Category: National

By David Colton

NORTHBROOK—A mother frustrated. A waiter tapping his pen. A father on his phone. A chaotic scene, with a cause more sinister than it appears.

10-year old Billy Stooble hadn’t eaten all day—at least, not since his breakfast of plain Eggos and Yogurt. But he’d pranced around the soccer pitch all day; he deserved to feast like a true champion.

He had specifically requested Giovanni Randazzo’s Italian Bistro, because it’s well known that Gio’s has the best mac n cheese and root beer—but what Gaylord and Helena Stooble didn’t see coming was the worst possible pre-meal preparation: a sliced baguette and a little basket of plastic butter containers.

“It was like the waiter had just set down the most valuable jewel in the Realm, and if he was the top Jewel Seeker,” said Dr. Mulligan Snots, who was seen devouring a calzone nearby.

Against his parents’ warning, the young Stooble snatched up nearly seven pieces of the sliced baguette, leaving only the “butt” and, of course, all of the “gross brown bread” for his four-year old sister.

“Yeah, that was a real ballsy move,” said Gaylord Stooble, Billy’s father, “I did not expect him to fuck Sarah over like that—I mean… that shit was cold.”

By the time the waiter returned to take the family’s order, Billy was already halfway through his second bread refill, and yet did not hesitate to be the first to blurt out his order, demanding pasta and French fries.

Helena tried to stop him, but the damage Billy had inflicted was already done—the waiter had moved on to her husband.

“Oh, I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat all of that right then. Are you kidding me? Mac n Cheese and French fries? That’s a ridiculous amount of food. But, I like to challenge myself, and I play to win,” said Billy, who would eventually fall asleep in the car ride home.

According to Dr. Snots, it was apparent that Billy drank two full glasses of root beer using the straw, in addition to devouring eight to ten pieces of bread and six plastic butter containers, whose woeful demise was scattered across the red and white-checked tablecloth.

“That kid had no chance,” said Dr. Snots, “and trust me, this is a situation I’m familiar with in my profession. There was no way that bread was making it past the 15-minute mark.”

By the end of the night, Billy had eaten two full baguettes, two French fries and one bite of Mac n Cheese. The rest of the exquisite dish was allocated to a Styrofoam container, where it will eventually be forgotten in the back of the Stooble fridge, only to be eventually consumed by Gaylord.