Category: Local

Keens Announces Entry Into Greenish-Beige Capri Industry

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By David Colton

PORTLAND, OR — It was a match made in Kohl’s.

Earth tone enthusiasts across the nation rejoiced Wednesday as the titans of the mostly-closed-toe footwear industry finalized plans to enter the Swamp-Hued Nearly-Pants market.

“For a company that has spent so long providing sockless footwear to scientists and book-lovers, there was really no smarter move,” said Harmony Torblemann, president and CEO of Grass Watchers International.

The move comes at somewhat of a perilous time for the incomplete outdoor garment market, which has taken a tumble in light of the recent success of Marvel films.

However, fans of Marvel, Keens and Greenish-Beige Capris say they’ve achieved nirvana.

“I finally feel like I have a purpose,” said Terbin Kube, local Bernie Sanders stalker.

“Before, I felt weird about staying inside at all times while wearing clothes meant for the outdoors.”

Terbin said his eyes have finally been opened to the world of fashion.

“It took me a lot of grappling with myself, but I think I’m finally beginning to come to the realization that Keens are meant to be worn in a damp basement,” Terbin said, “and I’ll be damned if that doesn’t mean I can’t wear my Kohl’s elastic-waistband capris.”

Left out of the monumental deal were those khakis that zip into uncomfortable and weird-looking cargo shorts.

The group declined to comment, except to remind us of their existence by pinching our thigh hair.

‘Roast Me, I Can Take It’ Says Man Who Cannot

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

PORTLAND – What started as a pleasant birthday surprise devolved into utter chaos Wednesday night as Josh Fitzgerald, 36, celebrated his birthday. Friends and family from around the greater Portland area came to the Clackamas Applebee’s to celebrate with Josh.

Things quickly turned south as Kyle Duncan, Josh’s childhood best friend announced a surprise roast for the birthday boy.

“For years he’s been asking us to roast him at his birthday party,” Kyle told Gatekeeper reporters. “We’ve been hesitant because he starts freaking out if we mention his weird left eyebrow but this year he insisted.”

Kyle began the roast with some classic jabs at Josh’s menial job as an entry level marketing consultant. At first, Josh seemed to take the jokes well, even laughing and clapping at some of the most pointed insults.

“Yeah, it became pretty clear that the roast was a bad idea,” Josh’s roommate Corey said after. “You could see his eyes welling up with tears pretty much as soon as we started.”

As the roast went on, Josh fell silent and forced a pained grimace onto his face. As the roast concluded, Josh quickly made his way to the bathroom before re-emerging 45 minutes later.

Although Josh insists he had fun, sources inside the bathroom have confirmed he melted down into full-blown existential crisis.

Colorblind Woman Picking Up Some Grey Flags From First Date

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

CHICAGO – Following her date’s 20-minute rant on beef jerky taxonomy, local colorblind advertising executive Theresa Leonard realized the man she had met on Tinder Friday night was displaying some serious warning signs.

“As soon as he started talking about his endeavors into DIY yogurt, I realized I was in too deep,” Leonard told Gatekeeper reporters. “We hadn’t even ordered drinks yet before he started ranting about deep state conspiracy theories.”

Leonard noticed the grey flags in his conversational topics of choice and attempted to change the subject to the day’s weather. Before she could, he was on a tangent about climate change somehow being linked to the Clinton Foundation.

“This is so disappointing because his profile seemed so normal,” Leonard said. “I don’t think there’ll be a second date. Too many grey flags this time around, maybe it was the venue choice? I get free tickets to the Grey Man Group, maybe I’ll take my next date to that.

As a woman on Tinder, Leonard already has hundreds of camo-clad potential suitors lining up in her Tinder likes. She has yet to reveal her latest confirmed matches.

Duration Of Facetime Spent Looking At Self In Corner

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

SAN DIEGO – Illuminating why exactly his mom was so angry with him, the Gatekeeper’s investigative team has found that SDSU Junior Aaron Fritz stared only at his own image during an extended, hour-long Facetime call with his mother Wednesday night.

What started as a simple plea for “food money” — although investigators say Fritz planned to spend the cash on tickets to Shen Yun: 5,000 Years Of Civilization Reborn — ended in a firm scolding as Muriel Fritz noticed her son’s lack of eye contact.

“Are you checking yourself out?” she asked her stupid, stupid little boy. “If you want money from me, you better make eye contact. I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” Fritz attempted to play it off like he was looking at a new pimple, but his mother quickly reminded him that he simply cannot lie to her.

“I don’t know how she does it,” Fritz said. “No matter how I act she can always tell when I’m lying. I don’t even want to think about what she knows that she hasn’t told me.”

At this time, experts are unsure if Fritz received the money or attended the simply transcendent ballet performance.

Rapper From High School Drops New Pyramid Scheme

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

INDIANAPOLIS – Struggling to make ends meet with his debut album “Trap Smear,” local rapper Trilliam H. Macy unveiled what was clearly a pyramid scheme to his 63 loyal followers on Facebook last week.

Macy, now six years out of high school, hopes that his new business venture will generate enough revenue for him to be the first person in history to buy a subscription to SoundCloud Pro.

“My new company is called ‘The Works,’” Macy said. “We sell everything from vague nutritional supplements to athletic wear that disintegrates immediately. Are you interested in becoming an ambassador? I only need $49 as a down payment…” Despite Macy’s efforts, he is still the sole team member at ‘The Works.’

Tanner Brewer, a former high school classmate of Macy’s sat down with Gatekeeper reporters to discuss the local rapper’s latest entrepreneurial quest.

“Well, it was one thing in high school, when he just wanted us to listen to his shitty music,” Brewer said. “But now that he’s shoving products like ‘pulverized marrow pods’ and ‘supple açaí exfoliant’ down our throats? I think it’s time to finally cut ties with that dude.”

Brewer expressed his concern for Macy while discretely unfollowing him on every social media platform.

Macy has yet to release a statement regarding Macy, among most of his friends from high school, completely abandoning him in his efforts to blatantly scam people on the internet.

Free Poster From Freshman Year Makes Sad Reappearance in Childhood Bedroom

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By David Colton

LAWRENCE, KS— Chase Winters was the coolest guy on campus, and everyone knew it. He had cascading locks of curly brown hair which was matted down by months of ceaseless pressure from his Yeti mesh baseball hat.

He had a beer belly and did cocaine six days a week, and women hated him. He was unstoppable.

These are the sentiments Chase said he still carries with him today, ten months after he stopped attending classes because “school is for GDI’s.”

Now, according to Chase, he’s back at it and better than ever.

“I’m putting the final touches on the Aviary of Man,” Winters said. “It’s really coming together in a way I never thought possible in high school.”

Chase said the new nickname for his childhood-bedroom-turned-man-cave-in-his-parents’-attic comes from a place of noble roots.

“I initially came up with the concept for the Aviary when I realized I hadn’t made any effort to succeed in school or work,” Chase said.

The setup came to him naturally, and the signature touch was the second debut of that sick poster of Chance. You seen it? It’s sick.

Now, all that’s left to do is wait for slight acquaintances from high school to come home for four-day increments and invite them to a horrible, sad party.

Area Man Deems T-Shirt Inside of Hoodie Lying on Floor Too Complex to Deal With Today

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By David Colton

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA— Not all fights are won with victory.

Just three and a half hours after waking up, Konner Woods got out of bed to start his day.

Initially, Woods said, he planned to pick up his room Tuesday, but got sidetracked when he didn’t.

“It’s not even like I was actually doing any activities or anything,” Woods said, “I just was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.

“It was like I completely lost control.”

Konner is a simple man. He likes Tapout, Michelob and the Red Hot Chili Peppers. He said his spiritual encounter Tuesday afternoon was one of the most difficult moments he’s had mentally in years.

“I saw my hoodie there on the ground, and thought, ‘okay, no problem, I’ve seen this situation before’” Woods said. But then, he said noticed the base of his favorite Ray Romano shirt protruding from within the sweatshirt’s folds.

According to Konner, he’s not the type of guy who enjoys the little adrenaline-inducing prick of an accidental shock from pulling apart two fabric items — especially without adequate preparatory measures.

“Simply put, I don’t like to challenge the lightning gods,” Konner said. “Sometimes you have to look Zeus right in the peepers and just say ‘Not today, fabric wizard.’”

Konner Woods is not employed or happy.

‘I Read About That,’ Says Man Who Watched Video About That

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

PHOENIX – Squashing rumors that he is wholly illiterate, local Phoenician Travis Evans reassured his close friends that his facts about immigration reform were, in fact, based on a newspaper article he read.

Upon further review, a special Gatekeeper investigation has found that Evans sourced his information from a thirty-second video that appeared on his Facebook feed late Sunday night.

The video in question comes from PolitiCool, a conservative media company that attempt to keep its viewers up to date with American politics via short social media videos set to elevator music.

Despite Evans’ assertions that his information came directly from “either The New York Times or Wall Street Journal,” all of his factual information was sourced from extra large subtitles slowly superimposed over the PolitiCool video. It should be noted that some words in these subtitles arbitrarily bolded.

At this time, investigators are unsure if Evans even listened to the audio.

Study Finds Pizza Hut Express Leading Cause Of Diarrhea In Me Right Now

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By ANONYMOUS

DALLAS – Researchers hired by Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport are investigating a truly horrific case of gastrointestinal stress brought about by the domestic terminal’s Pizza Hut Express and their coveted 2-for-1 deal.

Originally hired to do an end-of-year strategic marketing survey, the team of researchers was redirected once authorities began receiving anonymous tips that the famous pizza chain was causing customers to rush to the restroom at alarming rates.

“I had chicken alfredo pizza in a bread bowl and now I’m going to miss my flight,” one source said through a bathroom stall. “I should’ve said no to the dessert pizza, but it was free with the 2-for-1 deal.”

As a regular of the DFW Pizza Hut Express, I was personally shocked to hear the results of this study. Never before had I felt the kind of intestinal strain described by the customers quoted in the study. At approximately 11,000 calories, my meals usually left me refreshed and refuel––

Editor’s Note: The author of this piece had to rush to the bathroom before publishing this. Given the importance of this issue, the editorial team here at The Backdoor has decided to publish it as is.

Local Prison Group Forms Aryan Brotherhood Of The Travelling Pants

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By Mo Macsai-Goren

CLEVELAND – Sealing their bond as brothers for life, four white supremacist inmates at the Cleveland House of Corrections announced their plans to share the same pair of baggy light wash genes during their first summer after being released.

Shaun Crade, Tyler Dune, Stephen Michel Wills, and Rex Massey, four card-carrying members of the Aryan Brotherhood, have expressed relief that their new system of sharing pants will ease the transition from solitary to society.

“The pants fit us all extremely well,” Dune said. “It’s up to us to decorate them and then send them on. Personally? I’m thinking about bedazzling the Insane Clown Posse onto the legs.” Dune, currently serving 12 years for a double homicide, plans to move to Toledo to pursue his passion of being seen in a waterpark bathroom fulltime.

“These guys are my brothers,” Massey said as he cracked open a SlimJim. “I just want them to know how much I love them when we’re all out in the real world.” Massey is being released into a house arrest program in Tallahassee, where his neighbors will definitely be members of the Aryan Brotherhood, as well.

Shaun Crade expressed how his interest in the peaked when he realized how well they would compliment his wiry goatee and his tattoos of quotes misattributed to Adolf Hitler. Crade already has a job offer to be a stunt double for Ron Pearlman’s next film.

Wills was unavailable for comment. He had been killed. More to come.