Kid who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ now a professional artist

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, UncategorizedTagged artist, douche, friend, funny, kid, mizzou, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE SAD FUTURE – Sources confirmed early Wednesday that Torrey Durt, who knew how to draw a cool ‘s’ in elementary school, has officially had his work accepted into the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago.

“There’s a lot more that goes into the stroke of a paintbrush than meets the eye,” said Durt, who is weirdly still friends with his middle school art teacher, “I really try to create something that jumps out and says ‘Youth is anarchy,’ you know?”

However, Durt, who spends most of his time hanging out under train tracks, has had more than one brush with fame.

“I used to have this sick piece over on the slide at Hinkson park,” said Durt, “But then the freakin’ pigs painted it over.”

The majority of his work, Durt says, is interpretive, and requires a high level of focus to understand. One piece in particular stands out to Durt.

“It’s called ‘life’ because it represents death,” said Durt, “the interpretation itself is actually meant to be interpreted.”

Guy Wearing White Oakley’s Probably Knows a Couple People in Miami

November 28, 2016April 4, 2019Posted in Campus, Local, NationalTagged beefy, ed hardy, miami, oakley, satireLeave a comment

By David Colton

NIGHTTIME – While he ordered a vodka-Monster at the bar, sources confirmed Tuesday that Frankie Martinez, who is most likely wearing some sort of necklace, may know a couple people in Miami.

“Hey, you gotta keep supporting your bros, you know?” said Martinez, when answering the question ‘Where are you from?’

Despite several attempts to start a conversation with him, Martinez continues insisting on telling the story of his barbed-wire tattoo.

“It’s cool, you know, because the wire represents how I’m always wired in,” explains Martinez, “and now my arm is wired in too, you know what I’m saying?”

After spending the entire day staring at women poolside, Frankie says he likes to wind down by going to Tonic, a local club/ cespool.

“Yeah, it’s nice because I don’t even have to take off the shades,” said Martinez, “half the people in there are also already wearing sunglasses.”

After we finally got to the question, Martinez assured us his uncle once knew someone from Miami.

Guy in Vineyard Vines & Sperry’s excited to make transition to Vineyard Vines & Tims

October 16, 2016October 16, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, SocialTagged autumn, douche, sick, vest, vineyard vines, weatherLeave a comment

By David Colton

GREEKTOWN – Early this morning, local Natty Light advocate and all-around savage Geoff Smalls made a decision that could alter the fashion world forever.

This morning, Geoff, whose name originally started with a ‘J’ but he got it changed, took advantage of the changing fall weather.

“It’s honestly dope how weather works,” explains Smalls, “I just love being able to express myself uniquely through what I wear.”

Geoff has made advancements to more than just his footwear though, also purchasing a few basketball jerseys to wear even in the winter.

“Yeah, my frat likes to keep the policy that every party is a jersey party,” explains Geoff, whose long hair somehow always looks wet, “it really ends up working out for us, because we all love sports!”

The shift from Sperry’s to Tims was not just a unique decision, but an informed one. Geoff’s brothers have all followed suit, and some have even started adding little personal touches, such as high white socks and backwards baseball hats.

“We’re really just glad we can express ourselves through what we wear,” said the fourth guy in 5 minutes, “we really feel that fashion is the most unique way of expressing yourself, no matter who you are.”

Man who knows how to play guitar doesn’t have to stop playing guitar to continue talking about playing guitar

October 4, 2016Posted in Campus, Local, SocialTagged funny, guitar, mizzou, music, playing, satire, sickLeave a comment

1334x888.jpeg.46edbf62ae58485fb82e43cfdc607205.jpg — Photo by Haley Blase

By David Colton

KYLE’S BACKYARD – Sources confirmed Tuesday morning that Bryce Clad, self-described anklet connoisseur and longboard advocate, actually knows how to play the guitar.

By ‘sources,’ of course, we mean Bryce, who gave an interview while simultaneously struggling through “Sweet Home Alabama”

“People always talk about it like it’s some huge thing,” explains Clad, ”and I’m just like, you think I don’t know that?”

Clad, who has been playing for approximately 1 year, knows such classics as “Seven Nation Army” and “Back in Black,” but usually just spends his time vaguely picking G and C chords.

“Yeah, I was super into biking for a while, but then my bike got stolen back, so I picked up this guitar I took from an old guy,” says Clad, whose age remains comically ambiguous.

Instead of playing concerts or practicing on his own, Bryce likes to combine the two in public.

“It’s pretty tight, really,” explains Clad, “I just bring my axe wherever I go. I call it a ‘Practoncert.’ Good one, right?

Bryce’s friends, Kyle and Dirk, haven’t spoken in four hours.

5 fun things to do with your parents this weekend

September 23, 2016Posted in Campus, SocialTagged college, fun, mizzou, parents, thingsLeave a comment

Play Checkers

King me, mom and dad!

Discuss the status of the Thompsons’ Divorce

I hear he’s letting her take the dog. Can you believe that?

Order Pizza

Get cheese, pepperoni, or even sausage! The possibilities are truly endless.

Lie about how your classes are going

Your professor hasn’t put any exams put in yet, so the actual grade is higher than it looks.

Give them an uncomfortable tour of your house

Make sure you forget to move your lotion off of your nightstand.

Guy in plain white T-shirt and jeans might have a knife

September 22, 2016Posted in Campus, UncategorizedTagged jeans, knife, mizzou, murder, possible, shirt2 Comments

By David Colton

SPEAKER’S CIRCLE – This morning, students on their way to class had a bit of a scare.

“I was walking, and I saw that guy standing there, and he just mouthed the words ‘I have a knife’” explains sophomore Georgio Philliniamani, “he didn’t seem angry or anything, just kind of like he wanted me to know he had it.”

Speaker’s Circle has always been known as a place where people of all backgrounds can come together; knife holders and civilians alike.

“Honestly this is what we’re all about,” explained interim administrator Rob Blagojevich, “we’re really just trying to make this campus more inclusive to kids of all demographics.”

The man was seen standing on the outskirts of speaker’s circle without a backpack, which some witnesses say is “a little unsettling.”

“I’ve just never seen someone wear that outfit that wasn’t either going to stab me or in a Hanes commercial, and I’ve just been praying Michael Jordan will come out from behind him and take the tag from his shirt; take him down a peg,” explains junior Ryan Goose.

UPDATE: He keeps doing this thing where he slicks his hair back and then snaps immediately after.

EDM enthusiast misinterprets enrollment drop

September 20, 2016September 20, 2016Posted in Campus, SocialTagged drop, edm, enrollment, mizzou, sickLeave a comment

By David Colton

THE BLUE NOTE—Early this morning, local EDM advocator and MU student Thom Bulge expressed confusion about the drop in MU enrollment for 2016.

“I heard about the enrollment drop and god super psyched,” explains Thom, “I love hearing about new artists, and Enrollment is already one of my favorites.”

Bulge apparently thinks ‘Enrollment’ is a Progressive House side-project collaboration between DJ Lactaid and O.B.G.Y.N., two of the most well-known producers in the business.

“We’ve tried over and over again to explain to Thom that the enrollment drop is not sick,” explains Thom’s mother, Shauna Bulge, “but he just continues to insist that we just need to ‘wait for it,’ and I don’t even know what that means.

Somehow, even though he lived through the campus climate last fall, Bulge has no idea anything has changed at all.

“Honestly, I’m just pumped for Louis the Child to come dance in front of their computers again this month,” explains Bulge, “their drops are moderately sick.”

The Gatekeeper sat down with Bulge this week and explained to him that the enrollment drop was actually a drop in students attending MU, perpetuated by systematic oppression from positions of leadership and national media attention. Bulge, however, held constant to his stance, saying he “never even left Greektown,” because “why would he?”

Mizzou football team to just give up

September 18, 2016September 18, 2016Posted in Campus, LocalTagged football, fumble, loss, mizzou, sadLeave a comment

By David Colton

BARRY ODOM’S SAD EYES– In developing news, the University of Missouri football team has announced that they will give up following Saturday’s loss to Georgia.

“We keep trying to play football, and it keeps not working,” explains J’mon Moore, whose hands are made of liquid, “it seems like the world is just working against us.”

After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss, head coach Barry Odom brought the team into the locker room for some choice words.

The following is an excerpt from Odom’s speech:

“Alright guys, I’m not gonna lie to you, I would much rather just give up and go get some Taco Bell. I mean, if anyone objects, please do, but clearly this whole ‘football’ deal isn’t our thing.”

Mizzou held the lead for the vast majority of the game, but lost it with 1:50 left. Then, redshirt freshman Drew Lock threw a beautiful pass to J’mon Moore, who was distracted by a passing pigeon and fumbled the ball.

The loss is just one of many for the team this year, but is hardly the most tragic.

“I think we were all pretty shaken up when T-Bell got rid of the Beefy Crunch Burrito,” explains offensive lineman Darby Hent, “this sucks too though.”

Top 5 Ways to get arrested by MUPD

September 14, 2016September 15, 2016Posted in Campus, LocalTagged beer, cops, fun, is, suckLeave a comment

By David Colton

Here are some super fun ways you can get to know your local police!

1. Think About Alcohol

Don’t even think about sippin’ that silly juice when it comes time for college fun!

2. Be related to someone who is 21

Think you can get away with having relatives who can break the law? Think again!

3. Be a male in a bar

The ratio is always most important. Even to the cops.

4. Try to walk home instead of driving drunk

Thought walking was a safe alternative? Think again!

5. Attempt to enjoy your college experience

No matter what you do, or where you go out, just make sure you’re ready to have your week ruined by a 35-year old man wearing sports sunglasses at night.

Incoming freshmen “Utterly Terrified” of Junior living in dorm

September 14, 2016September 14, 2016Posted in CampusTagged felt, junior, man, milk, scary, short, tallLeave a comment

By Kacen Bayless

SCHURZ HALL – Earlier today, six freshmen residing on the fifth floor of Schurz Residential Hall held a meeting inside self-proclaimed cool guy Brad Butler’s dorm room. The cause of this possible coup was centered around the mysterious junior living at the end of the boys’ hallway.

“I knew Brad was the one guy we could go to with this information once I saw the amount of Ferrari posters in his room,” resident Chester Sullivan, freshman, said, his eyes wide in terror. “With everything that’s going on, we all feel safe in his room.”

The residents agree they first witnessed the junior, whose name is either Keith or Darren, on move-in day and have been terrified ever since.

“He only comes back to the floor around midnight,” pesky little guy Steven Plasken said, “It’s like he doesn’t even want to hang out with us.”

Instead of engaging in the floor’s ice-breaker activities with Residential Advisor Jason Alexander, the junior was nowhere to be seen.

“I went and knocked on his door, hoping to invite him to the ice cream social…” Sullivan said, pausing to catch his breath. “…and he wasn’t even there.”

During the ice cream social, the six gentlemen also unsuccessfully tried to coax the girls from the floor over to hall’s lounge. The 20 or so women allegedly told the boys they were planning on just staying in for the night, but were later seen socializing with the residents on floor three.

“It can’t be us that they’re afraid of,” Plasken said, his peskiness rising. “I think they’re afraid of…him.”

The junior, whose name I’m starting to think isn’t either Keith or Darren, was unavailable for comment, but the six freshmen all agreed that he’s probably out there somewhere being super mysterious.

“We don’t know why he’s here or what his plan is, but we want him gone,” Brad Butler said, speaking for the group of guys huddled behind his mini fridge. “He’s the main reason why I haven’t gotten laid in college yet.”