Category: Local

‘Mobile Gamer’ Hasn’t Moved in Four Hours

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By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA — It’s no secret video that games are making a comeback in a big way.

Ever since “Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice” came out, the gaming community has been in the sunken place trying to figure it out. However, some are migrating in the opposite direction: playing the worse-made versions of console games on their phones.

Kevin “Last of his Name” Smith has been talking up mobile gaming to his mother for months now in an attempt to convince her he will be more active.

“Sharon has not ventured to the Viper’s Realm much,” said Kevin, speaking about the pantry he moved a couch into, “at least not since I issued Declaration 476. Oh, are you unfamiliar? That’s the Smithwide prohibition on questioning anything I say or do.”

While it Kevin, who is clearly an only child, thinks he has his mother fooled, Sharon Smith has some choice words of her own.

“Will you tell that fucking loser to get a job? All he does is sit down there and play those silly games,” said Sharon Smith, who declined to let any of us use the restroom.

“He told me it helps him get hand exercise, but honestly I’d rather just have him jerking it down there.”

Upon saying this, Sharon immediately realized that’s exactly what Kevin is doing, and dashed downstairs to intervene.

Little Brother Might Actually Be Hurt, Apparently

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By David Colton

LEXINGTON, KY — Depending on who you ask, there are a multitude of different ways little Johnny Plunkett could have ended up crumpled and wailing in a ball on the woodchips.

In the eyes of little Johnny, only one thing is certain: If he tells mom and dad, he’s toast.

“He said he wanted to go on the swings, so I gave him a big push like he asked for,” said Tyler, Johnny’s older brother and record holder for girls kissed in the seventh grade.

“If he wants to cry and be a wuss about it, he won’t learn what it means to be a true man.”

According to nearby playground patrons, Johnny flew close to 15 feet in the air after Tyler did one of his notoriously powerful “underdog” pushes.

“He, when he went on the swings, he swinged really high,” said Sally Trunks, local 3-year-old and recent graduate of Pull-Ups academy.

Despite his reluctance to do so, it appears Tyler will inform authorities that Johnny swinged too high, and now his leg has a woodchip in it.

Tyler’s parents were unavailable for comment after information became public suggesting they were filming the whole thing and jeering little Johnny when he “totally ate shit.”

“That little dweeb sure can fly,” said Dex, the boys’ father and owner of the West Eastern Dojo.

“Once that woodchip sinks in, his transformation into a wood nymph will officially have begun, and he will begin the spell-casting process.”

Hey, Have You Heard? These Hats Make You Look Like You Have Hair

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By David Colton

MILWAUKEE — Hey, you! Yeah, you. Yes, I’m talking to you. The guy in the gamer chair with Bugles on his fingers and his gut dangling below his for-some-reason-form-fitting t-shirt.

This is an announcement for you! Well, you and newspaper boys from 1930s and before.

According to a study that focused almost exclusively on fans of J.R.R. Tolkien and George R.R. Martin, there is a population of about 5.8 million 30-something white men who are in need of solace from the mortal challenge of hair loss.

“I find a curious absence of R.R. in my name,” said Thomas Doberman, who works from home as a GameFuel brand ambassador.

“All of that was solved by these ingenius follicle simulators.”

Although it’s unclear if Thomas R.R. Doberman thinks these hats literally regenerate hair, it’s pretty fair to say that he probably thinks the tweed fabric looks like normal hair. Poor guy.

The study was conducted in EB Games stores across the country — which we were forced to type  at wand-point instead of Gamestop, which when you really look at it has begun to  sort of dominate the video game storefront busine—

UPDATE: EB Games is doing very well and will continue serving its loyal customers forever.

Fraternal Twins Hazed

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

MIAMI – 20-month-old fraternal twins Brayden and Trayden Cooper amazed partygoers late Saturday night after finishing every single case of warm milk presented to them.

Taking part in a seemingly cruel and archaic hazing ritual, the Cooper twins out-drank every other pledge vying for a coveted spot in the Tau Omega Theta house for the upcoming semester.

“These little dudes are already making me so proud, bruh,” the twins’ father Hayden Cooper said as tears welled up in his eyes. “Cayden already told me he wants to go into finance and Trayden said he plans on gaining fifty pounds in beer weight and sitting in the basement for the next seven years just like his old man.”

Cooper began to cry as he presented his sons with the ceremonial monogrammed Vineyard Vines onesies that have been passed down through every generation since the fraternity’s inception in 1872.

“I’m legally required to say that this fraternity is a non-hazing fraternity,” Cooper said. “These ‘bonding games’ have really bonded us forever. I don’t think I could be their father if they couldn’t chug.”

Cayden and Trayden were unavailable for comment as they are toddlers but seemed excited about their newfound friendships based solely on drinking and salmon-colored shorts.

Man Uses Laptop as Plate

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By David Colton

BROOKLYN — Dan Miller was never planning on opening his blinds Thursday. In fact, when he realized that it was sunny outside, he flipped them from all the way down to all the way up — even though the amount of shade provided was exactly the same.

Dan knew that today wouldn’t be the day he found a job, let alone the day he walked down to that Pottery Barn down the street.

Nay, wise Dan chose another path for his off-brand Hot Pocket. After a few excruciating minutes rotating on a heavily-stained microwave dish, Dan removed the “Cheezy Bread Square” from its solitary confinement.

It was, of course, 8,000 degrees, and so Dan, putting his business degree to good use, found an alternate plate. However, it slipped off onto the floor and exploded weirdly hard on the ground, evaporating completely.

 It was then that Dan decided to take matters into his own hands: time for eggs and bacon, baby—both prepared a la microwave, of course.

“I came home to a completely dark apartment at 3 p.m.,” said Dan’s mother, confirming they weren’t in that weird Alaskan night time thing, “I’m just glad it wasn’t Tomato soup again.”

UPDATE: Dan has still not found a job, even after two hours of surfing GoDaddy for that steamy pic of Danica Patrick.

Ha! Other Goofball in Prayer Circle Also Not Praying

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By David Colton

ST. JUDAS METHODIST CHURCH — Despite specific instructions from Reverend Dipple to keep those peepers squeezed shut during our time alone with the lord, local rascal Tommy Potts sneaked a glance across the prayer group Wednesday afternoon.

What he saw changed his perception of church forever.

Tommy’s mom always told him to stay away from that Bobby Tuggins, but today she was focused on the lord.

“We had our eyes closed and Dipple was spewing about dang Corinthians for the third time this month,” said Tommy Potts, who rides without a helmet, “I just couldn’t help but take a peek!”

To his surprise, when he opened his eyes, he saw little Bobby Tuggins giving him the exact same look.

“Yeah, I had no idea I was gonna see Tommy Potts,” said Tuggins, who has received detention before, “I just heard Dipple fall back on Corinthians again and I had to open my eyes.”

It was confirmed in a post-sermon coffee hour conversation between the two boys’ mothers that both hooligans will be attending church camp this summer.

This puts them at odds when it comes time to graduate college, which they are both set to do this month.

“I hope Tuggins knows that I don’t play around when it comes to this,” said Tommy Potts, pulling out and actually lighting a candy cigarette, “I’m the king of comedy, baby.”

Bobby Tuggins seems to think otherwise.

“Is that what he said? Oh, it is on. This bastard has taken the part of shepherd in the Christmas pageant one year too many. I hope he’s ready to get shat on by the angel Tuggins.”

Snapchat Friend Dies

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By David Colton

DAVENPORT, IA — After nearly four years of occasional story-viewing and near-complete ignorance of the fact she existed, Derek van Garble publicly mourned the loss of Kelsey Young Tuesday.

David van Garble, who once sat three rows behind Kelsey in Algebra II, wrote the following in a Facebook post:

“R.I.P. Kels. I never got the chance to tell you this but I always thought we would end up together. I’ll miss you so much </3”

When Kelsey Young arrived at Jeff’s Sunday night, she had no idea there would be that much alcoholic yogurt — it was her favorite thick fluid. But for Kelsey, it was also the first horseman of her dairy demise.

“I’ve never seen someone suck down that ‘gurt the way she did,” said Bob Huxley, assistant manager at Jeff’s Discotech and Yogurt Hub, “It was one of the single most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced.”

But Kelsey didn’t die from Yogurt alone. It was a complex and horrifying sequence of events, that objectively actually looked pretty cool.

After Young’s fifth Yoplait Hard of the night, she stumbled into a supply closet and stepped on a rake, bonking herself right in the noggin. Then, as she backpedaled and went “whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!” she fell off the Jeff’s balcony into the giant people-sized punch bowl that was filled with — you guessed it — Yoplait Hard. Of course, she wasn’t dead then, just surrounded by alcoholic yogurt. But her time was coming, and it was clear she knew. When onlookers asked if she needed assistance, her response was simple.

“I am the yogurt now, and the yogurt is me. Goodbye, society. I am finally allowing the ‘gurt to consume me.”

Kelsey was 24.

Autopsy Finds Diet Coke, Mentos

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By David Colton

RALPH’S MORGUE — Capitalizing on speculation that the death was caused by a weird snack gone wrong, mortician Rheuben Zynx revealed Monday morning that little Konner Wells had attempted the fabled food challenge “in his own tummy.”

Some locals say there’s more to the story.

“Yeah, that kid had it coming,” said Myke Tumor, local merchant, “who the hell spells ‘Connor’ a “k” and an “e?”

According to the official autopsy, Konner saw a video on something called YouTube in which another child filed a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke with a bunch of mint-flavored Mentos, sat back and watched them explode.

Although it’s unclear why Konner wanted to attempt this highly risky stunt without telling anyone or eating any food, one thing is clear:

That shit worked.

Konner was rocketed nearly 250 feet into the air, where he remained for six seconds at the top of a cartoonishly large Diet Coke spout before fluttering safely to the ground.

He was dead, though, and it was because of the Coke and Mentos. The toxic cocktail tore through his body like a fire hose tasked with filling a water balloon. It was gross.

“I’ve never seen anything quite like this,” said Rheuben, who started as an art major, “at least, not since the ‘Human Water Bottle Flip.’”

Man Disappointed, Discouraged by Henley Shirt

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By David Colton

NORDSTROM RACK — Norman Fleischmann walked away empty-handed after taking a chance on his body type Friday afternoon.

Apparently, Norman was in search of a Henley shirt that inflated his pecs and ego.

“I was just expecting to look a lot more like Ryan Gosling,” said Norman, who hasn’t been to the doctor in four years, “Now I just feel like a worse, less confident version of him.”

After taking the shirt for a few test spins around the changing room hallway, Norman’s mother informed him that she could see his nipples, and that “those types of shirts are for winners and people who are in shape.”

Norman, despite his mother’s abusive words, went ahead with the purchase and wore the shirt to the local teen hangout spot Friday evening.

“People just told me I looked like a rock-bottom Johnny Depp,” said Norman, who somehow settled on all-the-way-unbuttoned as his go-to look in the shirts, “But if he was creatively infertile and didn’t have any friends.”

While it appears that Norman has at least one friend, reports on the topic have yielded mixed results.

The National Study of Norman’s Friends (NSNF) found that only three people identified themselves as friends of Norman Fleischmann, and only one of them was talking about the correct Norman Fleischmann. That is, until the researchers discovered that Norman Fleischmann himself had obtained a copy of the survey and forged a vote in the category “Friend of Norman Fleischmann.”