Category: National

10 Vegan Recipes to Cook on Your Scorching-Hot Macbook Charger

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

Summer is officially here! That means swimming, tanning, and sand when you wipe! If you’re anything like me, you’re probably looking for vegan-friendly summer recipes that are easy to make and won’t break your beach bod diet!

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of seeing so-called “easy” one-pot recipes that require loads of special kitchen equipment. After brushing my arm against my white-hot Macbook charger and singeing all my hair off, inspiration struck.

Why bother with a finicky stove or a crusty crockpot when the good people at apple have included a high-powered heating element directly into your now-obsolete computer? Why waste your time waiting for your oven to preheat when your charger is instantly searing hot from the moment you plug it in?

Gather your veggies, marinade your seitan, and plug in your computer because the following recipes are easy, healthy, tasty, and can all be prepared on your piping hot ‘puter plug.

1. Cashew Cheese & Vegan Bacon Impossible Burger

This meat-masquerading marvel is a perfect easy meal. The burgers must be seared on high head until cooked thoroughly. Good thing your Macbook charger and the accompanying exposed wires are painfully hot to the touch.

2. Summer Squash Summer Salad

This vegan delight doesn’t require a heating element because all the ingredients are perfect just the way you are. Unfortunately, you put your fresh arugula down next to your computer charger and the ambient heat emanating off of it burnt your greens to a crisp.

3. Soy Chicken “Caesar” Salad

Cook your soy chicken through completely in under five seconds as your laptop charger glows red and hisses violently. Don’t forget about the croutons! Remember to let them toast for no more than 90 seconds or they will burst into flame.

4. Sofritas Scramble

Cook this scrumptious scramble in seconds after giving your charger seven seconds to fully heat up. When you’re done, try a 30-minute glass blowing lesson powered by the inferno emitted by your powercord.

5. Take Up Welding

Don’t let all that heat go to waste! Power a small, vegan, self-contained welding machine and don’t forget to keep those goggles on in case the arc voltage is too high when you’re bare metal-arc welding a base metal to a welding rod. Remember to practice your welding terminology! There will be a quiz.

6. Harness the Power Of Flight

All these recipes are nice and everything but why waste the unbelievable heating source in your back pocket? Use your charging cable to fill a large (vegan) balloon with hot air and take to the sky. Be back in 80 days!

7. Develop a Vegan Nuclear Power Turbine

Use that heat for good! Harnessing the heat from your charger, turn water into steam into energy into amazing HBO Miniseries’! What’s the worst that could happen?

8. Frack Every Last Drop of Natural Gas From Appalachia*

Plug your Macbook charger in to your state-of-the-art hydraulic drill and use the heat to crack through a layer of shale to release that sweet, sweet, natural gas. Pay no attention to local community members as they beg you to stop drilling due to the horrific ecological ramifications and longterm health risks. You’re gonna be rich!

*This is the only recipe that is not completely vegan. Although natural gas does come straight from the earth, it is derived from the remains of hundreds of thousands of extinct marine life that has been broken down underground for millions of years. It has also been processed in a facility that also processes peanuts, wheat, and soy.

9. Harness the Power of the Sun

Your computer can withstand the heat from your charger, meaning that it should be able to safely absorb the heat from the sun, a slightly cooler source-of-all-life that powers our world as we know it. Pick up a cheap 93,000,000 mile extension cord on Amazon and charge all your accessories in a blink of an eye. Talk about solar power!

10. Vegan Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Boil water in seconds and cook your pasta in under a minute as you cook this deliciously creamy, rich plant-based pasta dish. Don’t forget to add nutritional yeast for that extra cheesy flavor and wear protective eye gear when looking directly at your red-hot Macbook charger. The radiation can sear your corneas in seconds!

Study Finds Buffet Eggs 80% Water

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

EMBASSY SUITES AT OMAHA INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT – Shocking even the most seasoned continental breakfast veterans, a new study published late Friday by the American Breakfast Association in conjunction with the United Nations’ Buffet Coalition has revealed that the average serving of eggs from any given buffet contains no less than 80% stinky, cloudy water.

The report surveyed nine thousand breakfast buffets across the nation over 3 years in an effort to once and for all quantify the exact proportion of rubbery, somehow sour eggs to the milky shell consommé that had eluded researchers for so long.

“We tried to do this study back in the late nineties, but the technology just hadn’t caught up,” researcher Gordon Phulp told Gatekeeper reporters. “It finally came to fruition after our lab invented a process that allowed us to safely handle these buffet eggs without gagging just a little bit.”

Although most were pleased with this new knowledge, a small group of particularly vocal buffet egg enthusiasts have refused to accept the results of the study as a valid representation of their experiences.

“The whole thing is completely wrong,” buffet aficionado Gerald Peece said.” I asked for eggs at an Embassy Suites by the airport and I got three pieces of scrambled eggs floating in a nightmare broth that smelled like a sulfur flavored La Croix.”

Environmental activists have since mobilized in order to educate the public on the wasteful practices brought to light by the report. Groups like “Green Eggs and Harm” and “Eggvironment” have taken to the streets to provide the public with alternative uses for leftover egg water to ensure it does not go to waste.

“A lot of people don’t know that egg water is incredibly nutrient-dense” Egg activist Iris Plormps lied. “Instead of throwing that water out, we could be baptizing children or supplying water for the community pool. It sickens me to see so many perfectly good resources go to waste.”

Since being released to the public late Friday afternoon, Embassy Suites stock has dropped 8%.

Dad Announced as Commencement Speaker for Homeschool Graduation

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

Surprising the entire faculty and student body alike, the office of the Dean of the Homeschool has announced that Dad will be this year’s highly coveted commencement speaker at the ceremony on May 11.

This decision to select Dad follows The office of the Dean of the Homeschool’s controversial selection of Aunt Linda last year, who chugged a bottle of bourbon in between exchanging platitudes with the graduation class of one.

Known for his horrendous karaoke versions of Beatles songs and thin temper when nobody can decide where to go out to eat, Dad is expected to discuss success, failure, the beauty of knowledge, and almost certainly walk out onstage to a Black Eyed Peas Song someone in his office told him was still relevant.

When asked if he was excited to be the commencement speaker, Dad could barely contain himself.

“Oh, I can’t wait,” Dad said. “I’ll have to dust off my old cap and gown and maybe get a haircut. You know? I might actually get all of them cut.”

Dad is expected to speak at 2 pm in the living room on May 11.

Google Maps Update Now Sends Rude Relatives to Wrong Address Hours Away

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By Grace Bahler

MOUNTAIN VIEW—Google’s headquarters just made a huge announcement that will
likely push their Maps application to the top of an online tech magazine that publishes
tons of listicles. During a press conference on Monday, April 29, CEO Sundar Pichai
revealed that Google Maps will now feature a setting that sends rude relatives to a
wrong address hours away.

“We hope this helps families out in those tough times, like organizing a birthday
celebration or any holiday, ever,” Pichai said in a statement. “This addition will likely
prevent conflict as well as the need to pretend you like a gift your weird aunt got you.”

When asked if the feature was for relatives only, Pichai encouraged its use outside of
the home. Adding that it would be great for planning friend-group events but not having
to attend, or sending the office creep away, Google fully endorses their new Google
Maps for any setting.

“I want Google Maps to be the device that combines what the tech industry has been
working towards for years,” Pichai said. “And that is directions and avoidance of any
confrontation whatsoever. You can still invite people you hate over, but you can feel
good about it.”

Many reporters in the room were so enthused by this announcement that they
immediately texted family members, friends, and co-workers their new addresses—and
an invitation to come over for dinner.

As of now, the tech company is working on adding a new tagline to Google Maps: We
Get You There, and Now We Send Them Across State Lines.

Study Finds In-Flight Entertainment Far More Interesting on Screen in Front of You

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

ROW 32 – Struggling to fully commit to Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, social scientist Dominic Atkinson conducted a thorough study of airline passengers and their in-flight entertainment preferences late Tuesday night.

After extensive interviews with the flight crew and over 13 hours of participant observation, Atkinson concluded that the majority of passengers preferred to covertly watch the screen of the person in front of them, regardless of what was playing on their own personal screen. 

“This doesn’t surprise me at all,” Atkinson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Why would anybody want to watch a movie of their choice when they could strain themselves to watch A Dog’s Purpose with no sound and half the screen obstructed? It’s a no brainer.”

Atkinson’s study went on to clarify that passengers pay the most attention to their own screens after being served meals due in part to the restrictions that a hot aluminum tin of in-flight shrimp scampi have on the human body’s ability to exert any amount of energy.

The study is currently under peer review by Greg, the man sitting in seat 32E, who is currently encroaching on Atkinson’s highly-coveted elbow room.

Oh Shit: Good Charlotte Just Tweeted Proof That Good Friday Was Named After Them

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By David Colton

WALDORF, MD — We all knew this day was coming.

Good Charlotte has finally come out and said what people have been saying for years. After years of vicious denial by the Christian Church, which is already amid scandals aplenty, it appears no choice remains but to publicly acknowledge the truth.

“Now that Benji, Joel, Billy and Paul have thrust the church into the spotlight and exposed them, I can tell the world is ready for a new breed of religion,” said Purman Stove, Good Charlotte fan and unpublished author of several teen romance novels.

The pop punk band was initially popular in the early 2000s, which is said to be when the idea of a national holiday to celebrate Good Charlotte originally began circulating.

Even though this is arguably the most well-known public rumor to circulate in the last two decades, the band did us all the favor of tweeting proof to go along with the stunning revelation.

The band will put out 3 18-song albums this weekend, one for every day Benji overslept and missed rehearsal.

 Of course, on the third day, he makes it to rehearsal on time and the boys are ready for another gig.

Super Weird Study Finds Mucinex Man Kind of Cute

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ATLANTA – Illuminating where taxpayer dollars actually go, an incredibly weird government-funded study has found the Mucinex monster kind of cute.

In a truly bizarre 174-page document compiled by officials at the CDC in Atlanta, researchers have officially declared Mr. Mucus, the face of Mucinex’s popular antihistamine advertisements, to be “at least a seven.”

“We are completely unsure why we conducted this study,” head researcher Dr. Lloyd Shangles said. “Thanks to a generous private donation from Ted Cruz in addition to a currently unknown amount of taxpayer dollars, we were able to pour way too much time into this.

The entire report has yet to be released to the general public, but many confused Mucinex patrons have expressed concern for what the full report might disclose.

“Yeah, it was starting to get really intense before everything was redacted,” an anonymous source said. “I live in constant fear that this fucking batshit report is going to describe the Mucinex monster’s horrific body in more detail than it already has. Please, make it stop.”

The full report is expected to be available soon solely via the Barnes & Noble Nook in-line store.

God help us all.

Beto O’Rourke Didn’t See You at His Gig Last Night

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By David Colton

RANDY’S TAVERN — Even after delaying his set by 25 minutes and stopping the show several times in between Elliott Smith covers, Beto said after the show he was “like, majorly bummed” he didn’t see you in the crowd.

O’Rourke, who recently declared his candidacy for president, is best known for doing a poor job of riding a skateboard around a Whataburger parking lot in dress clothes.

None of this changes the fact that he planned a very specific set list because he thought you’d actually give a shit enough to show.

“What? You think I just decided to play mostly originals for no reason?” said Beto, who has never actually written any of his own songs.

“I un-learned six Phish songs for you.”

Although it is not clear why the former non-senator had to unlearn songs to include originals in his set, we figured we’d be better off just staying out of his way and let him sing other people’s songs.

“I’m not sure where we’ll be at for our next show, but I’m also not sure I want to tell you anymore,” Beto said, taking a long drag of his hand-rolled cigarette.

“I mean, what would be the point? You clearly don’t even think about me ever.”

Beto has threatened to suspend his presidential campaign to work on his latest mixtape for you, but probably won’t until you stop responding to his texts.