Category: Local

Mostly Cloudy Day Used as Scapegoat

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By David Colton

DAN’S STAPLER WAREHOUSE — As the day began winding down to a close, Stapler Associate and amateur Croquet tutor Marty Buns needed to find a way to get home early.

“I just don’t trust Mother Nature these days,” said Marty Buns, who slowly began gathering his belongings and inching toward the office’s main exit, “Those clouds look dark, don’t you think?”

Although multiple checks of both AccuWeather and The Weather Channel Revealed a 60% chance of light rain begins in the Dan’s Stapler Warehouse area and will last until at least 8 p.m. Tuesday, Marty insisted he had to get home as fast as possible.

“Well, at first I was not inclined to believe Marty — he does have a history of lying about everything, especially his scalp treatment,” said Dan Lenard, CEO and manager of Dan’s Stapler Warehouse, “but for some reason, I was positive he was telling the truth this time.”

Marty managed to scamper out of the back door just as the sun finally broke through the clouds, and it was off to the races for him as he made a break for his 2002 Honda Odyssey, which was parked in the disabled spot.

Marty himself is not disabled, but he said his sister sometimes likes to ride those three-wheeled rascals around that they let you take from Wal-Mart.

Joke Said Again, Louder

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By David Colton

THE WORKPLACE — After several seconds of deafening silence, Dennis Herblemann realized the circle of people standing in the break room must not have heard him.

So, he tried again to weave the same exact joke — verbatim — back into the conversation in a natural way.

“… It’d be called a can’t opener!” said Herblemann, a 34-year-old who routinely does explicit work-conversation prep in the car his way to work.

In a second crushing blow, Dennis once again received stone-cold silence from his colleagues, who were presumably still brooding over last night, where everyone had to stay 20 extra minutes so Susan could finish making copies.

“Honestly, all this says to me is ‘Dennis, nobody likes you or wants to spend any time with you,’” said Herblemann, who has worked at this company for 13 years.

“Back to the drawing board!”

Meanwhile, Trey — the new guy in accounting — came out guns blazing in his first week back since flying to Vegas for a poker tournament.

“So then, me and my buddy Jack, both absolutely plastered, won $60k in one hand, from the toilet. Talk about a fuckin’ royal flush, am I right?” said Trey, who might be under 30 according to workplace rumors.

Of course, workplace colleagues were incredibly receptive to Trey’s Vegas routine and at one point appeared to actively tighten the break room circle in an effort to squeeze him out.

Then, Trey did the unthinkable.

“Yo, guys, here’s another classic: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?”

Area Man Can’t Quite Put Rash Into Words

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

PITTSBURGH – Struggling to find the perfect adjectives to describe his week-old festering sore, local hypochondriac Stewart Saunders successfully convinced himself he was going to die after a brief trip to WebMD late Wednesday night.

Saunders only ventured to the self diagnosis database after noticing that the weird red mark on his elbow from last week had started to grow and smell just a little bit.

“It’s getting kind of…bulbous?” Saunders said with caution. “I typed ‘red spot elbow itchy’ into WebMD and it told me I should’ve died already. I don’t think I’m describing it well enough…”

While expert dermatologists expect Saunders to make a full recovery, they predict that he will continue to lose his mind over it and even venture to a thesaurus to find the proper verbiage to describe his pustule.

Instagram Poll Voted on in Attempt to Skip Past Instagram Poll

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

BOULDER – Catapulting himself into an instant panic, local teenager Lucas Marriott accidentally voted on his crush’s Instagram poll as he purposefully attempted to skip past it.

“Oh, god, what have I done,” Marriott said before frantically googling ‘Can you undo a vote on Instagram story polls.’ “Should I deactivate my account?”

The Instagram poll in question had only been up for three minutes when Marriott accidentally voted ‘Yes but in red’ on her story featuring yesterdays lunch.

Although his initial strategy was to skip past the story, Marriott has since expressed that his preferred selection was ‘yes.’

Marriott suspects this catastrophe was brought about by the polls positioning on the right-hand side of the screen, where viewers can swipe to skip Instagram stories from people they forgot existed until this very moment.

Lamest Friends at Apartment Party Exiled to Balcony

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By David Colton

NEW YORK — When Luke and Corey Hunt decided to host a joint birthday party for the 26th year in a row, they knew the crowd would be hard to contain in their two-bedroom in the West Village.

“We intend to throw a banger for the ages,” said Luke, who confirmed that his mother still pays rent for the two 26-year-olds, “My boys come to rage with the boys, not these idiot nerds.”

It is unclear why the twins invited the “idiot nerds,” a small group of introverts who are better friends with the boys’ mother than the boys themselves.

“Fucking mom made us invite Herman, Gary and Jeb,” said Corey, who wears a shooting sleeve to rec league softball games, “It’s no wonder dad left.”

Sources confirmed both twins think of their dad as “a fucking sick role model,” and that they “don’t even give a shit” that he spent their college fund on future-tense Yankees World Series tickets.

Two hours into the party, it was abundantly clear who the twins considered the “idiot nerds,” as all but three patrons of the birthday bash were exiled to the balcony immediately upon entry and looked on upon classic party games like “Chug, Pussy” and “Break a Glass Without Bleeding.”

Out on the balcony itself, things were a bit tamer. A quiet discussion of semantics had blossomed between the three sad patrons, who chipped in for a bottle of $45 wine.

Beach Shells Announce Retirement to Bowl in Bathroom

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI BEACH – Permanently relocating to a 1950’s ice cream parlor dish on the windowsill in the bathroom, a small collection of beach shells have announced their much-anticipated retirement.

Local scrapbooker Jenny Lou Bertram facilitated the shells’ retirement by haphazardly collecting them in a used Family Dollar bag on her beach walk early yesterday morning. Instead of the traditional retirement ceremony of being deliberately placed in a beautiful oceanic mosaic, all but two of Bertram’s shells were dropped in the toilet, fished out with a plunger, and poured haphazardly into the bowl where they crumbled on impact.

Experts are expecting the shells to remain on the windowsill in the bathroom until 2024, when Bertram’s grandson is expected to dump the entire bowL into the toilet.

Whiteboard Privileges Abused

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By David Colton

SAN FRANCISCO — It was Darren Guff’s first day at a new job. He had finally made it out of his childhood bedroom and into the corporate world, and nothing could stop him.

That is, except a small amount of responsibility.

“One of the first things they told me after hiring me was that I get to use the whiteboard for business purposes,” said Darren Guff, who unofficially majored in social media six years ago.

“I was like, score.”

It seems as though Darren’s employers have yet to notice his mural in the third floor conference room, but they are all but certain to stumble upon it when it comes time for their 2:35 briefing.

Of course, Darren doesn’t know any of these details, because they were included in the employee handbook he received upon getting hired.

Instead, Guff has decided to make it a point to put a different message on each whiteboard. He said it’s part of an overarching plan to get women to talk to him.

“Okay, so hear me out,” said Darren, whose parents clearly didn’t love him enough, “I display these steamy messages in conference rooms throughout the office. Women see them and think ‘whose sexy handwriting is that?’ Then, I invite all the women in the office to a handwriting seminar where I put my own handwriting up on screen and they all orgasm!”

Darren Guff was fired today. Despite several complaints from every single woman in the office, management documented Darren’s departure as a “mutual separation based on the financial standing of both parties.” He’ll likely return to Buffalo Wild Wings to blow some more of his mom’s money