Category: National

Outraged Joe Biden Threatens to Kick Own Ass in Locker Room

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By David Colton

DEKALB YMCA — Following a tumultuous week leading up to a potential announcement about his candidacy for president, former Vice President Joe Biden decided that Monday after school he’d teach himself a lesson.

The former VP famously threatened to “beat the hell” out of President Trump for the president’s politically inconsequential ‘grab her by the pussy’ comment, and said he is threatening self-inflicted violence in order to hold himself to the same standard.

“I just hope the American voter base holds me to the same standard they hold the President by voting for me anyway,” said Biden, who hired “octagon girls” for the interpersonal battle.

Now, Biden, contemplating a presidential run, is under fire for really fucking weird behavior toward a former Nevada legislator, also happens to be an outspoken supporter of It’s On Us, where he is said to have recently introduced controversial shampoo-oriented curriculum.

He said he won’t hold back against himself this afternoon, when he plans to corner Joe after weekly badminton practice.

“I think the American people deserve a president who doesn’t compromise on something like this,” said Biden, who has recently spoken about systemic racism but also spoke in favor of segregation in 1975.

Time to Take a Stand: I’m Sick of My Body Wash Calling Me a “Gel Douche”

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By David Colton

THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.

Well, this is it.

After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.

No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.

I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.

I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.

I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.

There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’

I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.

Report Finds Nation’s Edible Consumers Not Feeling Anything Yet

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

DENVER – Insisting that the previous dose could not possibly be high enough, a new study has revealed that the Nation’s edible consumers are still not feeling anything yet.

According to the report, these stupid chocolates were supposed to kick in like, 30 minutes ago. In order to combat the delayed psychoactive results, consumers are advised to just go ahead and eat the rest of them.

“It’s only weed, right? What could go wrong?” Every single edible consumer asked before downing the rest of the included doses and even weirdly licking the package, as if that would help.

The report goes on to detail different activities to do while you wait such as completely forgetting about the edibles and diving head first into a political debate with your uncle.

The Nation’s edible consumers went on to amend the report by insisting that they be taken to the hospital immediately, citing the feeling of their heartbeat in their eyelids, genuinely forgetting that inhaling is a vital component of breathing, and their sudden tolerance for the 2007 smash hit “Waterhouse: Legend of the Deep.”

Shen Yun Announces Residency Fucking Everywhere

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By David Colton

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND — Succumbing to decades of demand in the American Chinese dance performance art market, members of the Falun Gong new religious movement announced a comprehensive residency plan for Shen Yun Saturday.

“We’re spreading this shit like the black plague, baby,” said Trevor Donovan, the 20-year-old dropout who runs social media for Shen Yun and the Chinese government.

“Shen Yun is exactly what the American people need at a time like this.”

It remains unclear if Trevor actually knows what the services are, even after six hours of cross-examination by Gatekeeper reporters.

“You’re gonna see us on every block, in every building, in every business, every house, every apartment, every room… you get it,” said Trevor, who applied for the job through a random LinkedIn connection.

Although it’s not clear why Shen Yun is spreading its dance wings so wide, one thing holds true: The number one related search for the service is still “Communist Party of China.”

“Hey man, that’s what we call SEO optimization,” said Trevor, speaking from his buddy’s couch, “Yo, can I hit that?”

Despite attempts to reach someone higher up in the organization, Trevor seemed to be the only physical person I could find who would outwardly affiliate themselves with Shen Yun.

Except for all those people in the parade, of course. Wait a second, why is the parade coming from both directions?

My god. It’s happening.

Johnson & Johnson Announce Addition of Coveted Third Johnson

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ – Squashing rumors that their days of innovative thinking are over, a spokesperson for Johnson & Johnson has announced that the family company will be phasing in a third Johnson in 2020.

Expected to boost baby shampoo sales and literally nothing else, the addition of a third Johnson comes at a pivotal time for Johnson & Johnson. After last year’s disastrous baby powder sales numbers, CEO Johnson Johnson searched for a much-needed change.

“At first we thought about getting rid of a Johnson,” Johnson told Gatekeeper reporters. “Ultimately, we decided to add a third Johnson in an effort to boost sales. Will it work? Who knows, but I’m willing to bet people will love a third Johnson in their lives.”

At this time, Johnson has not ruled out the possibility of adding yet another Johnson to the signature red Johnson & Johnson & Johnson logo in the future.

Man in Cloak Commences Annual ‘Tournament of Madness’

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By David Colton

DES MOINES, IA — The party room in the back corner of Bowlerama was rented out for the third and final time Thursday afternoon as local scoundrel Björbis van Snood began preparations for his fourth annual Tournament of Madness.

“Prepare yourselves, for it is I! Björbis the scoundrel, arrived once more to shepherd and extract your worst fears and most twisted nightmares in the name of advertising!” van Snood said, speaking to a small crowd comprised mainly of confused seniors and leftover kids from the 3 o’clock birthday party.

Although all the flyers say this is the competition’s third year, there seems to be little evidence to suggest anyone has ever seen or met this man, let alone agreed to participate in anything called the ‘Tournament of Madness.’

“People ask me ‘Björbis, how do you juggle all of this? I mean, you’re the curator of a massively successful tournament, you harvest your own dark yeast and you’re putting four kids through college?’” van Snood said, “I tell them ‘Hey, if Johnny Depp can do it, I can do it.’”

As patrons slowly began trickling out of the bowling alley, van Snood made it clear he and his giant interactive presentation weren’t going anywhere.

“This is just the beginning for you plebian fools,” said van Snood, standing in line to return his little bowling shoes, “Come on, guys. You have no idea what kind of effort I put into this setup. The winner gets a Dave ‘n Busters gift card!

Seriously, I have this room rented out for like, six more hours.”

John Bolton Unmasked As Rogue Jeff Foxworthy

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By David Colton

WASHINGTON — It turns out the National Security Adviser of the United States is not, in fact, smarter than a fifth grader.

“I know John, John is a good guy,” said President Donald Trump, enjoying a dinner of goldfish and fruit snacks. “Jeff is a good guy, you know, he’s a good guy. That’s what I said. Jeff is a good guy. That’s why I hired him in the first place, for that job.”

It appears the President is attempting to pass off the situation as if he hired former Golden Corral spokesman Jeff Foxworthy for the prestigious White House position on purpose.

“Well, you know, this whole thang is just a big ole doozy,” said Foxworthy, who had previously given no reason for appointing 12 charismatic ten-year-olds as National Security Aides.

“I just think we should all kick back, drink a couple mimosas and throw on some Tucker.”

It really seems like nobody is going to do anything about Jeff Foxworthy working in the White House.

“I think he’s a good guy, you know. He’s got a ton of experience with children, and I hear he works especially well with Hispanics,” said President Trump, sitting in an adult-sized high chair five inches from the television screen.

Jeff Foxworthy will resume talks with North Korea Monday as his “true self.” He said he plans to treat North Korean official Kim Yong Chol to a dinner of Ruby Tuesday’s, with dessert in the candy aisle of the neighboring Big Lots!

Tonsils Put Back In

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

PHILADELPHIA – Controversial surgeon Dr. Tobias L. Hartford announced the success of his latest surgical endeavor late Wednesday night. Hartford, a longtime ENT, revealed that he had conducted the first successful reverse tonsillectomy in human history.

“I just wanted to see if I could do it,” Dr. Hartford said. “The patient had them removed a couple years ago in an effort to minimize infection. When that didn’t work, we figured we may as well put them back in.”

The successful surgery has encouraged Hartford to make plans to put tonsils back into a variety of his patients. Some plans involve putting multiple sets of tonsils into one patient, for no apparent reason.

This surgery marks the latest success in Hartford’s experimental medical history, with past ventures including fingernail reversal and forehead augmentation.

Sport Clips Unveils New Slogan “Women Are Inferior”

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By David Colton

CHESTERFIELD, MO — ESPN Classic played on the TV and his ears were filled with Daughtry as Aiden O’Connor sat down for his sixteenth consecutive haircut at Sport Clips.

“I just thought the whole hair store was so cool,” said O’Connor, whose locks were cut using teal safety scissors, “plus they clearly display their views on women, which really sold me.”

Aiden’s first visit to Sport Clips was no coincidence, as it comes right on the heels of the debut of the company’s new slogan.

The slogan is finally being changed from the long-celebrated “It’s good to be a guy.”

Yes, that is the actual slogan. Look it up. Right now.

Chet Strafe, self-proclaimed founder & CEO of men’s hair and also Sport Clips, said he doesn’t get what all the fuss is about.

“Look. Look at me. Look. At. Me. Let me tell you something. I invented men’s hair,” Chet said in a series of Tik Tok videos sent from his personal TopGolf Suite.

“And for that reason, there is nobody — nobody— that understands women more than me, Strafe said.

“I mean, bro, can I be serious? I want to be serious for a second. Can I be serious? I ask women all the time if they know who started this whole ‘men’s hair’ thing. Every single time, I kid you not, they mention something about my TopGolf suite.”

Sport Clips also announced Tuesday that it will no longer be hiring female employees, a move that Chet says will allow for a long-planned uptick in unprecedented pornography screenings.

UPDATE: Since debuting the new slogan, Sport Clips Inc. has acquired both GameStop and Skechers.

Raggedy Ann Loses Inheritance To Sister Put-Together Ann

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By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA—Annabelle B. Raggedy was greeted with a barrage of camera flashes as she made her way through the small crowd gathered outside the Scott County Courthouse.

The famed stuffed-doll-turned-entrepreneur has spent the last six years in a devastating legal battle with none other than her younger sister, Andrea Burroughs — better known as Put-Together Ann.

In 2012, the pair lost their father, Don Raggedy, to stitching complications. His will was a complicated affair, considering his multiple relationships with different women and stuffed decorations.

Things turned sour quickly, as Andrea unleashed what Raggedy Ann called “The culmination of years of feeling inadequate.”

“She thinks she’s entitled to everything,” said Raggedy Ann, whose limp figure was being gnawed at by a small dog. “Ever since she changed her last name and started watching Joel Osteen, things just haven’t been the same.”

For Andrea, the legal battle has been somewhat of a dream come true.

“In terms of legal expenses, we knew we just had to wait her out,” said Burroughs, who made the majority of her profit from an app that tags and displays homeless people in the area, so they can be avoided.

“We knew there was just no way she could keep coasting off of that initial burst of revenue from the 1915 launch,” Burroughs said.

Now, Raggedy Ann is finally fulfilling the destiny of her well-known moniker.

“I’ve lost… everything.”