Local – Page 8 – The Gatekeeper

Time to Take a Stand: I’m Sick of My Body Wash Calling Me a “Gel Douche”

April 1, 2019April 1, 2019Posted in Local, National, OpinionTagged axe, body wash, finally, gel douche, it's about time, old spice, op-ed, Opinion, politics, progressive, shower, soap, social justiceLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE PROGRESSIVE FUTURE — As a cisgender straight white man whose parents pay for my college, I think it’s about time somebody asked me what I believe in.

Well, this is it.

After years of bomb-throwing and suppression from within the confines of my bathtub, I have finally decided enough is enough.

No matter which brand I have my mom buy when she visits me at school every three weekends, I can’t seem to avoid the judgement that comes from the label of each bottle of viscous, goopy blue fluid I squirt into my hand and rub on my body.

I am sick and tired of being judged every three days when I decide to shower, and until then, I have a big announcement to make.

I will be boycotting all soap until every brand officially signs my contingency agreement, which has officially been made public.

I have already launched a GoFundMe with a modest goal of $30,000, but I won’t stop there. I have what it takes to commit to my goals, and I won’t let anything or anyone stand in my way.

There aren’t many of us who are willing to stand up and say ‘Not today, soap corporations.’

I think it’s time that changed. I would also like to announce that I am forming an exploratory committee for potential candidacy for the presidency of Venezuela.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but expect to see a questionable and vague story about why my former aides loathe me in the very near future.

Cold Cuts Lukewarm

March 29, 2019April 1, 2019Posted in LocalTagged cold cuts, ham, heat, lunch, meat, turkey, yuckLeave a comment

BREAK ROOM – Damn it, Corey! I’m sick of your stinky little ham cutlets defiling the sanctity of the break room. People eat in here for Christ’s sake.

Do you know how hard it is to eat my parfaits in here with the pungent, noxious stench of your tepid Boar’s Head assaulting my nostrils? Get it together man.

Everyone’s been talking about your malodorous meats that’ve been out since yesterday morning. There’s even talk about getting HR involved. Put them in the fridge like a big boy dammit!

Ice Cream Shoppe Burns to Groundde

March 28, 2019March 29, 2019Posted in LocalTagged arson, burns, fire, ground, ice cream, michigan, old, ShoppeLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

HOLLAND, MI – Hear ye, hear ye! Gather round, villagers! ‘Tis with a burdened bow and humble heart that I bestow upon you the tragic tale of Carl’s Olde Ice Cream Shoppe.

Thy familiar favored fortress for a treacle and a treat hath permanently and positively perished. What once lay betwixt the apothecary and the infirmary now lies in a smoldering, sulfuric shadow.

‘Tis not a jest, simple townsfolk. The boisterous blaze began when a precariously placed pungent potation peregrinated perchance.

The circumjacent clew caught curious combustion causing caustic conditions and conjured cryptic concern that I currently, concisely convey to you.

‘Twill behoof you not fret, simpletons. Officers are searching for the festering fainéant foolish enough to frantically flee from the fantastic flames forthcoming.

Until the knave is apprehended, soft and supple sweets will be stoutly suspended from service and sale.

Vaping Win! New Study Links Cloud Size to Length of Jeans Chain

March 27, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged box mods, chain, clouds, ed hardy, jeans, mall, vaping, winLeave a comment

By David Colton

BLOOMINGTON, IL — Following years of speculation concerning the correlation between $600 metal cigarettes and the manifestation of personal insecurity in the form of pants accessories, doctors have finally released the results of a compelling study.

“Ever since I switched to a box mod, it’s been worth,” said Cris Heathers, assistant manager of a secondhand Earring Gauges shop. “Mad worth, and my cloud size has tripled since I hit a stain on those jeans from Hot Topic.”

The doctors tasked with carrying out the study were sent to half-closed indoor shopping malls across the Midwest, where they spent days upon weeks documenting vape techniques and corresponding outfit decisions among 18 to 38-year-old men.

“I always say, blow clouds, not loud,” said Cris, who has been hospitalized three times for popcorn lung, “we get hella vapor, and we got a signature outfit to go with it too.”

This massive victory for the vaping and 311 communities comes at a time when inception coils are hotter than ever and over-drip flooding has reached an all-time low.

“Ed Hardy is raging in his grave,” said Cris, who doesn’t know how to ride any of the skateboards he owns, “this was all for him. Rip clouds in peace, bro.”

Man in Cloak Commences Annual ‘Tournament of Madness’

March 21, 2019March 21, 2019Posted in Local, NationalTagged björbis, Johnny Depp, madness, march madness, spooky, tournamentLeave a comment

By David Colton

DES MOINES, IA — The party room in the back corner of Bowlerama was rented out for the third and final time Thursday afternoon as local scoundrel Björbis van Snood began preparations for his fourth annual Tournament of Madness.

“Prepare yourselves, for it is I! Björbis the scoundrel, arrived once more to shepherd and extract your worst fears and most twisted nightmares in the name of advertising!” van Snood said, speaking to a small crowd comprised mainly of confused seniors and leftover kids from the 3 o’clock birthday party.

Although all the flyers say this is the competition’s third year, there seems to be little evidence to suggest anyone has ever seen or met this man, let alone agreed to participate in anything called the ‘Tournament of Madness.’

“People ask me ‘Björbis, how do you juggle all of this? I mean, you’re the curator of a massively successful tournament, you harvest your own dark yeast and you’re putting four kids through college?’” van Snood said, “I tell them ‘Hey, if Johnny Depp can do it, I can do it.’”

As patrons slowly began trickling out of the bowling alley, van Snood made it clear he and his giant interactive presentation weren’t going anywhere.

“This is just the beginning for you plebian fools,” said van Snood, standing in line to return his little bowling shoes, “Come on, guys. You have no idea what kind of effort I put into this setup. The winner gets a Dave ‘n Busters gift card!

Seriously, I have this room rented out for like, six more hours.”

Kid With Roller Backpack Running Through Halls Again

March 21, 2019March 27, 2019Posted in LocalTagged backpack, hallway, high school, high school forever, jogging, running, school, sprintingLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

ST. LOUIS – High school senior and all-around weirdo Sebastian Gilbert caused quite a scene Monday morning as he sprinted at full speed through the hallway during the passing period before lunch.

Gilbert, known for his profound love of trapper-keepers and love for My Chemical Romance was followed close behind by his weirdly huge roller backpack, which he brings everywhere.

Although a motive is still unknown, rumors that Gilbert left his steampunk hat and attachable ferret tail adhesive in AP Stats have been circulating the cafeteria during the following period.

“It always seems to be the kids with the roller backpacks who are always sprinting for no reason,” fellow student Josh Cambridge said. “What do they know that we don’t…?”

This marks Gilbert’s third impromptu scamper through the halls in the past week, raising questions from some concerned faculty and members of the custodial staff.

“That kid definitely thinks he’s some kind of sorcerer,” Custodian Carl Daniels said. “Also I’m pretty sure he makes his own beef jerky in that trapper keeper and let me tell you, it is rancid.”

Carl Gilbert is expected to graduate this spring and split his time between day shifts at the renaissance fair and night shifts at the local GameStop.

McPlayplace McPooped In

March 21, 2019March 21, 2019Posted in LocalTagged childhood, children, feces, Fillet-o-fish, Maccas, Mcdonalds, playplace, Poop, therapist, toddlers, TulsaLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

TULSA – Local toddler Teddy Montgomery turned heads Thursday afternoon after dropping a hot, stinky McDeuce in the Playplace™ ball pit at the McDonald’s near Exit 42. Resulting in the immediate closure of the play complex, Montgomery’s actions struck a familiar chord with locals.

“Oh, we get this all the time,” regular Chuck Tumbers said. “Last week we had three toddlers defecate in the transition tube between the balance beam and the mesh-zone™. We’re used to the fumes. At this point, they almost compliment the meat. ”

Tumbers seemed completely unphased by the incident as he downed two fillet-o-fish™ in direct proximity of the Playplace™.

“Teddy will be grounded immediately,” Martha Montgomery told Gatekeeper reporters. “He hasn’t had an accident at home in six months…he must want to poop in the ball pit. His therapist Dr. Shoil says its because that’s where he feels the safest.”

The Exit 42 McDonald’s crew cleaned up the accident in record time and sanitized every ball before reopening the Playplace complex.

While unavailable for comment, Teddy’s legal team released a public apology while simultaneously outlining his plans to almost definitely do it again next Wednesday.

(Op-Ed) Yes, I Do Have To Do My Sit-Ups in the Sauna

March 20, 2019March 21, 2019Posted in Campus, LocalTagged angus, exercise, hot, sauna, situps, squid, the man himself, turpentineLeave a comment

By Angus “Squid” Turpentine

Every morning, I wake up at 9:46 a.m. and sit in bed for four minutes, scroll through Brietbart Sports and drink my leftover OJ from 6 p.m. the night before. On my way downstairs, I always stop by the coal cauldron and grab a few lumps of our nation’s proudest flammable export. By the time I get out the door, I’ve got a sack full o’coal and have already walked over 60 steps, and I’m not looking to mess around.

I sprint the first six blocks, which are at a 13.5 percent incline, and get my heart rate going faster than a pristinely bred ferret on race day. Then, I stop and open my linen drawstring bag to make sure all the coal is still in there. Of course, it always is. As I jog the next seven miles to the YMCA, I rotate between calisthenics like the shuffle, karaoke and more.

There’s no stopping this.

When I finally trot up to the wood dungeon, I make it very well known why I’m there. I’m there to tone core and score some lady sweat. Not literally, obviously. Those days are far behind me. But nay, there be no denyin’ it. The lassies that swing through the sauna, aye, they be the ones with the most sweat to lose. Not that it’s different for guys. Men are equal.

So, to answer your question guy, yeah. I do need to do my sit-ups in the sauna. And if you’ve got a problem, you can tell it to these scorching hot rocks. And I’m not talking about my rock-hard buns. Not yet, at least.

Suck on that, Jonathan. Go back to the steam room, peasant.

Consider yourself inked.

Mansplaining Mansplained

March 19, 2019Posted in LocalTagged ed hardy, mansplaining, Oy vey, San DiegoLeave a comment

By Mo Macsai-Goren

SAN DIEGO – In an effort to assert his masculinity over literally anyone within ten feet of him, local asshole Bryce Choidle spoke over every woman in the room to mansplain himself yesterday afternoon.

Choidle had recently backed himself into a corner during his lunch break at the Mission Valley Ed Hardy corporate office.

After being called out for mansplaining how the new bedazzled printer worked by Tara, a new employee, Choidle took it upon himself to condescend her further by mansplaining how mansplaining works.

As both Tara and Choidle work for Ed Hardy, experts are not expecting the issue to be resolved anytime soon.

UPDATE: Bryce Choidle has since been made assistant manager of the Mission Valley branch.

Intern Refuses To Stop Wearing Company Lanyard

March 18, 2019March 19, 2019Posted in Local, SocialTagged Bro, bud light, business, finance, intern, lit, New York TImes, Patagonia, sickLeave a comment

By David Colton

NEW YORK — A group of wealthy white finance associates were treated to an incredible networking opportunity during Monday happy hour at DELV3, a rooftop club/ Michelin-rated restaurant.

“Everyone was chilling, you know, normal stuff, just taking pictures of ourselves and the food and drinks,” said Kev Dowler, up-and-coming entrepreneur and part-time Joseph A. Bank employee.

“Then we saw that kid Roland show up with his lanyard still around his neck, and we knew he had the potential to be one of us.”

Kev and the Patagonia boys — or as they refer to themselves, the ‘gonia boys — decided to induct Roland into their ranks Monday night.

They held a brief-yet-brutal hazing ceremony in which Roland was forced to carry on a conversation for ten minutes without mentioning his internship.

“It’s an extensive process, that’s for sure,” Kev said as he blew fat clouds, “always separates the men from the boys. Luckily, he’ll never have to do that again.”

22-year-old Roland Wilkesbury is a nice boy from the Midwest. He likes road trips and dairy.

Roland, who just finished his big first day at Lehman Brothers, couldn’t have been happier to find people who share his interests.

“So, this is the place to be, huh?” said Roland, who by the end of the evening remained the only person to dance to the sound of very loud dance music, “Look! Someone else is wearing a light blue button-down and jeans. Now’s my chance.”

Roland, who was never able to work his way up to the bar for a drink, said he was glad to see so many different types of cologne applied excessively in one place.

“I almost feel for the pathetic piece of human trash,” Dowler said, stopping intermittently to sip his $26 Dark & Stormy, “It’s clear to me he doesn’t know the common etiquette.”

Dowler revealed to the Gatekeeper team that a citywide ordinance, put into effect at some point around 2014, requires all white men between the ages of 21 and 24 to wear khakis and a ‘gonia at every bar, with the lanyard draped out of the khaki pocket — company logo visible.