robbie explained: “Pick any color. I can do any of the colors.”

An updated story says that Robbie can now complete one whole side and also get the middle stripe of a second side. Needless to say, the world can expect big things from Robbie Daniels.

Room Cleaned in Preparation for Professional Cleaners

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By David Colton

WILMETTE, IL — Sharon Honks didn’t think she’d have to ask her son more than three times to clean his room.

Herb the cleaning man only comes twice a week, and today was one of those fateful days.

Yet, when Sharon Honks ventured upstairs to check the progress on little Keith’s room-cleaning venture, she was disappointed to find that he had not, in fact, begun the process at all.

“Keith! I told you to put your clothes away last night, you little shit,” said Sharon Honks, who works 60 hours per week while her husband freelance paints. “Herb will be here at 7:30, but you know he likes to get here by 6:45.”

Upon being jolted awake by his mother’s booming voice, Keith scrambled out of bed and over to his dresser, but not before absolutely smoking his pinky toe on the sharp corner of his bed frame.

Keith let out a loud expletive, and his mother a vocal refrain telling him to watch his fucking mouth.

By the time Herb arrived at 6:45, Keith had effectively swept all of the items on top of his incredibly cluttered dresser into the top drawer.

How to Talk Dirty Without Transitioning into Your Customer Service Voice

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

Working long hours behind a cash register or stocking produce can have a detrimental effect on your sex life, there’s no denying it.

Who can blame you for wanting to go right to sleep after eleven straight hours of being on your feet and dealing with the petty complaints of everyone who’s never worked in the service industry and doesn’t see you as the living, breathing, fucking human being that you are.

Too tired to get in the mood? Have you and your partner(s) experiment with a little bit of dirty talk.

Used as a method for spicing things up in the bedroom for countless people all around the world, dirty talk can be a fun and sexy way to wash away the memories of polishing silverware and pretending to care that Susanne’s chicken was underdone.

While dirty talk can be an excellent way to initiate a sensual evening, it can be hard to fully shift your attention to verbal foreplay after an exhausting double shift.

In order to avoid accidentally shifting into your customer service and forcing both you and your partner to imagine your lovemaking taking place at a regional fast-casual restaurant chain, here are three tips to ensure your dirty talk is as sexy and service-voice free:

Avoid listing off the evening’s specials to your partner before anything physical has happened

While it might be fun and sexy to surprise them with something new and exciting, try not to read the daily specials and everything they entail from a tiny notepad right as the two of you sit down. Your partner will inevitably say “oh, that sounds good” and go on to get the usual.

Remember that you care about this person, unlike everyone you have ever served at your job

Your partner is not some mouth-breathing patron expecting you to go out of your way to remake the dish they just ate most of. They care about you and will most likely not send anything back.

Avoid commenting on your partners lack of non-slip footwear

While non-slip shoes are an essential part of fast service and this, succeeding in the industry, they do not make for a sexy evening at home. Trade those bulky croc-like monstrosities in for something you know your partner will love, like fuzzy socks or those shoes that have toes.

These tips should have you forgetting about your customer service-related job and loving every intimate moment with your partner. Try them tonight!

Cold Water Hurts Teeth

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By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — Before he went to bad last night, Terry Lard poured himself a nice, big glass of ice water.

Of course, he was conked out by 10:30, and his wife Linda had her own glass of water on her side of the bed.

Over the course of the evening, Terry didn’t take a single sip of the big water next to his bed — even by the time he arrived at work the next morning, Terry was a thirsty man.

So, as is standard procedure at his State Farm Regional office, Terry beelined for the water cooler as soon as he got to the office.

“I knew it was cold from the outside of the cup,” said Terry Lard, amateur falconry expert, “but I had no idea what I was getting myself into.”

Terry said that upon impact, his teeth felt like ice cubes against his gums. He said the feeling is usually unprecedented, with one exception:

“The only time I’ve felt this type of tooth pain before was when I drank that Coors in Mark’s sauna,” said Terry, “The mountains on the can were blue.”

For Terry, the temperature of the water cooler is something he will have to deal with for the rest of his days at State Farm — at least, until Susan from HR responds to his numerous complaints.

Forever Yogurt Nevermore

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By Barney Yorken-Gurter

BOSTON – Eons ago, my father Bertram Yorken-Gurter scraped together enough of his savings to open the first frozen yogurt stand the world had ever seen. Through sheer gumption, Poppa built that humble stand into the dessert empire we now know as Forever Yogurt.

Today, the world mourns as the final living semblance of his existence shutters its doors. It is with a heavy heart that I announce the closing of the Forever Yogurt on the corner of Jackson and Main in Beacon Hill.

Despite there being over 2,400 Forever Yogurt locations across the country, Poppa always loved the Beacon Hill location. It was where he proposed to Grammy in 1932 and where I was born 4 years later. I’ll never forget looking through photo albums with Pop and seeing the doctor weigh me on the cash register scale and take my handprint in butterscotch topping.

I spoke with some of my poppa’s first customers in an effort to understand the sorrow this whole nation is currently undertaking. The first person I found was an old Zeppelin insurance salesman who sold Pop his first Zepp.

“I remember when my pappy took me to try the inital 30 toppings they released in conjunction with the first few flavors,” Lerman Trunks, 98, told me. “I couldn’t decide for the life of me between Lead Paint and Cocaine.”

Well, Lerman, neither could my Poppy. In all his years concocting silky smooth dairy product, he never departed from the original two flavors — which he conceived high out of his mind in his lead-lined workshop.

In the end, it was the Asbestos that got him. And the lead paint. And the cocaine. You know, now that I’m thinking about it, he sure seemed to drink a lot of paint thinner for a guy who never painted a day in his life. Regardless, we’ll miss you, Pop. Almost as much as the Forever Yogurt on the corner of Jackson and Main.

Ghost of Late Father Sticking Around to Remind Family to Turn the Lights Off

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By Grace Bahler

PROVIDENCE—When local man Rick Haverson, age 52, passed away on Wednesday, his family was shocked to find his ghost roaming around the house. His screams echoed through the halls, but not like, for love or anything. TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS OFF! TURN ‘EM OFF!

“He was always so good about the electricity bill,” his wife, Mary Haverson said in between sobs. “It’s only fitting that he still cares.”

It was Rick’s favorite pastime, caring so much about the lights.

“It sort of made up for him never doing the dishes, or cooking, or cleaning before my parents came to town, or walking the dog, or driving the kids to school, you know,” Mary said.

Though Haverson’s two children, Emma and Daniel don’t feel quite as sentimental toward their late father’s tendencies.

“We literally can’t go to the washroom or step out of the living room for a snack without his ghost barging in through a wall and yelling,” Emma said. “At least when he was alive he had to walk through a door.”

Daniel shuddered as he seemed to recall an encounter with his father’s ghost.

“I was watching a movie and just went to answer the door real quick,” Daniel said. “And when I got back, he was flicking the lights on and off and asking me how he thought it would affect the electric bill. But he’s like, totally cool with us leaving the TV on all day?”

Rick’s yelling started to impact the family’s sleep and health, so now they have compromised and live in complete darkness.

Desperate Man Keeps Spilling Coffee on Women in Hopes of a Meet-Cute

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By Grace Bahler

ST. LOUIS—After watching Notting Hill last Thursday night, local man Dennis Arcado has spilled coffee on approximately 23 women in hopes of a meet-cute.

When Arcado saw how well this worked for Hugh Grant, he first considered trying a British accent—until he realized he could support local coffee shops in the process.

All he wanted was someone to realize they enjoy scalding hot coffee on their skin and that he could be the love of their life. However, women in the area have reported how Arcado’s plan disastrously panned out.

“I was waiting for the bus,” Lauren Pecoe, area woman said. “All of the sudden, this man comes up to me, stares at me for a few seconds, and then just tosses his coffee onto me.”

Pecoe later stated that had Arcado poured the coffee more tastefully, she might have considered giving him her number.

“It was just so awkward,” Pecoe said. “Like, if you’re gonna pour coffee on me and make me fall in love with you, make it look natural. The way Dennis did it, he didn’t stand a chance.”

Another woman, Jenny Wells, simply didn’t think St. Louis was the right place for him to pull such a move.

“Maybe it would fly if this was New York or something,” Wells said. “Or London. Oh
yeah, if he had, like, a British accent. Maybe then.”

At this time, Arcado has not given up on love, but he is banned from any cafe within a 25-mile radius of the city.