National – Page 6 – The Gatekeeper

Donald Trump Accuses Hillary Clinton of Voter Fraud

November 8, 2016Posted in National, UncategorizedTagged clinton, election, hillary, mizzou, satire, trumpLeave a comment

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – In early election news this morning, Donald Trump kicked off the big day by formally accusing Hillary Clinton of voter fraud.

“I would like to start this off by saying that I have made many, many, deals with many, many, wise guys,” explained Trump, “and we’ve seen Hillary lie many, many, times about many, many things.”

Despite her presidential candidacy being from the opposite political party, Trump continued to insist that Clinton stuffed the ballots in his favor.

“Hillary has been the absolute worst president ever, and she founded ISIS with flying colors,” explained Rick Smith, Trump supporter and questionable high school graduate, “this is worse than the gays trying to get abortions.”

Trump, who has yet to vote himself, says he plans to spend his day watching the polls through a secret camera he set up in the ceiling of a polling center.

“This is a very, very good camera that captures videos very well,” explains Trump, for some reason, “I’ve had very, very many meetings with very, very many cameras and they’ve all been tremendous.”

No information was gained from this interview.

Donald Trump’s 5 Most Controversial Stances

October 19, 2016Posted in Local, National, SocialTagged china, felt, funny, political, satire, stances, trumpLeave a comment

By David Colton and Peter Leipold

#1: The “Raise the Roof”

When you only wear the top half of your suit to the toilet.

#2: The “Phallic Measurement”

I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

#3: The “Wise Guy”

“Our wall will be built with coal and tears.”

#4: The “Try Not to Look Like Hitler”

#5: The ” This is Where My Brain is”

He’s already learning at a fifth grade level!

It’s about time: White vans now have to print what kind of candy they have on their side door

October 19, 2016October 19, 2016Posted in Local, NationalTagged candy, funny, mizzou, pedophiles, vans, whiteLeave a comment

1334x876.jpeg.jpg — Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

INDIANA – After a decade-long legal battle with the White Van Coalition, Indiana legislature finally signed into effect a law that requires all owners of White Vans to print what tasty treats lie inside.

“We just figured it wasn’t fair,” explains Indiana senator Flenderman Pinks, “if someone says they have candy in their van, we want to make sure they’re not just talking about Twizzlers or some shit.”

The law, which passed by an overwhelming majority in the Indiana Senate, will go into effect just before Halloween.

“I honestly think it’s straight up bullshit,” explains white van owner and questionable source Dennis Throbb, “we should be allowed to leave some room for interpretation.”

The law first came to the forefront of Indiana politics after a mother wrote a letter to the Senate complaining about candy types. The Gatekeeper has obtained an exclusive excerpt from this letter:

… My son was offered candy by a seemingly personable man who was wearing a wife-beater and acid wash jeans; pretty standard stuff. Obviously, I agreed to let Jimmy go get some (I mean, who doesn’t want free sugar), but when I asked him what kind of candy he had, he really started to freak me out. He said he either had Almond Joy or Snickers, and I just fucking lost it. Almond Joy OR Snickers?! That’s unacceptable. So, I told him that my son was no Almond Joy-loving pansy, and he switched his answer to Twix, so I let my son go with him. He must’ve had quite the selection, because he’s been checking it out for nearly 3 years now. Either way, something must be done.

Student from Naperville is “like the biggest Cubs fan in the world”

October 15, 2016October 15, 2016Posted in Local, NationalTagged cubs, fan, funny, mizzou, win, world seriesLeave a comment

By David Colton

$2 TUESDAYS – In a shocking news briefing tonight at Harpo’s, it was uncovered that 20-year-old Kristin North from Naperville, IL is “actually such a huge Cubs fan you guys don’t even know.”

After attending one game in which she wore half of a jersey and pigtails, North has made an excellent case for being the team’s #1 fan.

“I just love Kris Byrant so honestly much,” explains North, “I remember once I saw him play on the field.”

Among North’s challengers for #1 Cubs fan are Lindsay, Brittany, and Kimberly, all of whom are, in Kristin’s words “actually the fakest bitches you’ll ever meet, and they don’t even tan.”

Lindsay, who’s been trying to claim the title ever since she saw a guy with a jawline beard in a Cubs jersey, says she’s definitely more loyal of a fan than Kristin.

“Ya, Kristin doesn’t even have the skin tone to match a Cubs uniform,” explains Lindsay, “She’s got so much more of a Boston White Shoes skin thing going.”

The voting will take place at Brookside Midtown tomorrow at Kyle’s pregame, and the viewing party will continue to a small, dark, sweaty room with no TV’s.

Federal Preserves Torn Between Strawberry, Peach For Next Fiscal Year

October 10, 2016April 5, 2019Posted in National, SocialTagged federal, federal reserve, fruit, jam, money, politics, washingtonLeave a comment

By David Colton

WASHINGTON – This week, in political news more interesting than the upcoming national circus, the Federal Preserves announced shocking news for the toast world.

Last year, the seven-person committee decided on Apricot, a flavor that sent the breakfast world into a frenzy.

“I just want something that I’m going to be able to put on cooked bread,” explains food consumer Jefferson Tonks, “I don’t know why there has to be one type of jelly for the entire year.”

Unfortunately, Tonks was unable to complete his interview, as he was promptly hit with a poison dart after saying the J-word in front of the executive board of Preserves.

“We really can’t risk another incident like the Grape strike of 2011,” explains CEO of Fruit Relations Fenton Berry, “the fruit community is still rattled from those riots.”

The Grape Strike is not more than a tiny example of the countless ridiculous shenanigans this (somehow) multi-faceted committee has caused in major U.S. cities.

Decision day is November 8, so be sure to get out there and vote for something that matters!

Man too nervous to figure out if that’s Joan Cusack at the next table over

September 30, 2016Posted in Local, NationalTagged applebees, joan cusack, nervous man, scaredLeave a comment

By David Colton

APPLEBEE’S OF BOONVILLE– After several reports of a Cusack in the area, local middle-aged man Boris Mouth knew there was only one place they could be.

“I got the alert on my pager, and in that moment, I knew I had to go to Applebee’s,” explains Mouth, who spends the majority of his time tracking down the entire cast of ‘School of Rock’.

Mouth now sits at his table, where he is having trouble figuring out if Joan is sitting across the restaurant.

“She’s got the same signature cheekbones that Joan does, I know that, but her hair is parted a little differently than usual,” explains Mouth.

Among Boris’ Cusack-sighting team is waiter Geoff Houlihan, who says this is hardly Mouth’s first time in Applebee’s this week.

“I keep telling him that’s not her, because I don’t want him to get his hopes up,” states Houlihan, “but it actually might be her this time, I’ve got this feeling.”

According to Houlihan, Boris has come in to Applebee’s at least six times per week since he saw the guy who played Zach Mooneyham on TV.

“I’ve never seen him this inspired,” says Mouth’s wife, Vendetta, “I just hope she doesn’t try to file a restraining order like that asshole Ned Schneebly.”

Boris Mouth has remained on the hunt for the School of Rock cast for nearly three years now, and lists it as his full-time occupation on LinkedIn.

Other members of the community have called Boris “actually maybe insane,” “really weirdly tall,” and “in all honesty pretty terrifying.”

UPDATE: It wasn’t her.

Papa John loses custody battle

September 27, 2016September 27, 2016Posted in NationalTagged felt, johns, kids, lost, papa, pizza, sadLeave a comment

By Lars Gills

JEFFERSONVILLE, IN- “Papa” John Schnatter received some devastating news this weekend. As the CEO of the popular pizza chain Papa John’s left an LA county courthouse, he was visibly distraught. His attorney, conveniently named Lyle Crust, addressed the media this morning.

“My client was informed Tuesday that he would not be allowed custody or visitation rights of his three children” Crust told reporters. This news comes after the pizza giant’s split with wife Annette last October. Sources close to the family have speculated that the split was over Schnatter’s alleged affair with Lisa Malnati, Daughter of Chicago deep-dish king Lou.

Just over an hour ago, Papa John’s released a statement via Facebook that reads as follows: “We are deeply saddened by the news about John’s family. In order to stay true to our customers, we will be rebranding our company, starting with our slogan: “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza. John’s”. There is no word yet as to if the Chain will drop the “Papa” to respect Schnatter’s deteriorating familial situation.

Rush Limbaugh to pursue new Zebra Cake-themed radio show

September 21, 2016Posted in National, UncategorizedTagged important, mizzou, politics, rush limbaugh, zebra cakesLeave a comment

By David Colton

DARK FOREST—In an interesting turn of events, Rush Limbaugh has just announced the subject of his new radio show: Lil’ Debbie Zebra Cakes. Republicans say they expected a shift in topic from Limbaugh, but not one this extreme.

“I mean, I think we all knew Rush was going to do something controversial,” explains Senator Mike Huckabee, “I at least expected him to focus on something a little less intense, like Texas Toast.”

Limbaugh, however, was not to be rattled, as he has his own vision for the show and for America.

“Imagine a world where you can legally take up to 65 Zebra Cakes on an airplane,” states Limbaugh, “it’s about damn time people wake up in this country and see the things that can really help them.”

In regards to the Zebra Cake’s decline in popularity, Limbaugh said only “Yeah, well nuclear war isn’t popular either, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be awesome.”

The law, however revolutionary it may be, does have some restrictions.

“I don’t allow minorities to eat Zebra Cakes. It’s offensive to them. The white frosting drizzled on top of the chocolate frosting…just…so……perfectly. Anyway, I would know what offends other people, so you should trust me. After all, I did come up with the idea for a Zebra Cake talk show.”

Chainsmokers Retire From Music After Seeing Real Life Piano

September 19, 2016August 28, 2019Posted in NationalTagged chainsmokers, felt, gone, music, piano, retireLeave a comment

By David Colton

CONCERT WITH INSTRUMENTS – After being asked to play at every State School in the country, computer-touchers and frat stars The Chainsmokers retired from music Monday following a harrowing encounter with a grand piano.

“We were walking into our green room, which was filled with molly and bitches,” explains Andrew Toggart, who makes up half of the duo, “when we walked in, there was this huge black thing just looking us dead in the face.”

That “black thing,” of course, turned out to be a grand piano, which neither of the duo had apparently heard of.

“I won’t lie, I’ve never been so horrified in my entire life,” says Alex Pall, whose name is comically similar to his counterpart’s, “It just sat there and taunted us… it was some sort of hypersophisticated technology neither of us had ever seen before.”

After encountering the grand piano, which has asked to remain anonymous, the duo fled in Scooby-Doo like fashion.

The DJ’s, who probably met at a tailgate, have been touching computers since 2010, when their track #SELFIE, which was just horrible, was released.

In other news, this is a real quote from Alex Pall from an interview with Billboard. Yes, this is actually a real thing:

“Even before success, pussy was number one… Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model … We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

These “frat bro-dudes,” who have their actual penis sizes advertised on their website, have been near the top of the charts for a long, long time. Way to go, America.

Presidential Debate to finally advance to quickscoping round

September 15, 2016September 26, 2016Posted in NationalTagged clinton, hillary, questionable, quickscope, trumpLeave a comment

by Garrett Dvorkin

Washington – Big news coming out of the presidential race today as Hillary Clinton (Democrat) and Donald Trump (Wall Enthusiast) have decided to cancel traditional debates. In a recent poll, college students repeatedly said while on their iPhones “Id rather sit through helping my fucking grandparents set up their computer, then watch that shit.” As the recent primary debates deteriorated into mindless banter and personal attacks, party officials decided change was needed.

The debate will take place on September 18th, when both candidates will be playing from their respective basements. CNN’s Wolff Blitzer will be on Xbox Live asking the candidates questions through their Turtle Beach headphones. Per Trump’s request, there will be no policy or platform questions. Instead, the candidates will be asked questions asked by the public like “What is you favorite flavor of Doritos?” and “How great is snapchat?” even though the last question isn’t really a question.

We had planned to interview a political analyst for the debate, but instead we asked CallofDuty4Life.com president Graham Duncan. When asked about potential styles each candidate may deploy, Duncan suggested “I see Hillary as more of a camper. She is going to stay somewhere high in the map with a safe assault rifle. I definitely see Trump as a noob tuber. That combined with an RPG will make his playing style very similar to his personality.”

The debate will be live broadcasted via Youtube with host’Ray William Johnson’.